Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

12 things I hate about being a serial killer

with 79 comments

The media portrays serial killing as all glitz, glamour, and bludgening. I’ll admit, it is the best job I’ve ever had, but the downsides are killers. Oh, lookie! A pun! I kill me!

And you thought a sociopath couldn’t have a sense of humor! Doesn’t it just make you want to bite your face off?

Ok, enough good natured fun. Here’s my list.

12 things I hate about being a serial-killer

1.  Cheating ass maggots. Sure, they tickle my hoohoo lovingly when I’m riding a stiff corpse, but then they go and turn in to flies and fly away to find another body-closet keep them warm at night. Ungrateful fucking sluts.

2. Cheap, chinese made icepicks. I can’t tell you how many living dolls I’ve lost to inferior icepicks breaking off in the eyesocket. Well, I could tell you, but then I’d have to… you know.

3. Charity Thrift Shop Workers. Serial killing is messy work. I often have to burn my clothes to expunge evidence. Also, I like to dress up my playthings. I have to replace my wardrobe several times over each year — that can be expensive! The Goodwill and Salvation Army are big helps, and I’m glad the money I spend goes to help the community, but the people there are seriously creepy.

4. The police artist sketch makes me look fat. Also, like a man.  

5. Horses. Nothing to do with serial-killing, I just really don’t like horses.

6. Fingerprints, for obvious reasons.

7. Charles Manson. Seriously, His bat-shittery makes us all look bad. “Oh, you’re a serial killer? You must be nuts, huh?” Charlie ain’t even a real serial killer! Lazy fuck had other people do his killing. He’s more like a serial foreman.

8. Amature psychologists. You took 300 level psych at BumFuck University, and now you think you can analise me? You think you know me? You don’t fucking know me!

9. Oranges. They’re named after a color they don’t even taste like. They should be called blues. While they don’t taste exactly blue, aquamarine is just too awkward a name for fruit.

10. My neighbors. They all say I’m such a nice, quiet person. Yeah, I keep to myself — because you’re all horrible sinners! Stop asking me to walk your dog.

11. Son of Sam law: If I’m ever busted (not likely, bitches!) I’ll not be able to profit on all the glorious murderbilia I’m sure will be created in my honor. (thx, kvn)

12. Lying ass instant stain remover commercials. Consumer reports agrees: They don’t do shit for blood stains.

So, that’s that. Excuse me, I’m expecing a delivery of lye.


Related posts: Happy fun time with Charlie Manson
Crack Reality – Confessions of a pizza delivery girl

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Written by The Bagel of Everything

March 31, 2008 at 5:46 am

79 Responses

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  1. are you the chick that accused me of accusing you of thinking? my husby just passed honey nut cheerios through his nose because I read this to him. I take it back, this kind of fucking genius can only be created by not thinking! and by the way, bleen.

    Rowan

    March 31, 2008 at 9:42 am

  2. I completely agree with you on Charles Manson not being worthy. If they ever takes votes on inducting him in the Serial Killer Hall of Fame, I’m stuffing the ballot box with all Nos.

    Don’t worry, the muderabllia would probably profit the rest of us once you’re dead.
    Do you do spider eyelids? That’s when you pull off the eyelids, dry them and hang them from strings.

    Bee

    March 31, 2008 at 9:45 am

  3. OMG ! Is that really you in the pic ?

    micky

    March 31, 2008 at 10:18 am

  4. Rowan: Tell your husband I’m sorry he got boogers on his Cheerios. Can I have them?

    Bee: I’ll stuff the ballot box with ears. Hey, wanna start a craft circle? I know how to soften human pubic hair so it makes a nice cuddly scarf. Also, I fixed your link — there was a typo in it.

    micky: Depends… was that a good ‘OMG’ or a bad ‘OMG’ ?

