Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Ration Reality Product Test – Chocolate Soldier

with 50 comments

product-testing-logo.gif

So there I was, strolling along through the crap-infested monstrosity known as Big Lots. No matter what the advertising on television tells you, Big Lots is in fact a steaming pile of shit. This does not, however, stop me from shopping there from time to time. Today was one of those times.

While wandering the aisles, picking up off-brand Q-tips (99 cents for 1,500, you can’t beat that!), I happened upon a product called Chocolate Soldier. It’s a drink, apparently similar to Yoo-Hoo. It looked … well, quite frankly it looked fucking disgusting, and I decided that at the price of $1.50 for a six-pack, I could not pass it up. I grabbed one, put it in the cart, and rushed home to put it in the refrigerator.

Click for Full-Size Image

After allowing it to chill for a few hours, I pulled it out of the fridge for some photos. In the picture at the right, you can see what the whole six-pack looks like. My first clue to be suspicious should have been the picture of Terrance (or is it Phillip?) used as a product logo, with the diarrhea fountain right next to him. Sadly, I did not pay attention to such blatantly obvious clues.

Turning the six-pack around to the side yielded a very disturbing image. Instead of a smooth drink with the consistency of chocolate milk, all the chocolate had settled out of the Chocolate Soldiers, leaving behind a greyish-brownish fluid which appeared to have the approximate consistency of the runny parts of cottage cheese. The chocolate had settled into a thin layer of sedimentation at the bottom of the glass bottle.

sediment.jpg

Because I’m the kind of guy that follows directions, I shook the bottle up until the particulate matter had gone back into solution in the beverage. (Solution? Suspension? Whichever. I don’t know what the shit was, so I don’t know if this was a solution or a suspension. Presumably a suspension, though.)

I was not about to follow the directions on the bottlecap exhorting me to “Chug it!” I may be crazy, but I’m not fucking stupid. I took a sip, and at first taste it seemed … vaguely choclatey. Not especially choclatey though. There was an odd aftertaste, though, slightly bitter. It reminded me oddly of the carob that my mom would use in place of chocolate whenever she went on a health kick when I was a kid.

I took several more sips, and discovered several other lovely aftertastes. One was very definitely an oily sort of flavor, like I was drinking through a layer of cooking oil before getting to the ‘chocolate.’ The other was musty, like what the showers at college always smelled like. Sort of mildew-y, but with a hit of disinfectant as well. Very odd flavor.

By three quarters of the way down, there was a grittiness to it, as if the particulate matter was precipitating out of the … suspension, sollution, whatever the fuck it is. This part was not enjoyable, not in the least.

So anyway, I finally reached the bottom of the bottle. It was fucking disgusting, but I made it. In fact, I’d say it is quite possibly the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done that didn’t involve either money or sex, or sometimes money and sex. I cannot in good conscience recommend that anyone drink this, unless it gets them to the final round in Fear Factor or something. This shit is awful. If you don’t believe me, you can order it here and try it yourself.

Edit: It’s been about 35-40 minutes now since I drank the Chocolate Soldier. I’ve spent most of that time in the bathroom, either shitting my guts out or vomiting. Sometimes both at the same time. I highly recommend that nobody try this shit. EVER.

See also: Crass Commercial Message: Geeks.Com

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Written by jessecuster

June 16, 2007 at 7:18 pm

50 Responses

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  1. I told you not to drink it, idiot. Now you’re going to die.

    bagel of everything

    June 16, 2007 at 7:23 pm

    • You guys literally are fucking retarded. YOU DON’T BUY EDIBLE THINGS FROM BIG LOTS.

      Chocolate soldier is actually a really good drink, just get it from a convenience store you stupid assholes.

      Amanda

      June 16, 2010 at 1:43 pm

      • I used to drink it when I was a kid and it was good. But I dont know that I would drink a 6 pack from Big Lots from 1995.

        Margeret S

        July 27, 2012 at 3:49 pm

  2. In Canada there was a chocolate drink marketed by Parlamat. I think it was called UCAL or something. Similarly, it would settle into different strata: unflavored milk beverage, mildly-flavored milk beverage with a greyish color and a bitter almost dark-chocolatey flavor, sweet chocolatey beverage and a layer of chocolate powder with the appearance and texture of iron filings. If you didn’t shake it well, the chocolate grains would irritate your throat and leave it sore. No real problems with nausea or diarrhea, though.

