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Archive for the ‘society’ Category

9 movies that suck…

with 52 comments

9 movies that suck but you have to see them anyway because everyone else has and you’ll never know what people are talking about unless you suffer through them

1. Men in Black

Ever pull the wing off a fly? Care to see the fly get even?

Oh noes! There are aliens living among us, being all allegorical about race relations! Someone call the Mib Squad: The first, last, and only line of defense against the most ham-fisted metaphors in the universe!

2. Titanic
The unsinkable ship is sinking! Fortunately, I have a doctorate in applied physics and have spent years calculating the specific counter-intuitive actions that will save us from just such an event! (later…) Oh, sweet forced irony! I died anyway! Read the rest of this entry »

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Written by The Bagel of Everything

March 24, 2008 at 12:10 am

Baseball Team Looks to Fat Guys to Save Franchise

with 72 comments

why, hello there, sexxxyMLB Team Thinks Fat Male Cheerleaders will Bring in the Fans!

Miami– So, you have a team with a championship history, a growing home city with several major sports franchises with which to compete and the lowest attendance in the league. If you were part of the management braintrust charged with turning the team around, what would you do? Angle to trade for a “big name” player? Involve your players in various high-profile community activitities? Well, if you’re calling the shots for the Florida Marlins, you already have the answer!

The Marlins have put out the call for a highly-skilled, military drill-precision company of portly guys to act as cheerleaders. Ba-da Bing! Why didn’t I think of this when I was GM of the Pirates? (The Blanton Middle School Pirates, that is.) I always say, “Nothing puts butts in $85 seats on blisteringly-hot, stiflingly humid days like sweaty guys with beer guts doing a coordinated dance number to “Who Let the Dogs Out”! Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

March 10, 2008 at 7:53 am

Sentenced To Love

with 28 comments

Congratulations! You're a douche!

Wheeling, WV– For those cynics among us who say that romance is dead comes this heartwarming story of felonies, nuptials and… awkward irony.

On September 5, Mr. Kevin Felder robbed the Wheeling Island Convenience Store, an idiotic feat, especially for someone planning soon to wed. Well, the heist netted him $340, which would have been enough for a honeymoon in, say, exotic Youngstown or hire that DJ for the reception. Did I mention his bad decision was a violation of his probation? Probation resulting from a domestic violence trial involving his bride-to-be? Well, it was. Earlier this month, Felder was sentenced to 5-18 years imprisonment for his actions. But that’s not where the story ends, for there, inside the the Ohio County courthouse, love would rule the day! Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

February 25, 2008 at 8:41 am

Black-Off

with 14 comments

 sketchycomedy.com logo

Frustrating as they may be, there are some questions that every human being struggles with. We struggle to find satisfactory answers to queries like: “Who am I?”, “Why are we here?” and “Why do Caucasian office workers in business attire seem so funny to people when they act gangsta?” Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

February 10, 2008 at 2:19 pm

Time Travel Mongoloid

with 18 comments

Our beloved incoming searches.

own the mantle
It’s now officially lame to
use the slang ‘own’.
Thanks alot, AmericanGreetings!

time travel mongoloid <- Ok, that’s the title of my next book.
womens forced hair cutt
How to get your wife to screw a girl <- stuff her with peanut butter. No, wait…that’s for a dog.
safe for work porn
learn me fisting
origination of the clap terminology for <- Ooh! Ooh! I know this one!
rick is the ruler of the world
how rapists feel <- with their penises, I think
when we want your opinion we’ll give it <- There’s a character limit on our stats. I figure it ends with “in the ass”
pics animals sucking on womens breasts <- someone has an orphaned litter of pups to feed.
pete doherty bitch nigga Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

February 8, 2008 at 5:27 am

Scientology is Serious Business

with 65 comments

Deviant wrote this for us, while awaiting the coming of Tan.

Anonymous Attacks Scientology
or
How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Religious Persecution

I suggest we start to get this idea of “religious persecution” as a bad thing out of our collective thoughts.

We hear all about how the pilgrims came over here because they were persecuted, but we all know deep down in our hearts that they kind of deserved it.

The pilgrims were assholes.

I think our society can afford to religiously persecute several fringe members of our society like the Mormons, the Scientologists, and ITT Tech graduates, and they should be persecuted just a tad bit. I’m not calling for mass genocide or anything barbaric like that, but the following news story of “persecution” I think is comparable to a light playful hazing: Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

January 29, 2008 at 1:06 pm

Bad Day

with 14 comments

We’ve all had days when it seemed to be raining shit on our heads. Days when everything seemed to go wrong for us in every possible way. Still, it takes a story like this to put things into perspective for us:

Earlier this month, an unidentified man was driving through a residential area of Memphis in the early hours of the morning. Around 3:30 AM, the mystery motorist crashed his car into a utility pole. Staggering from the wreckage, the man mad a beeline to the home of Mr. Leroy Bruce.

The unidentified man began banging on Bruce’s front door. Bruce wisely refused him entry and, at this point, the man thought it would be a good idea to kick in one of Bruce’s windows. When the man began to insert his leg through the broken window into the living room, Bruce produced a gun and shot the man in the leg. Struggling to extricate himself from the busted window, the unidentified offender had to remove his shoes and pants.

The man eventually made his way to a McDonald’s Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

November 30, 2007 at 10:56 am