    The Bagel of Everything

    March 31, 2008 at 10:49 am

  5. I like those perky little nipples. The lipstick looks like its been busy.
    Its good, all good.

    micky

    March 31, 2008 at 10:58 am

  6. Perky nipples good. Lipstick, good. OMG anyway you use it, good. Something or someone looking like a clown, even a little bit, bad, very bad. They scare me or just make me feel weird, one of the two. Not sure yet…….It’s hard to read a post with your hands over your eyes……

    lil bit not right

    March 31, 2008 at 11:48 am

  7. Oh, but I like the post and horses. lil bit, a lot.

    lil bit not right

    March 31, 2008 at 11:55 am

  8. You could just put your hand on the monitor, over the pic.

    Horses scare me. They killed superman, ya know.

    The Bagel of Everything

    March 31, 2008 at 11:56 am

  9. Um, Bagel, I hate clowns, but I think I would do this one.

    keywork

    March 31, 2008 at 11:59 am

  10. even with all that face mayonnaise?

    (I remember people’s phobias like other ppl remember birthdays)

    The Bagel of Everything

    March 31, 2008 at 12:02 pm

  11. He’s dead? What? Um, sorry ok, but the horse did not do it…….

    I would have to stand up to put my hand over the monitor and quite frankly, um, I’m having fun right where I’m at, right this moment.

    I don’t care. I wont do anything that looks like a clown. Period.

    lil bit not right

    March 31, 2008 at 12:04 pm

  12. Even with all the face mayonnaise, Bagel. Hot.

    keywork

    March 31, 2008 at 12:06 pm

  13. Christopher “I played Superman” Reeve died from complications related to his paraplegia, which was caused by a horse riding ‘accident’.

    It wasn’t an accident. Horses killed superman.

    The Bagel of Everything

    March 31, 2008 at 12:08 pm

  14. Thats mayonaisse ?
    Man, you sure know how to ruin the moment

    micky

    March 31, 2008 at 12:09 pm

  15. The ground killed him, not the horse.

    micky

    March 31, 2008 at 12:10 pm

  16. There was only one horse. It was an accident. Of sorts. Maybe someone made the irons too slick and cut the girth as well….who knows…..but the horse did what it was asked to do….jump…..It was his job to hang on for dear life…..

    Mr. key: When did you start liking mayonaise?

    lil bit not right

    March 31, 2008 at 12:17 pm

  17. My wife wakes up every morning with green mayo on her face.
    Rolloverketchupbottletreatment. Pillows have green faces.

    micky

    March 31, 2008 at 12:24 pm

  18. You’d think I could memorize my freakin blog address by now.

    I retyped it, hope it works.

    Bee

    March 31, 2008 at 12:46 pm

  19. “13 – You’re a female serial-killer and encounter popular Italian Real Life Superhero Entomo on your way during one of his frequent ‘I can’t stop my sex appeal’ days.”

    E.

    Entomo

    March 31, 2008 at 3:10 pm

  20. Charles Manson=Slacker/Gloryhound.

    Soylent Ape

    March 31, 2008 at 3:12 pm

  21. That guy in the Hynotic crime video could learn a thing or two from Manson.

    micky2

    March 31, 2008 at 3:27 pm

  22. LMFAO…hahahahaha….brilliant Bagel…comedic genius…loved it! And the pic is fabulous.
    I’m guessin you’re a Dexter fan:)
    …or is he the 13th reason you hate being a serial killer?
    JaSoN will get a boner for sure when he read this post!

    Freddy

    March 31, 2008 at 6:02 pm

  23. Every time I click your page and see you serial killer face I laugh..the look is priceless..is that your before the kill look?

    Freddy

    March 31, 2008 at 9:04 pm

  24. No one has ever lived to tell of the kill look.
    Unless you’re a pillow and her face is in it with her ass is up in the air.

    micky

    March 31, 2008 at 9:16 pm

  25. Rawr!

    Freddy: I’d never heard of Dexter, but I looked it up and I’d prolly like it.
    Tell Jason I’ll be requiring a picture of that for my records. The IRS is really clamping down on cannibal clowns.

    Micky: Face down, ass up – That’s the way we like to… um… abduct?