    Soylent Ape

    June 16, 2007 at 8:59 pm

  3. Oh, shit dude. I know exactly what you’re talking about. We’d get that in the Navy, too, whenever the supply budget was too low to get actual milk, we’d get the Parmalat stuff instead. The chocolate … holy hell. Terrifying stuff. The shit we’d get was shelf-stable, it’d been irradiated I guess. Exactly like what you described.

    Man, I’d totally forgotten about it. It would have been good for a comparison with the Chocolate Soldier.

    jessecuster

    June 16, 2007 at 9:29 pm

  4. We should open a store where we only sell “fucking disgusting” food. Someone is squatting on ProbablyPoison.com. Wonder how much they want for it?

    bagel of everything

    June 17, 2007 at 5:57 am

  5. Fight on Chocolate Soldier, fight on.

    AJ Valliant

    June 17, 2007 at 11:15 am

  6. ONG-ewwww!!! You poor thing….were you REALLY in the bathroom after consumption? Well, you did it to yourself….so i really shouldnt be feeling bad for you!
    (happy Dad day-if there are any dads out there reading!)

    Stona Lisa

    June 17, 2007 at 1:11 pm

  7. I just did a comment-but id didnt go through, unless you are now proof reading them, before approval!?! whateva….

    Stona Lisa

    June 17, 2007 at 1:13 pm

  8. Hello Bagel of Everything, i added you to my Affiliates, if you would be so kind as to add me to your Affiliates or BlogRoll, i would much appreciate it :)

    Fresh

    June 17, 2007 at 1:35 pm

  9. I’m on it, fresh

    bagel of everything

    June 17, 2007 at 4:10 pm

  10. Thank you! good day :)

    Fresh

    June 17, 2007 at 4:29 pm

  11. You my friend, are the soldier. This is great writing. Lots of cursing, idiocy and the devil may care attitude that I would instill in my children if I knew them. Yoo hoo was my favorite drink when I was a child in NYC. Back then it was very hard to find outside of the east coast. When I first came west I had a hard time finding it and I too tried many chocolicious imposters and also found chocolate soldiers flooding out of my ass like I was getting ass fucked in the worst game of Risk EVER (you can never win with Africa… fucking racists). I sincerely hope that your trips to Big! Lots! continue and you make this a regular column. Don’t let a Chocolate Soldier induced case of Bird Flu stop you. Take back the night!

    jody eugenius wilson

    June 18, 2007 at 3:19 am

  12. @Stona: Our automatic spam catcher caught your comments. I don’t know why it picks on innocent friends sometimes.

    bagel of everything

    June 18, 2007 at 9:29 am

  13. @Bagel: I shall NEVER Spam! it must be the goverment!

    Stona Lisa

    June 18, 2007 at 11:39 am

  14. Dear Jesse: I’m glad you didn’t die.

    bagel of everything

    July 5, 2007 at 7:35 pm

  15. Y’know something, so am I?

    Jesse Custer

    July 5, 2007 at 7:38 pm

  16. Also: watch this space! I went to Big Lots tonight, and I found several more products that I’m going to test out in desperate attempts to destroy myself!

    Next up: Off-Brand Energy Drinks!

    Jesse Custer

    July 5, 2007 at 9:36 pm

  17. no one ever beat you when you were a kid for buying food or beverages at big lots?

    criminyjicket

    August 9, 2007 at 10:15 pm

  18. You know, I got beaten for a lot of shit when I was a kid. One time in particular, I forgot to turn my socks right-side out when they went in the hamper. According to my mom and stepfather, this was a willful act of rebellion against their God-ordained authority. Hilarity ensued.

