Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Archive for the ‘review’ Category

Warm fuzzies crawlin’ all over me

with 80 comments

In a pitiful attempt to win our favor, loyal ЯR participant Keywork has written a cloying review of our beloved website. It seems he’s such a big ass-suck fan, he could do nothing but praise our groundbreaking family website. Enjoy, friends! 

You Can Have My Ration.

Ration Reality. I stumbled upon this incoherent, slimy sac of anal seepage a few months ago. And I can tell you this: don’t visit this blog, Bagel has syphilis. Yes, the editor, Bagel of Everything, has syphilis. Frat boys beware. Never in my life have I ever read such horrible propaganda. Let’s look: Read the rest of this entry »


Written by The Bagel of Everything

April 28, 2008 at 8:35 am

9 movies that suck…

with 52 comments

9 movies that suck but you have to see them anyway because everyone else has and you’ll never know what people are talking about unless you suffer through them

1. Men in Black

Ever pull the wing off a fly? Care to see the fly get even?

Oh noes! There are aliens living among us, being all allegorical about race relations! Someone call the Mib Squad: The first, last, and only line of defense against the most ham-fisted metaphors in the universe!

2. Titanic
The unsinkable ship is sinking! Fortunately, I have a doctorate in applied physics and have spent years calculating the specific counter-intuitive actions that will save us from just such an event! (later…) Oh, sweet forced irony! I died anyway! Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

March 24, 2008 at 12:10 am

The Boss Hoss: Welcome to Trashville

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ЯR             Oktober’s Official Band: The Boss Hoss             ЯR

The BossHoss: “Country Trash Punk Rock.”

After 15 years of playing and recording in rock ‘n’ roll bands, and another 3 writing about rock ‘n’ roll bands, it’s tempting to say that I’ve pretty much seen all the weirdness you could ascribe to rock ‘n’ roll bands, but then I saw The BossHoss…

The Boss Hoss plays a raucous, countrified style of punk-a-billy rock. Nothing new there. Cow-punk had its day 20 years ago with X and Lone Justice. Fair enough. What about the fact that most of their repertoire consists of bizarre hick-rock covers of popular songs like Nelly’s “Hot in Heere”, Ministry’s “Jesus Built my Hotrod” and Cameo’s “Word Up”. To make it still more intriguing, they somehow convinced one of the world’s biggest record labels to get on board with them. Oh, and they’re not from Nashville or Bakersfield–they’re from Germany!

Ja. Dieser band kommt aus Deutschland, y’all.

Looking at it all on paper, this could either be total fucking win or the absolute worst band ever to disgrace a stage. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

October 10, 2007 at 11:53 am

Resident Evil: Putting the STINK in Extinction

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Resident Evil:Extinction is not a good film.

With Sony product placements outnumbering gratuitous nipple shots,
this movie was worse than the home movie of my first big-kid poops.
Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

September 23, 2007 at 3:02 am

A suburban housewife’s guide to mid-90’s gangsta rap music

with 57 comments

Alright, ladies. Before delving into the realms of true gangsta rap, we need to familiarize ourselves with a few key terms. Dictionary.com is a fine source of reference for such an endeavor.

gangsta (gāng’sta) n, adj
(Black English) a member of a youth gang

rap (rāp) n. Slang
A talk, conversation, or discussion.
A form of popular music developed especially in African-American urban communities and characterized by spoken or chanted rhyming lyrics with a strong rhythmic accompaniment.
A composition or performance of such music.

nigga n., [nig-ga]
(ethnic slur) extremely offensive name for a colored person; [syn: negro] Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

August 30, 2007 at 10:30 pm

Posted in 420, cancer, crack, drugs, music, race, rap, review

Concert Notes: The Bruce Willis Blues Band – Tachi Palace Casino

with 6 comments

My wife has never met a slot machine that she didn’t like. Sadly, her love is very nearly always unrequited.

Her love does, however, occasionally get us free shit. It’s been a while – 8 or 9 months – since we’d been to Tachi Palace, as it’s quite a drive to get there for us, and because quite frankly it sucks. But, the other day we received a voucher in the mail for free tickets to see the Bruce Willis Blues Band perform live. There would be complimentary beverages and food offered, so that was quite a selling point. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by jessecuster

July 26, 2007 at 3:30 pm

The Sudoku of the Flying Toilet Brush Holder

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Reviews taken from Amazon.

The 2007-2012 Outlook for Bathroom Toilet Brushes and Holders in Greater China This study covers the latent demand outlook for bathroom toilet brushes and holders across the regions of Greater China, including provinces, autonomous regions (Guangxi, Nei Mongol, Ningxia, Xinjiang, Xizang – Tibet), municipalities (Beijing, Chongqing, Shanghai, and Tianjin), special administrative regions (Hong Kong and Macau), and Taiwan (all hereafter referred to as “regions”). Please kill me. Latent demand (in millions of U.S. dollars), or potential industry earnings (P.I.E.) estimates are given across some 1,100 cities in Greater China. For each major city in question, the percent share the city is of the region and of Greater China is reported. Each major city is defined as an area of “economic population”, as opposed to the demographic population within a legal geographic boundary. Take away all my pain. For many cities, the economic population is much larger that the population within the city limits; this is especially true for the cities of the Western regions. For the coastal regions, cities which are close to other major cities or which represent, by themselves, a high percent of the regional population, actual city-level population is closer to the economic population (e.g. in Beijing). Please for the love of God, just fucking kill me. Based on this “economic” definition of population, comparative benchmarks allow the reader to quickly gauge a city’s marketing and distribution value vis-à-vis others. This exercise is quite useful…
The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster CAN I GET A “RAMEN” FROM THE CONGREGATION?!
Behold the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today’s fastest growing carbohydrate-based religion. According to church founder Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: the Flying Spaghetti Monster. What drives the FSM’s devout followers, a.k.a. Pastafarians? Some say it’s the assuring touch from the FSM’s “noodly appendage.” Then there are those who love the worship service, which is conducted in pirate talk and attended by congregants in dashing buccaneer garb. Still others are drawn to the Church’s flimsy moral standards, religious holidays every Friday, or the fact that Pastafarian heaven is way cooler: Does your heaven have a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano? Intelligent Design has finally met its match–and it has nothing to do with apes or the Olive Garden of Eden.
Within these pages, Bobby Henderson outlines the true facts– dispelling such malicious myths as evolution (“only a theory”), science (“only a lot of theories”), and whether we’re really descended from apes (fact: Humans share 95 percent of their DNA with chimpanzees, but they share 99.9 percent with pirates!)

Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

July 24, 2007 at 9:16 am