Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Word of the Week: Odious

with 26 comments

Homosexuality. Obesity. Online Dating. A hairy guy with a gold chain and weird red patches inside his thighs.  Nothing wrong with any of those things. Yet when you put them together, the result is…. odious.  

nice farmer's tan

GayChubbyDating.com. Go there. Refresh the page a few times to cycle the images.
Masturbate and/or vomit, as nessesary.

Previous !Word!s: Mondegreen – Blepharoplasty – Cordyceps – Jenkem – CILF – Fursecution  

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Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 23, 2008 at 5:42 pm

For all your Entertainment and Primate Needs

with 17 comments

videos cd's apes
This was on an old roll of film I’ve just had developed.
If you zoom really tight on the first window you can see Soylent Ape‘s reflection. Nice tie, handsome!

Related posts: Anti-anti-consumerism – The Week in Screen Captures

Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 22, 2008 at 4:39 am

Devil’s Haircut

with 31 comments

Beck once sang about having a “Devil’s Haircut in (his) Mind”. Well, a dozen years later, I can finally understand what he meant, for I, too, have a devilish haircut on my mind. The only problem is that it’s on my head, as well.

After a couple of minor financial bombs went off in my face, I set out to find ways to downscale my lifestyle. One of the first things I did in accordance was to go to a cheaper barber. I was excited at the prospect of saving $5 over my regular barber.

After years of going through this ritual, I have a pretty good idea of what works for me and how to communicate it to the guy with the shears. “I’d like a number 5 on the sides and back, and 1/2 inch trim on top”, I said. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

May 20, 2008 at 7:17 am

Posted in fashion, frugality, rant, style

Fernando Botero, Painter of Retards

with 28 comments

An artist is attracted to certain kinds of form without knowing why. You adopt a position intuitively; only later do you attempt to rationalize or even justify it. – Fernando Botero, 1932-20??

Fernando Botero Angulo is totally famous — so famous, in fact, he calls himself “the most Colombian of Colombian artists”. He’s so proud of his Colombian heritage, he dropped his last name and moved to France! In 2005, he gained public recognition by exploiting the Abu Ghraib slumberparty.  I love his art in a way that makes me a bad person.

He paints stocky people with large foreheads (aka fivehead), beady eyes, and blank expressions.  Now, I’m not saying he’s obsessed with Down’s Syndrome. I’m just strongly suggesting it. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 19, 2008 at 1:43 am

Loretta Lynn will mess you up!

with 64 comments

You’d best close your face and stay out my way if you don’t wanna go to Fist City…
‘Cause I’ll grab you by the hair a the head, and I’ll lift a you off a the ground.

Damn straight. She’s so Ghetto!

Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 15, 2008 at 7:57 am

Five Reasons to NOT See a Gynecologist Immediately

with 44 comments

carrieTwo weeks ago, FoxNews.com released a list of 5 Reasons to See a Gynecologist Immediately.

1. Painful blister-like lesions on the vagina or rectal areas
2. Significant vaginal bleeding
3. Sudden, intense belly pain
4. Post menopausal bleeding.
5. New breast lump
 

Thanks for that, Fox. I’m sure there’s someone out there who didn’t know. Like this girl, or maybe these ladies.

The internet is awash with reasons to see your doctor. No one ever talks about when to leave your doctor the hell alone. We here at ЯR aren’t in bed with the AMA, and welcome frivolous lawsuits. Just because I have no medical training doesn’t mean I can’t make up medical advice that will probably kill you.

Five Reasons to Leave Your Gynecologist The Hell Alone:

1. Rhythmic abdominal cramping followed by the excretion of a screaming, writhing lump of tissue: It’s nothing. Wrap it in plastic bags and bury it in your backyard. Your maternal instinct will tell you to toss it in a dumpster — don’t do this. As an avid viewer of CSI, I know the dumpster-method never ends well. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 14, 2008 at 6:18 pm

Posted in health, idiots, lists, news, satire

Retrotainment 2: Clone High

with 37 comments


Retro-tainment: Media You Might Have Missed – Vol 2: Clone High

Can you imagine if we were somehow able to extract DNA remnants of all the great figures in history. And then, from those specimens, we would create genetic duplicates of these great and infamous men and women in history. Then imagine when those clones enter their awkward teenage years: the angst, the uncertainty and emerging sexuality playing against their famous personalities. Bill Lawrence (creator of Scrubs and Spin City did, only he (Along with co-creators Phil Lord and Christopher Miller) decided to make it a cartoon and play it for laughs.

Clone High imagines a world where Abe Lincoln is a neurotic sociopath with an unspoken crush on Cleopatra and JFK is the popular football team captain with 2 gay foster parents. It is a place where Winston Churchill can be a thugged-out B-boy and Ghandi can be an indulgent, sex-obsessed hedonist. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

May 13, 2008 at 4:23 pm