    I suspect that the only reason I never got beaten for getting food at Big Lots is that there were, in fact, no Big Lots at all in my home state.

    jessecuster

    August 9, 2007 at 10:36 pm

  19. i did as well…earned everyone of em, too.

    hey jessie

    criminyjicket

    August 9, 2007 at 11:13 pm

  20. My brother and I used to have a contest: Who could get the most crap for $5 at biglots. Bulky items such as pillows and TP were off limits.
    This was long before they went all Pier 1 on us.

    bagel of everything

    August 24, 2007 at 12:42 pm

  21. i once got crossways with a botlle of strawberry yoohoo. extremely unpleasant event. also, while serving in iraq, we happened upon a yoo-hooesque fluid packaged by the kuwaiti gov’t. the kuwaitis still like us for that thing we did for them back in the 90s. however, upon drinking their take on choclatey happiness, i found that happiness to them is a four hour sit and chat with the porcelain allah. cheers.

    keywork

    August 24, 2007 at 4:17 pm

  22. “four hour sit and chat with the porcelain alla”

    thats kinda catchy

    criminyjicket

    August 24, 2007 at 4:57 pm

  23. thanks, cj. i think i’m going to start hanging out here more often. at least until my meds wear off.

    keywork

    August 24, 2007 at 5:13 pm

  24. ah ha!
    A new recruit!
    The line for lobotomies starts here.

    bagel of everything

    August 24, 2007 at 5:17 pm

  25. in regards to ration reaty, whats not to like…

    but stay on the meds you’ll be needing those…hands bagel a drill

    criminyjicket

    August 24, 2007 at 5:23 pm

  26. it’s cool, THEY never really properly patched up the hole from the last experiment.

    keywork

    August 24, 2007 at 5:35 pm

  27. Home Surgery!! (Laughs giddily.)

    Soylent Ape

    September 12, 2007 at 6:25 am

  28. The only kind I can afford.

    keywork

    September 12, 2007 at 8:20 am

  29. […] posts: Confessions of a pizza delivery girl – Juanita the Wonton Bitch – Chocolate Soldier « You sank my […]

  30. Ever bought fresh fruit juice in a can or jar, idiot? the sedement falls to the bottom because it’s ..hold on to your hats, dumbass-HEAVIER.
    Your accusations of what it must be and taste like were so unorginal it was YOU that gave me the craps, not the Chocolate soldier drinks i enjoy from time to time.

    maybe if you stopped talking out your ass actually used your mouth to chew- you wouldn’t be so alone in that sarcastic little wormhole you call a successful career.
    ps-
    your friends wish they could make you go away.

    jane

    July 9, 2008 at 11:15 pm

  31. Um, I have never purchased ‘fresh’ anything in a can or a jar. In reality, where the rest of us reside, ‘fresh’ fruit juice is typically served in a glass. Fresh fruit juice may lead to a case of the craps.

    keywork.

    July 10, 2008 at 1:31 pm

  32. You’re kidding right?! Chocolate Soldier is much better than Yoo Hoo. Perhaps you got some outdated stuff that gave you ill effects, but I prefer this to Yoo Hoo hands down.

    Dunkel

    August 15, 2008 at 8:51 pm

  33. I understand it’s funny to have a bad experience … but YooHoo is alright. Chocolate Soldier in its day was WAY better. I don’t know if it’s the same drink now as it was when I was a kid but I know of a few people out there that swear ti’s better. I remember when I was kid drinking it, I never had anything but good times. You had to shake it. You’ve got to shake a YooHoo. They’re both suspensions. Chocolate doesn’t dissolve into water.

    Anyhow, I loved the read as pure comedic value. I don’t hold it to much fact! I’ll enjoy reading your stuff from now on! Best Regards!

    Bug

    October 16, 2008 at 10:09 pm

  34. Bug, are you affiliated with Chocolate Soldier Holdings, Ltd.?

    Ghost of Soylent Ape

    October 17, 2008 at 8:27 pm

  35. Yeah, Bug is a follower. Ape, I have time. I want RR back up and operational…..Now.

    Ghost of Keywork

    October 23, 2008 at 12:22 am

  36. I on the other hand found this site LOOKING for a place to order chocolate soldiers!! I love them! Loved them as a kid and think they out rank a Yoo-Hoo anyday! LOL

    Michelle

    February 25, 2009 at 11:30 am

  37. When I was a little girl my dad would come home everyday from the army base and bring me a chocolate soldier and it would make my day. Have you ever had a chocolate milk or is this a new thing for you? The chocolate settles to the bottom in yoo-hoos, and really any chocoloate milk product. You can’t base your opinion of a product from the version you buy at a discount store. Maybe if you bought a fresh chocolate soldier you would know that they are actually WAY better than yoo-hoos. Do you really have nothing better to do than whine about out-of-date products you buy? Get a life.

