Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Archive for the ‘contributors’ Category

Warm fuzzies crawlin’ all over me

with 80 comments

In a pitiful attempt to win our favor, loyal ЯR participant Keywork has written a cloying review of our beloved website. It seems he’s such a big ass-suck fan, he could do nothing but praise our groundbreaking family website. Enjoy, friends! 

You Can Have My Ration.

Ration Reality. I stumbled upon this incoherent, slimy sac of anal seepage a few months ago. And I can tell you this: don’t visit this blog, Bagel has syphilis. Yes, the editor, Bagel of Everything, has syphilis. Frat boys beware. Never in my life have I ever read such horrible propaganda. Let’s look: Read the rest of this entry »

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Written by The Bagel of Everything

April 28, 2008 at 8:35 am

Band of the Month: Where’s Moo

with 104 comments

This month’s BotM was written for us by Deviant. Thanks, handsome.

ЯR   March’s Official Band: Where’s Moo   ЯR 

 

Band Of The Month: Where’s Moo
or
Get Those Damn Kids Off My Lawn

Maybe it was the shots of Fernet–a digestif drink popular in San Francisco–or it could have been the heavy pot billowing from my mouth, but the music playing on Michael Mangum’s computer sounded aurally pungent, like a mix of the familiar with the futuristic, the dystopian future with the familiar rocking past. I was blown away by the guitars seemingly playing power ballads in slow motion, with a lead singer who sounded like a young Michael Stipe.

“Hey…this is pretty good. Who is this?”

“It’s me,” Michael replied with a grin on his face.

Apparently the dope was great because I’d forgotten that he’d gotten up to play his music to me. I was understandably red-faced. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by rationrealitycontributor

March 5, 2008 at 11:50 am

What Charles Dickens’ Day means to me.

with 46 comments


A Zach Action exclusive report.

Charles Dickens’ Day, I thought you would never arrive.

For years, my family and I have celebrated CDD together. February 7, 2008 will mark the first CDD without them, as my parents both passed in an unfortunate car accident last July. My sister and I have looked forward to CDD since the funeral, as it gives us a chance to celebrate what made our family different from most and to carry on the traditions our parents taught us.

We would always start the day with scrambled eggs, and the process of procuring the eggs from the carton was what made it special. As a nod to Sydney Carton, as each egg was taken from the carton of eggs, we would say, “It is a far, far better egg that I scramble, than I have ever scrambled; it is a far, far better breakfast that I make, than I have ever made.” Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

February 7, 2008 at 7:49 am

Scientology is Serious Business

with 65 comments

Deviant wrote this for us, while awaiting the coming of Tan.

Anonymous Attacks Scientology
or
How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Love Religious Persecution

I suggest we start to get this idea of “religious persecution” as a bad thing out of our collective thoughts.

We hear all about how the pilgrims came over here because they were persecuted, but we all know deep down in our hearts that they kind of deserved it.

The pilgrims were assholes.

I think our society can afford to religiously persecute several fringe members of our society like the Mormons, the Scientologists, and ITT Tech graduates, and they should be persecuted just a tad bit. I’m not calling for mass genocide or anything barbaric like that, but the following news story of “persecution” I think is comparable to a light playful hazing: Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

January 29, 2008 at 1:06 pm

The State of the American Mind

with 30 comments

An End Of The Year Editorial On The State of the American Mind:
Looking At Our Lives
or
I’m Not A Drunk, You Are


Deviant was drunk when he
wrote this for us, but not nearly
as drunk as you. I think it has
something to do with
this.

There are too many moments these days where I cannot recognize you.

I appreciated you drunkenly pulling me aside this New Years Eve in the safety of your vomit-spewed bathroom to tell me that I have a drinking problem.

Well sure, I seemed to have been functioning well during the office Christmas party, when in fact I had been in a zombiefied black-out vodka state, and yes I kissed the departing CEO of the company on the lips on a dare, and yes I vomited all over the subway platform on the way home in the early evening…

But I think it’s imperative for you to know that, in this relationship, it is in fact YOU who are the drunk.

I may have gotten us forcibly removed from several watering holes by very large black bouncers, but I want you to note something about my drunkeness and your drunkeness.

I don’t sit at home sobbing to myself, complaining about life, and polishing off two bottles of wine all by myself like you do. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

January 1, 2008 at 8:44 pm

Looking back with a discerning eye

with 16 comments

Mr. Zach Action is our friend.
His right to self expression we do defend.
But if by this post you are offended,
Remember: He wrote it, we didn’t! 
-Soy

 You ever have one of those moments where suddenly you realize that something from your childhood is insanely messed up?

I was walking from the bedroom to the living room yesterday, humming a song that doesn’t usually come to mind: Jesus Loves Me. I can’t even tell you the last time I heard this song. But there I was, walking and humming. Then I started singing it. And then I realized…

OH. MY. GOODNESS. What in the WORLD did they have us singing as children?!?

Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

December 3, 2007 at 11:02 pm

The No Cussin’ Club

with 22 comments

Hey kids! I’ve found us a new contributor!
The brilliantly funny Scott from In the What? has accepted an asininement. Sucker!

In the following post, an honest to G-d librarian gives us permission to swear. So if you’re ever busted for vulgarities in a library, tell them Scott said it’s ok. They’ll totally understand: ‘Rians are much like blacks, jews, and the gays– they all know eachother.

Pace yourself children. It’s a strong piece from beginning to end. I’m so proud.

 –Bagel

McKay Hatch Was Born on a Pirate Ship

Kids have dreams for some reason. The youth of America all seem to think they’re going to change the world. “I’m gonna be a fireman and save people’s lives!” “I’m gonna be the Easter Bunny and give everyone chocolate eggs!” “I’m gonna be a doctor and cure my mommy’s cancer!” Yeah right. More likely you’re going to graduate with a B average, major in business, and become boring and useless like everyone else. That’s why it’s a good thing that kids are powerless. They don’t get a chance to pursue their dreams until they’re old enough to realize how stupid they are.

But not McKay Hatch! No, McKay jumped upon his dreams before the Sledgehammer of Reality came barreling towards his cranium, and–wonders behold!–he HAS changed the world! Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

November 29, 2007 at 12:00 pm