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Archive for the ‘list’ Category

What I did with my summer depression

with 72 comments

Hi ya! Did you miss me? I sure missed you! So where the fuck have I been? First I got sick. Real sick. Then I got depressed. Illness always triggers the downside of my manic-depression. The thing about my depressions is that I kinda sorta like them — at least I think I do when I’m in it. It envelopes me with a lovely kind of sleepiness. You know that awesome feeling when you wake up early, remember it’s Saturday, and you can go back to sleep? That’s it. That, and wishing everyone would just die so I could be left alone. I don’t realize just how miserable I’d felt until I’ve started recovering. So, now I’m dragging myself back out of that cozy dark corner. I’m ever grateful to you for sticking around.

My downtime wasn’t entirely spent sleeping in a blanket-fort. I did some stuff: Read the rest of this entry »

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Written by The Bagel of Everything

June 12, 2008 at 9:31 am

Posted in blogging, depression, list

12 Rock-themed Films that don’t suck

with 35 comments

Rock’n’Roll Movies That Don’t Suck!

* Hard Core Logo (1996) This poignant Canadian adaptation of Michael Turner’s novel follows a legendary (fictitious) Vancouver band on a reunion tour that involves, among other things: faking a benefit concert for someone who’s not dead, the schizophrenic bassists involuntary mid-tour lithium holiday and, uh, I think Joey Ramone is in there, too somewhere.

* Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey: Filmmaker/academic Sam Nunn combines his two loves in life (metal music and anthropology) in this documentary which views the evolution of heavy music from a cultural standpoint, featuring deluded groupies, appalling album art and Nordic black metal fans who might possibly be taking themselves a bit too seriously.

*Pink Floyd’s The Wall (1982) Yeah, sure; The Wall is more overwrought than any other film listed here. Is it melodramatic? Ohhh, yes! Pretentious? You bet your sweet ass! Still, in what other film could you see a scene like this: Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

May 27, 2008 at 10:57 am

12 ways to kill a weekend

with 71 comments

can you taste the difference?

HE SAID, SHE SAID: Twelve Things to do on a Slow Weekend

Soy’s list:

12. Tackle an Olympic torch-bearer for peace.
11. Walk through your neighborhood, picking fights.
10. Set up a model railroad layout and blow it up, Gomez Addams-style.
 9. Sleep like a motherfucker! Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

April 18, 2008 at 9:26 am

Posted in humor, life hacks, list

The 12 most useless lists of all time

with 57 comments

     

  1. Things that make the Little House on the Prairie family cry
  2. Amazing intra-office communiques
  3. Soups that Gene Simmons’ nipple hair has been found in
  4. Animated Gif‘s Soylent Ape has fapped to
  5. Apples I could have eaten, had I been hungry
  6. Reasons lemmings hate America
  7. Pictures of ugly people Kevin has tricked me into looking at
  8. 800 Cellular telephones weighing under 2 pounds, in no particular order
  9. White males who enjoy tapwater
  10. Things to think about while masturbating
  11. Jewish men who love/hate their mothers
  12. Ways in which RationReality.com has sold out

 

Written by The Bagel of Everything

April 11, 2008 at 1:57 pm

Posted in list, satire, your mom

12 things I hate about being a serial killer

with 79 comments

The media portrays serial killing as all glitz, glamour, and bludgening. I’ll admit, it is the best job I’ve ever had, but the downsides are killers. Oh, lookie! A pun! I kill me!

And you thought a sociopath couldn’t have a sense of humor! Doesn’t it just make you want to bite your face off?

Ok, enough good natured fun. Here’s my list.

12 things I hate about being a serial-killer

1.  Cheating ass maggots. Sure, they tickle my hoohoo lovingly when I’m riding a stiff corpse, but then they go and turn in to flies and fly away to find another body-closet keep them warm at night. Ungrateful fucking sluts.

2. Cheap, chinese made icepicks. I can’t tell you how many living dolls I’ve lost to inferior icepicks breaking off in the eyesocket. Well, I could tell you, but then I’d have to… you know.

3. Charity Thrift Shop Workers. Serial killing is messy work. I often have to burn my clothes to expunge evidence. Also, I like to dress up my playthings. I have to replace my wardrobe several times over each year — that can be expensive! The Goodwill and Salvation Army are big helps, and I’m glad the money I spend goes to help the community, but the people there are seriously creepy.

4. The police artist sketch makes me look fat. Also, like a man.   Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

March 31, 2008 at 5:46 am

Dictators upholding my pants

with 33 comments

fidel castro belt buckle

Fidel Castro Pewter Belt Buckle

Found this today on Amazon. I want it, and I don’t know why.

I’m going to throw some site news at you. If you’re new around here, don’t bother — you won’t care. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

September 2, 2007 at 8:56 am

Never trust your erection to a foreigner

with 9 comments

Ten things learned from Overheard In New York:

  1.  “A truck ain’t a pair of jeans, son.” (Noted.)
  2. “If you miss your stop, that sucks — we ain’t goin’ back” (Check.)
  3. “A practical joker? Isn’t that just called a felon?” (In some countries, yes.)
  4. “My psychiatrist told me two important things: one, never trust foreigners; two, don’t ever waste an erection, even if you’re alone.” (…but don’t trust that erection to a foreigner!) Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

August 29, 2007 at 12:00 am