    American Girl

    October 11, 2009 at 4:44 pm

  38. “…this helpful message brought to you by Chocolate Soldier Holdings, Inc.”

    Soylent Ape

    October 17, 2009 at 5:34 pm

  39. ok! you’re a stupid mother fucker for drinking anything that is gray in color. chocolate soldier is way better than yahoo when it’s not expired or package wrong! you got exactly what you deserve you dumb ass! try it again and you’ll love it. if not you’re taste buds are just fucked up from always drinking and esating out of date products.

    david monthie

    November 27, 2009 at 4:04 am

  40. When I was a child, Chocolate Soldier was a great treat. However, in whatever manner they seemed to have resurected this product, it cannot be like the original. I do suspect that the modern version uses corn sweeteners and inferior ingredients… and very strongly suspect that Big Lots bought out some very old stock that was was most assuredly long past it’s intended recommended date of consumption. No wonder you were so ill. Either way, for those of us “oldies” looking to revisit the joyful treats of our youth, we should either try one of these fresh from the grocer or go with Yoo-Hoo. And for those adventurous types, a Faygo Chocolate Soda is not to be missed.

    Chrissa OBrien

    May 24, 2010 at 9:36 am

  41. its obvious no one has seen this post in a while. But I would like to start with saying its people that write shitty articles like this that people take there advice rather than finding out for themselves. chocolate soldier was a great drink back in the day that I’m positive people and families have enjoyed for years. Now I am sure that it has changed since then.
    No body has like your post for 4 years now because your a narrow minded ass. Someone who deliberately hates a franchise but takes there time shopping there and buying new products, well you’re just beating a dead horse mate. The chocolate settles to the bottom just like a normal glass you would mix of ovaltine would. It is chocolate added to milk that settles to the bottom over time, maybe why there is a shake well sign all over ever bottle of chocolate milk you buy.
    As for you getting sick. Check the experation date moron.

    Jon

    March 31, 2011 at 3:40 pm

  42. “Instead of a smooth drink with the consistency of chocolate milk, all the chocolate had settled out of the Chocolate Soldiers, leaving behind a greyish-brownish fluid which appeared to have the approximate consistency of the runny parts of cottage cheese. The chocolate had settled into a thin layer of sedimentation at the bottom of the glass bottle.”

    That’s why they tell you to shake it, moron. Are you new to this concept? Excess chocolate syrup/subtance settles at the bottom after lengthy periods of time in any drink such as this, requiring you to give it a good shake or two to mix it up with the rest of the contents. It isn’t rocket science. And for the record, Yoo-Hoo drinks are no different both in their substance settling and taste. I get the feeling you came into this review wanting to slam the product because it was sold at a store you don’t particularly care for. In the end, you’re complaining like a woman (Chocolatey syrup at the bottom! Gross!) and proving your idiocy and lack of a pair one paragraph at a time.

    Mark

    January 24, 2012 at 2:23 am

  43. Next time you try a product, do not buy from Big Lots. Chocolate soldiers has been out since the 70’s. and they are really good. I have bought from Big Lots a bunch of products gone bad. Always check the dates. Hope you will consider trying it again.

    pam enty

    February 1, 2012 at 11:39 pm

  44. Who makes that product and where did you buy it.

    tony

    December 14, 2012 at 4:13 pm

  45. Haha… that’s hilarious. That drink was discontinued in the early 2000’s. So no wonder why you had diarrhea and vomiting, haha! Also it was $1.50 dumbass! You deserved it. Natural selection at its dinest. Only unfortunate thing is you lived.

    Greg

    September 14, 2015 at 11:42 pm

  46. Well, back in the 70’s and 80’s, Chocolate Soldier was the best chocolate drink around. What you got was some expired re-packaged bullshit or something worse then called it Chocolate Soldier. If it doesn’t have the white label on the bottle, then that’s not it, PASS IT UP!!!!

    Jason Mahfouz

    April 24, 2016 at 4:03 pm

  47. Your full of shit

    Jack

    June 17, 2016 at 7:00 am


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