Ration Reality Product Test – Chocolate Soldier

So there I was, strolling along through the crap-infested monstrosity known as Big Lots. No matter what the advertising on television tells you, Big Lots is in fact a steaming pile of shit. This does not, however, stop me from shopping there from time to time. Today was one of those times.

While wandering the aisles, picking up off-brand Q-tips (99 cents for 1,500, you can’t beat that!), I happened upon a product called Chocolate Soldier. It’s a drink, apparently similar to Yoo-Hoo. It looked … well, quite frankly it looked fucking disgusting, and I decided that at the price of $1.50 for a six-pack, I could not pass it up. I grabbed one, put it in the cart, and rushed home to put it in the refrigerator.

After allowing it to chill for a few hours, I pulled it out of the fridge for some photos. In the picture at the right, you can see what the whole six-pack looks like. My first clue to be suspicious should have been the picture of Terrance (or is it Phillip?) used as a product logo, with the diarrhea fountain right next to him. Sadly, I did not pay attention to such blatantly obvious clues.

Turning the six-pack around to the side yielded a very disturbing image. Instead of a smooth drink with the consistency of chocolate milk, all the chocolate had settled out of the Chocolate Soldiers, leaving behind a greyish-brownish fluid which appeared to have the approximate consistency of the runny parts of cottage cheese. The chocolate had settled into a thin layer of sedimentation at the bottom of the glass bottle.

Because I’m the kind of guy that follows directions, I shook the bottle up until the particulate matter had gone back into solution in the beverage. (Solution? Suspension? Whichever. I don’t know what the shit was, so I don’t know if this was a solution or a suspension. Presumably a suspension, though.)

I was not about to follow the directions on the bottlecap exhorting me to “Chug it!” I may be crazy, but I’m not fucking stupid. I took a sip, and at first taste it seemed … vaguely choclatey. Not especially choclatey though. There was an odd aftertaste, though, slightly bitter. It reminded me oddly of the carob that my mom would use in place of chocolate whenever she went on a health kick when I was a kid.

I took several more sips, and discovered several other lovely aftertastes. One was very definitely an oily sort of flavor, like I was drinking through a layer of cooking oil before getting to the ‘chocolate.’ The other was musty, like what the showers at college always smelled like. Sort of mildew-y, but with a hit of disinfectant as well. Very odd flavor.

By three quarters of the way down, there was a grittiness to it, as if the particulate matter was precipitating out of the … suspension, sollution, whatever the fuck it is. This part was not enjoyable, not in the least.

So anyway, I finally reached the bottom of the bottle. It was fucking disgusting, but I made it. In fact, I’d say it is quite possibly the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done that didn’t involve either money or sex, or sometimes money and sex. I cannot in good conscience recommend that anyone drink this, unless it gets them to the final round in Fear Factor or something. This shit is awful. If you don’t believe me, you can order it here and try it yourself.

Edit: It’s been about 35-40 minutes now since I drank the Chocolate Soldier. I’ve spent most of that time in the bathroom, either shitting my guts out or vomiting. Sometimes both at the same time. I highly recommend that nobody try this shit. EVER.

See also: Crass Commercial Message: Geeks.Com