    The Bagel of Everything

    March 31, 2008 at 9:25 pm

  26. You can abduct with your ass ?
    I thought your extended snatch had the market on that ?

    micky

    March 31, 2008 at 9:43 pm

  27. Dexter is great television…when I remember that it’s on.

    Soylent Ape

    March 31, 2008 at 10:30 pm

  28. You forgot yeast infections. It’s really hard to savagely kill a person with your coochie burning and itching. Whaddya gonna do? Lay down the meat cleaver and scratch?
    Not a good idea. The person might still have enough life to grab it and cut you!

    trailerparkbarbie

    March 31, 2008 at 10:50 pm

  29. Is that really you, Bagel? I’ve never seen you look this hot…or fashionable! The lesbian serial killer in me wants to suck start those cone tits! Please tell me somebody was sick enough to let you blow them with that face paint…I bet beneath those cockteaser threads you’ve got razor sharp nips that could slice right through a carotid like sharp designer blades.

    Serial Killer CodeName: Ginsu Revue

    Stiletto

    April 1, 2008 at 12:23 am

  30. Barbie: Ohhhh, that’s a good one!

    Stiletto: OMFG where have you been? I missed you soooo much! You know — If I ever saw you out in a dark alley, I’d not kill you.
    Sure, I’d abduct you and tie your naked lobotomized self to my bed, but I’d not kill you.

    Not for a while at least.

    (Does that mean I love you?)

    The Bagel of Everything

    April 1, 2008 at 6:43 am

  31. yes, bagel, it does.

    keywork.

    April 1, 2008 at 8:57 am

  32. Let’s see, where do I begin? Gee, you’d think I’d have something exciting to report, like a two month penis bender. Truth is – Bouts of illness lasting no less than ten days, accidental net connection sabotage by wayward brother, fucked up left rotator cuff – but let’s stop here.

    I love you too! I’m happy to be back ! We are all one big happy dysfunctional family!

    Stiletto

    April 1, 2008 at 12:00 pm

  33. you said ‘penis bender’

  34. Yes, it’s almost spring and I’m horny.

    Penis bender came to mind yesterday.

    Stiletto

    April 1, 2008 at 12:13 pm

  35. I am, after all, a cock-a-holic.

    Stiletto

    April 1, 2008 at 12:14 pm

  36. “a cock-a-holic” bwahahaha I’m sorry I live a sheltered life. you just made me laugh out loud. Now if only I can remember it.

    .

    capricorn1966

    April 1, 2008 at 12:19 pm

  37. Sooo…let’s go bend some dicks, already!

  38. Jesus, you bitches need to get out more often. I love the spring.

    keywork.

    April 1, 2008 at 1:01 pm

  39. bithces?

    capricorn1966

    April 1, 2008 at 1:09 pm

  40. You spelled it wrong.

    keywork.

    April 1, 2008 at 1:12 pm

  41. woof!

    The Bagel of Everything

    April 1, 2008 at 1:14 pm

  42. who the fuck cares.

    capricorn1966

    April 1, 2008 at 1:16 pm

  43. I’m still having impure thoughts about that clown.

    keywork.

    April 1, 2008 at 1:23 pm

  44. All thoughts about clowns are impure.

    The Bagel of Everything

    April 1, 2008 at 1:27 pm

  45. All clowns are impure.

    Stiletto

    April 1, 2008 at 1:32 pm

  46. Key: What’s the sound of one hand fapping?

    The Bagel of Everything

    April 1, 2008 at 3:04 pm

  47. Um, hmm. Sounds like you’re masturbating.

    k?ywork.

    April 1, 2008 at 3:13 pm

  48. yeah you did.

    k?ywork.

    April 1, 2008 at 3:27 pm

  49. Yes, ?.

    k?ywork.

    April 1, 2008 at 3:31 pm

  50. Thanks, SEO! It’s always nice to get dugg.

    Soylent Ape

    April 1, 2008 at 4:13 pm

  51. RR, Keywork and Stills.
    All three blogs are about masturbation since yesterday.
    No matter which one I go to thats all you guys want to talk about.
    Shouldnt you all just shut the fuck up and go beat off already ? Or vibrate or whatever.

    micky2

    April 1, 2008 at 4:16 pm

  52. Yeah. Masturbation. Yeah.

    k?ywork.

