Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Archive for the ‘advice’ Category

Dear Internet: I think something’s stuck in there

with 64 comments

Dear Internet,

I met my biological father yesterday, and now my pee comes out sideways.
Is this just a coincidence, or should I get tested?

Touched,
Bagel

Last time on Ask the Internet: Anilingus Breath Strips

Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 5, 2008 at 12:14 am

Ask the Internet

with 76 comments

Ask the internet

Dear Internet,

I am a germophobe, but my boyfriend wants me to lick his butt. What should I do and is he gay?

Sincerely,
Hygienocide    Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

April 29, 2008 at 8:36 am

The State of the American Mind

with 30 comments

An End Of The Year Editorial On The State of the American Mind:
Looking At Our Lives
or
I’m Not A Drunk, You Are


Deviant was drunk when he
wrote this for us, but not nearly
as drunk as you. I think it has
something to do with
this.

There are too many moments these days where I cannot recognize you.

I appreciated you drunkenly pulling me aside this New Years Eve in the safety of your vomit-spewed bathroom to tell me that I have a drinking problem.

Well sure, I seemed to have been functioning well during the office Christmas party, when in fact I had been in a zombiefied black-out vodka state, and yes I kissed the departing CEO of the company on the lips on a dare, and yes I vomited all over the subway platform on the way home in the early evening…

But I think it’s imperative for you to know that, in this relationship, it is in fact YOU who are the drunk.

I may have gotten us forcibly removed from several watering holes by very large black bouncers, but I want you to note something about my drunkeness and your drunkeness.

I don’t sit at home sobbing to myself, complaining about life, and polishing off two bottles of wine all by myself like you do. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

January 1, 2008 at 8:44 pm

Dear Pulsing Wad of Anal Mucous Excretion

with 5 comments

 Advice from Discouragement Kitten

Question:
every time my friend calls me up and we sit down for a beer he gloats for two hours about how much money he makes and how amazing his life is and I go home feeling like shit. DK why do I keep seeing this person?

Answer:
Dear Pulsing Wad of Anal Mucous Excretion:

Obviously this guy is insecure and/or boring. He either desperately wants your approval and believes tales of his awesomeness will sway you to be impressed OR he simply has nothing else to chat about. Why on earth do you give a shit how much money he makes? What impact does the quality of his life have on the satisfaction you feel with your own life? He could have a fantastic life filled with money, an endless supply of (meaningful) sex, elephants to ride in his back yard, ninja friends, rocket cars, fruity pebbles, fuck – this piece of butt rot may well have the solution for unified fucking theory up his sleeve – how does that change how you feel about your life one iota? Read the rest of this entry »

Written by rationrealitycontributor

October 18, 2007 at 1:42 pm

MySpace Manners as Interpreted by a Little Kitten

with 21 comments

Advice from Discouragement Kitten

DK RULESQuestion:
Dear Discouragement Kitten:

I have a MySpace etiquette question I would like to ask you. If your “friend” has a profile song that you really really like, is it rude to put the same song on your own profile? And if so, is there a statute of limitation, with when passing, said act would no longer be considered rude or “biting”?

Sincerely,

Manners confused

Answer:
Dear Manners confused:

What the fuck ever gave you the idea that I’d be a good source for proper fucking etiquette?  Is my blog titled Dear Fucking Manners Kitten?  No, it’s Schadenfreude – Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

September 15, 2007 at 11:41 am

Catcher in the Rye is a real good book

with 35 comments

Zach Action has written a follow up to my very own bagelicious book review: J.D. Salinger is Naked. I love this man.

learn me a book

Zach’s Zany Reading Recommendations: Catcher in the Rye Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

September 7, 2007 at 4:41 am

Never trust your erection to a foreigner

with 9 comments

Ten things learned from Overheard In New York:

  1.  “A truck ain’t a pair of jeans, son.” (Noted.)
  2. “If you miss your stop, that sucks — we ain’t goin’ back” (Check.)
  3. “A practical joker? Isn’t that just called a felon?” (In some countries, yes.)
  4. “My psychiatrist told me two important things: one, never trust foreigners; two, don’t ever waste an erection, even if you’re alone.” (…but don’t trust that erection to a foreigner!) Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

August 29, 2007 at 12:00 am