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Archive for the ‘satire’ Category

Five Reasons to NOT See a Gynecologist Immediately

with 44 comments

carrieTwo weeks ago, FoxNews.com released a list of 5 Reasons to See a Gynecologist Immediately.

1. Painful blister-like lesions on the vagina or rectal areas
2. Significant vaginal bleeding
3. Sudden, intense belly pain
4. Post menopausal bleeding.
5. New breast lump
 

Thanks for that, Fox. I’m sure there’s someone out there who didn’t know. Like this girl, or maybe these ladies.

The internet is awash with reasons to see your doctor. No one ever talks about when to leave your doctor the hell alone. We here at ЯR aren’t in bed with the AMA, and welcome frivolous lawsuits. Just because I have no medical training doesn’t mean I can’t make up medical advice that will probably kill you.

Five Reasons to Leave Your Gynecologist The Hell Alone:

1. Rhythmic abdominal cramping followed by the excretion of a screaming, writhing lump of tissue: It’s nothing. Wrap it in plastic bags and bury it in your backyard. Your maternal instinct will tell you to toss it in a dumpster — don’t do this. As an avid viewer of CSI, I know the dumpster-method never ends well. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 14, 2008 at 6:18 pm

Posted in health, idiots, lists, news, satire

Symptom or Sista?

with 151 comments

Symptom, or Sista’ ?
It’s a game, and you can play!

Some of these are from babynames.org’s list of African-American baby girl names, the remainder from Wikipedia’s list of medical symptoms. Can you tell which is which?

she wants you
Amusia
Renell
Cachexia
Melea
Tachell
Somnolence
Hematuria
Koyana
Akathisia
Cyiarra
Bradykinesia
Pyrexia
Afyia
Malaise
Larhonda Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

April 24, 2008 at 7:32 am

The 12 most useless lists of all time

with 57 comments

     

  1. Things that make the Little House on the Prairie family cry
  2. Amazing intra-office communiques
  3. Soups that Gene Simmons’ nipple hair has been found in
  4. Animated Gif‘s Soylent Ape has fapped to
  5. Apples I could have eaten, had I been hungry
  6. Reasons lemmings hate America
  7. Pictures of ugly people Kevin has tricked me into looking at
  8. 800 Cellular telephones weighing under 2 pounds, in no particular order
  9. White males who enjoy tapwater
  10. Things to think about while masturbating
  11. Jewish men who love/hate their mothers
  12. Ways in which RationReality.com has sold out

 

Written by The Bagel of Everything

April 11, 2008 at 1:57 pm

Posted in list, satire, your mom

12 things I hate about being a serial killer

with 79 comments

The media portrays serial killing as all glitz, glamour, and bludgening. I’ll admit, it is the best job I’ve ever had, but the downsides are killers. Oh, lookie! A pun! I kill me!

And you thought a sociopath couldn’t have a sense of humor! Doesn’t it just make you want to bite your face off?

Ok, enough good natured fun. Here’s my list.

12 things I hate about being a serial-killer

1.  Cheating ass maggots. Sure, they tickle my hoohoo lovingly when I’m riding a stiff corpse, but then they go and turn in to flies and fly away to find another body-closet keep them warm at night. Ungrateful fucking sluts.

2. Cheap, chinese made icepicks. I can’t tell you how many living dolls I’ve lost to inferior icepicks breaking off in the eyesocket. Well, I could tell you, but then I’d have to… you know.

3. Charity Thrift Shop Workers. Serial killing is messy work. I often have to burn my clothes to expunge evidence. Also, I like to dress up my playthings. I have to replace my wardrobe several times over each year — that can be expensive! The Goodwill and Salvation Army are big helps, and I’m glad the money I spend goes to help the community, but the people there are seriously creepy.

4. The police artist sketch makes me look fat. Also, like a man.   Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

March 31, 2008 at 5:46 am

Real cities in China, that I just made up

with 47 comments

emperor - rise of the middle kingdom

Dear China,
You have a few odd names for cities (Likwang, Hangzhou, Fuxin, Fuku), but mostly they’re stupid, boring, and hard to pronounce. You’re missing out on a huge tourist demographic: smart-assed Americans.

We Americans love making fun of China. We love cities with fucked up names. We have endless wealth. Our tourism can make or break your country. Just look what we’ve done for Bangkok! Do you think Thailand would have such an enviable industry of child sex slaves and black-market DVDs if Americans didn’t love saying ‘Bangkok’? Hell no!

To help you find popularity with our superior western culture, Deviant and I have come up with a list of new names for your favorite tourist-ready cities. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

March 12, 2008 at 1:23 pm

Posted in china, humor, satire, world

Lame Secrets

with 44 comments

“I give handjobs for money, but I’d do it for free”

“I married a black woman to prove I’m not racist”

“I’m sleeping with my son’s wife” 

Admit it, you love PostSecret. You read it everyday. You wish you had a dirty little secret to share. Most people just aren’t that interesting. For many of us, that’s our biggest secret.

“I’m normal”

Good luck getting that on the front page. Fear not, my boring friends. We here at RationReality believe you are just as worthy of voyeurism as those filthy sin-mongers. To that end, we present: Lame Secrets.


I had soup today. (thx, anonymous contributor) Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

February 18, 2008 at 11:53 am

Reason #19 why I’m going to hell

with 56 comments

Pardonnez-moi, monsieur. Je ne l’ai pas fait exprès.
(Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose.)
Last words of Marie Antoinette

I made this a few months ago. It’s wrong and I’m sorry. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

February 6, 2008 at 4:50 am