    April 1, 2008 at 4:19 pm

  53. New release, same method.
    Dead flys everywhere

    micky2

    April 1, 2008 at 4:41 pm

  54. Hey Soy…wanna lend me a hand, big daddy?

    The Bagel of Everything

    April 1, 2008 at 4:49 pm

  55. “Key: What’s the sound of one hand fapping?”

    Helen Keller moaning while she masturbates with the other?

    Stiletto

    April 1, 2008 at 5:41 pm

  56. Soys busy jerking off.

    micky2

    April 1, 2008 at 5:43 pm

  57. clusteryank

    micky2

    April 1, 2008 at 5:44 pm

  58. Oh, stiletto, always bringing the handicapped sexiness.

    k?ywork.

    April 1, 2008 at 5:44 pm

  59. sex talk is the best talk

    capricorn1966

    April 1, 2008 at 5:53 pm

  60. Equal rights for retards, retard. Don’t forget the “special” vote.

    I thought Soy was busy fisting. Say, did Bagel ever get her vaginaplasty surgery?

    Stiletto

    April 1, 2008 at 5:58 pm

  61. “clusteryank”

    Excuse me, I’m from the South. That’s clusterBELLE to you, pineapple.

    Stiletto

    April 1, 2008 at 5:59 pm

  62. Okay, I’m done jerking, now.

    Soylent Ape

    April 1, 2008 at 10:05 pm

  63. The only problem my little Einstein Still is that no matter what you call the cluster, I’m not in it.
    Also, I’m a Haole.
    I know quite a few 500lb. pineapples that would love to grab you by the ankles and use you like dildo.
    I’ll have you in mind when I vote.

    micky2

    April 1, 2008 at 10:20 pm

  64. Still:
    How come everytime I see this commercial I think of you.

    micky2

    April 1, 2008 at 11:54 pm

  65. Melty institutional cheese. Good for the soul.

    Soylent Ape

    April 2, 2008 at 5:07 am

  66. so is masturbation but you don’t see us all over national TV spewing it from our mouths.

    capricorn1966

    April 2, 2008 at 8:36 am

  67. That would be cool

    micky2

    April 2, 2008 at 9:55 am

  68. You should totally watch Dexter Bagel. Rent the DVDs though, I really don’t understand how they can show Dexter on TV without heavy editing.

    LOL Heathen

    April 2, 2008 at 9:56 am

  69. Micky, it would be cool.

    ?eywork.

    April 2, 2008 at 9:58 am

  70. Dexter is a serial killer that masturbates all over national TV after his killing? i’ll have to check it out.

    capricorn1966

    April 2, 2008 at 10:44 am

  71. In different time zones too.
    I jacked of on a TV once

    micky2

    April 2, 2008 at 11:13 am

  72. “Melty institutional cheese. Good for the soul.”

    Good for the bowels, too.

    “Dexter is a serial killer that masturbates all over national TV after his killing? i’ll have to check it out.”

    I keep hearing about this show. Now you’ve totally convinced me to watch it.

    “I really don’t understand how they can show Dexter on TV without heavy editing.”

    I’m not sure how this blog can remain on WordPress without heavy editing. Maybe Bagel is blowing Matt.

    Stiletto

    April 2, 2008 at 12:50 pm

  73. The 8th Digg was me! Well done Bagel! You deserve 1,000 Diggs!

    Dexter is awesome! My sister got me into it…rent the first season – you’ll be hooked!

    Freddy

    April 2, 2008 at 1:53 pm

  74. I always liked how Dee Dee used to obliviously foil Dexter as he was trying to kill people in his secret laboratory. And then Cow and Chicken would come on.

    Soylent Ape

    April 2, 2008 at 5:42 pm

  75. […] Being a serial killer isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s nice to see I’m not the only one who thinks that Oxy Clean guy is a fucking liar. […]

  76. Thanks for the love, SEO.
    The Oxy Clean guy is the dark deputy of evil.

    He answers only to the one true anti-christ: The Oreck Vacuum cleaner guy.

    The Bagel of Everything

    April 28, 2008 at 4:32 pm

  77. That would be fuckin Billy Mays

    micky2

    April 28, 2008 at 4:49 pm


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