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Archive for the ‘politics’ Category

Vice President Jokes about Incest

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Vice President Dick Cheney has once again lived up to his first name. It happened Sunday at the National Press Club on Monday, Jun 2, where Cheney was congratulating the winners of the Gerald R. Ford Journalism Prizes for Distinguished Reporting on the Presidency. When responding to a reporter’s inquiry about his family tree, Cheney noted that he had relatives named “Cheney” in both his father’s and mother’s families. To drive his pointless point home, Cheney made an attempt at “humor” (something a guy like Cheney shouldn’t be trying to do, anyway) which thoroughly pissed-many of the residents of a key state in the ’08 Presidential race. The exact quote: “So I had Cheneys on both sides of the family and we don’t even live in West Virginia!” Quickly, Cheney jovially qualified his statement, saying “You can say these things when you’re not running for re-election.” Really? Thanks for clearing that up, asshole. Read the rest of this entry »


Written by Soylent Ape

June 10, 2008 at 11:54 pm

Posted in humor, news, politics

Tax Hike for Jim Jones

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Warrant - Dirty Rotten Filthy Stinkin Rich
County Assessor Hikes Resident’s Tax Value.
Property Owner Alleges Selective Retaliation.

Morgantown, WV– A property owner claims his recent assessment and property tax hike is unfair. Well, most of us would be prone to think that. However, this particular tax increased from $300 to nearly $4,700, or over 1,500%. Also, it happened shortly after Monongalia county Chief Deputy Assessor Bill Perry allegedly offered to buy the property and was turned down. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

March 11, 2008 at 11:43 am

Rush to Raise Funds for Clinton

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cuban?No, I’m not talking about the unspeakably-talented Canadian prog rock trio passing plates for the teary-eyed Arka-nois Yorker. I’m talking about someone far less probable than that! Earlier this week, the man known as the Godfather of Conservative Talk Radio upset the natural order of the universe by hinting he may raise funds for the very un-conservative Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton. Quick! Someone seance Douglas Adams, because I think someone has finally perfected the Infinite Improbability Drive. How else could we arrive at the moment when Rush Limbaugh would be willing to toss Hillary’s financial salad without the use of blunt-force cranial trauma or drug-induced hypnosis? Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

February 19, 2008 at 1:48 pm

A Child’s Guide to Nihilism

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I’m too lazy to write, so look at these nifty pictures I found:

A Child’s Guide to Nihilism is available at GreenAnarchy.org for the low, low price of $2. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

January 30, 2008 at 3:42 pm

Canada says: It’s ok to torture, if you’re our friend

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Top Secret!

Canada puts US on its shit list, we find the list, Canada says “Oh my god, like I’m sooo sorry, America! It was a mistake! You’re like totally my BFF! Don’t be mad at me!”

The Shit List, or “Torture List” as it’s being called around the mainstream media, is part of a Torture Awareness Course– a power point presentation designed to train diplomats to recognize prisoner abuse. It seems we were included on the list for “forced nudity, isolation and sleep deprivation” at our Guantanamo Bay slumber party.  Sheesh, Canada — who put your bra in the freezer?

“It contains a list that wrongly includes some of our closest allies. I have directed that the manual be reviewed and rewritten,” back peddles Maxime Bernier, Canada’s Minister of Foreign Affairs. Notice he doesn’t say we don’t torture, just that it’s ok when ’cause we’re in the same clique.

Welcome to 8th Grade World Diplomacy. Our little Canadia is growing up!  Seriously, Canada. You need to Git’Mo’ balls. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

January 20, 2008 at 5:32 pm

Go Cry, Emo Senator

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The New Hampshire primaries are known for surprises, but the turn of fortunes that saw dark horse Hillary Clinton definitively carry the state was nothing short of historic. She wasn’t given a fighting chance in the Granite State given the multitude of polls that showed as much. Still, by Tuesday evening, she had emerged a winner. The sophisticated media polls were wrong. The early exit polls didn’t tell the whole story, either. Shows what you know, MSNBC.

The last 24 hours, I’ve been going over the events, puzzling over what turned the tide. Here’s what we know from the intense media coverage:

1) There was a record turnout.
2) Young voters seemed especially mobilized
3) Hillary Clinton (ostensibly) showed a little emotion when she choked back a tear (when asked how she remains “upbeat”).

Obama must have thought he’d struck gold when he got the Oprah endorsement. Leave it to a Clinton to out-oprah Oprah. So…Young voters? Responding to a candidate crying? This can mean only one thing: Emos will be the deciding factor in the 08 elections! Any candidates who value their candidacy had better set to work at coddling these eyepatch-wearing Hot Topic denizens. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

January 11, 2008 at 8:42 am

Going Green: The UN Leads by Example — NOT!

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ganked from frankejames.comPerhaps we’d have less to worry about when it comes to global warming if the UN would stop blowing smoke up our areses!

Case in point: Between December 3 and December 14, The United Nations Climate Change Conference will be held at Nusa Dua on the resort island of Bali, Indonesia. (Why don’t they ever have these meetings in places like Buffalo or Cincinnati?) It will see representatives from nearly 190 nations, along with their staff, media personnel, and observers from non-governmental organizations to hammer out environmental policy and administer the soon-to-expire Kyoto Protocol (and golf, tan, play tennis, sail, fish, hit the duty-frees…) All-in-all, the delegates will number over 10,000. Their decisions will affect the way we will use energy, pay for energy and, largely, live our lives. Not the decisions about whether to snorkel or go to the masseuse between “meetings”, I mean the ones pertaining to energy consumption taxes, alternative energy strategies, minimum mpg/kl standards for motor vehicles and reallocation of energy resources. The stated intent of the conference is to create a successor to the Kyoto Protocol to be enacted by 2009 (in between the tennis, sailing and 5-star dining, of course). Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

December 10, 2007 at 12:13 am