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Archive for the ‘idiots’ Category

Five Reasons to NOT See a Gynecologist Immediately

with 44 comments

carrieTwo weeks ago, FoxNews.com released a list of 5 Reasons to See a Gynecologist Immediately.

1. Painful blister-like lesions on the vagina or rectal areas
2. Significant vaginal bleeding
3. Sudden, intense belly pain
4. Post menopausal bleeding.
5. New breast lump
 

Thanks for that, Fox. I’m sure there’s someone out there who didn’t know. Like this girl, or maybe these ladies.

The internet is awash with reasons to see your doctor. No one ever talks about when to leave your doctor the hell alone. We here at ЯR aren’t in bed with the AMA, and welcome frivolous lawsuits. Just because I have no medical training doesn’t mean I can’t make up medical advice that will probably kill you.

Five Reasons to Leave Your Gynecologist The Hell Alone:

1. Rhythmic abdominal cramping followed by the excretion of a screaming, writhing lump of tissue: It’s nothing. Wrap it in plastic bags and bury it in your backyard. Your maternal instinct will tell you to toss it in a dumpster — don’t do this. As an avid viewer of CSI, I know the dumpster-method never ends well. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 14, 2008 at 6:18 pm

Posted in health, idiots, lists, news, satire

Hey, sorry about that whole lockdown thing

with 25 comments

Boone, NC– An Appalachian State University student admitted that he lied about an alleged armed robbery that disrupted nearly the entire campus for the better part of a day.  Matthew Haney, a 22-year old English major, came clean about his mistruth on Tuesday, after reporting an armed burglary at his residence a day earlier.

With the hair-triggered environment surrounding most colleges after the Virginia Tech massacre last year, the report of a nearby armed gunman shut down the entire campus, sent alerts to students and flooded the grounds with law enforcement officers. The student reported that he returned to his off-campus apartment to find an armed n’er-do-well pilfering his television. He described the non-existent suspect as being a white male in a “black Pink Floyd shirt” with a dark ski mask and “small black handgun”. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

March 6, 2008 at 2:29 am

Bad Day

with 14 comments

We’ve all had days when it seemed to be raining shit on our heads. Days when everything seemed to go wrong for us in every possible way. Still, it takes a story like this to put things into perspective for us:

Earlier this month, an unidentified man was driving through a residential area of Memphis in the early hours of the morning. Around 3:30 AM, the mystery motorist crashed his car into a utility pole. Staggering from the wreckage, the man mad a beeline to the home of Mr. Leroy Bruce.

The unidentified man began banging on Bruce’s front door. Bruce wisely refused him entry and, at this point, the man thought it would be a good idea to kick in one of Bruce’s windows. When the man began to insert his leg through the broken window into the living room, Bruce produced a gun and shot the man in the leg. Struggling to extricate himself from the busted window, the unidentified offender had to remove his shoes and pants.

The man eventually made his way to a McDonald’s Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

November 30, 2007 at 10:56 am

Dear Pulsing Wad of Anal Mucous Excretion

with 5 comments

 Advice from Discouragement Kitten

Question:
every time my friend calls me up and we sit down for a beer he gloats for two hours about how much money he makes and how amazing his life is and I go home feeling like shit. DK why do I keep seeing this person?

Answer:
Dear Pulsing Wad of Anal Mucous Excretion:

Obviously this guy is insecure and/or boring. He either desperately wants your approval and believes tales of his awesomeness will sway you to be impressed OR he simply has nothing else to chat about. Why on earth do you give a shit how much money he makes? What impact does the quality of his life have on the satisfaction you feel with your own life? He could have a fantastic life filled with money, an endless supply of (meaningful) sex, elephants to ride in his back yard, ninja friends, rocket cars, fruity pebbles, fuck – this piece of butt rot may well have the solution for unified fucking theory up his sleeve – how does that change how you feel about your life one iota? Read the rest of this entry »

Written by rationrealitycontributor

October 18, 2007 at 1:42 pm

Can’t stop the… beatings

with 30 comments

Ration Reality FoolTube

Three videos enter, one man is raped by lady blogger.
Can you guess which of these dancing queens I’d not shoot? Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

September 22, 2007 at 1:30 pm

Word of the Week: Blepharoplasty

with 50 comments

 Everyone’s favorite dirty, dirty monkey, Deviant, has written a !WORD! so
satirically beautiful, Johnathan Swift has surely creamed in his coffin.

correcting God's mistakes

The word for this week is blepharoplasty, or as I like to refer to it: correcting nature’s mistakes.

Asian-Blepharoplasty is a form of cosmetic surgery that is taking the yellow continent of Asia by storm. It is the most sophisticated answer for sufferers of Epicanthal Folds.

As defined by Wikipedia:

…the presence of the epicanthal fold can be a symptom of fetal alcohol syndrome, chromosomal disorders such as Down syndrome (Trisomy 21) Cri du Chat syndrome, or pre-term birth…or simply being Chinese.

…my buddy’s head had rolled clean off his shoulder like a watermelon rolling off a market perch…the naked gook woman emerged violently from the wet jungle. I reached for my rifle, but she was too quick. In one alarming move the girl threw herself at me, sobbing and covered in blood, as if the weight of the musky morning had trampled on her…

Oh! I’m sorry, that was just a ‘Nam flashback!

I know what you’re thinking, “but its simply not fair Kevin. As a non-retarded Asian person, what can I do to correct my hideous God-awful eyes?” Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

September 18, 2007 at 9:24 am

Anorexia: A foolproof anti-aging plan

with 66 comments

I awoke this morning looking old.

I’m not one of those 30 year old women who are always saying they look old.
If anything, I complain too often that I look like a child.

But damn!

Always the thinker, I have a plan: Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

September 17, 2007 at 10:49 am