Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Archive for the ‘hypocrisy’ Category

Reason #19 why I’m going to hell

with 57 comments

Pardonnez-moi, monsieur. Je ne l’ai pas fait exprès.
(Pardon me, sir. I did not do it on purpose.)
Last words of Marie Antoinette

I made this a few months ago. It’s wrong and I’m sorry. Read the rest of this entry »


Written by The Bagel of Everything

February 6, 2008 at 4:50 am

Going Green: The UN Leads by Example — NOT!

with 27 comments

ganked from frankejames.comPerhaps we’d have less to worry about when it comes to global warming if the UN would stop blowing smoke up our areses!

Case in point: Between December 3 and December 14, The United Nations Climate Change Conference will be held at Nusa Dua on the resort island of Bali, Indonesia. (Why don’t they ever have these meetings in places like Buffalo or Cincinnati?) It will see representatives from nearly 190 nations, along with their staff, media personnel, and observers from non-governmental organizations to hammer out environmental policy and administer the soon-to-expire Kyoto Protocol (and golf, tan, play tennis, sail, fish, hit the duty-frees…) All-in-all, the delegates will number over 10,000. Their decisions will affect the way we will use energy, pay for energy and, largely, live our lives. Not the decisions about whether to snorkel or go to the masseuse between “meetings”, I mean the ones pertaining to energy consumption taxes, alternative energy strategies, minimum mpg/kl standards for motor vehicles and reallocation of energy resources. The stated intent of the conference is to create a successor to the Kyoto Protocol to be enacted by 2009 (in between the tennis, sailing and 5-star dining, of course). Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

December 10, 2007 at 12:13 am

The No Cussin’ Club

with 22 comments

Hey kids! I’ve found us a new contributor!
The brilliantly funny Scott from In the What? has accepted an asininement. Sucker!

In the following post, an honest to G-d librarian gives us permission to swear. So if you’re ever busted for vulgarities in a library, tell them Scott said it’s ok. They’ll totally understand: ‘Rians are much like blacks, jews, and the gays– they all know eachother.

Pace yourself children. It’s a strong piece from beginning to end. I’m so proud.


McKay Hatch Was Born on a Pirate Ship

Kids have dreams for some reason. The youth of America all seem to think they’re going to change the world. “I’m gonna be a fireman and save people’s lives!” “I’m gonna be the Easter Bunny and give everyone chocolate eggs!” “I’m gonna be a doctor and cure my mommy’s cancer!” Yeah right. More likely you’re going to graduate with a B average, major in business, and become boring and useless like everyone else. That’s why it’s a good thing that kids are powerless. They don’t get a chance to pursue their dreams until they’re old enough to realize how stupid they are.

But not McKay Hatch! No, McKay jumped upon his dreams before the Sledgehammer of Reality came barreling towards his cranium, and–wonders behold!–he HAS changed the world! Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

November 29, 2007 at 12:00 pm

Vote Keywork in 08

with 27 comments

bagel's kw banner
You decide. Or not. It’s really not my business.

A funny thing happened in these comments. Our loyal reader Keywork announced to the world that he is, in fact, a raccoon, and he yiffed my mother. A time machine was apparently involved, as he is my father. That’s when it started getting weird. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

October 25, 2007 at 4:32 am

10,000 black men walk into Philly…

with 61 comments


…and reduce crime.

That’s the punchline Philadelphia Police Commissioner Sylvester Johnson is hoping for.

It’s time for African-American men to stand up,” Johnson told PhillyDailyNews. “We have an obligation to protect our women, our children and our elderly. We’re going to put men on the street.”

A key architect of the strategy is Dennis Muhammad, chief of security for Nation of Islam Minister Louis Farrakhan, because everyone feels safer around muslim activists. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

September 14, 2007 at 11:27 am

An open letter to Chrysler

with 11 comments

 Dear Chrysler,

On Wednesday, September 12, 2007, I was checking the MySpace page I maintain for this website, when a Google AdSense advertisement caught my eye. It seems we can learn more about the genocide in Darfur, and perhaps even help save the lives of children by buying a new Chrysler. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

September 14, 2007 at 9:01 am

No Masturbating in Manitoba

with 20 comments

ban masturbation?On Aug. 4, 2007, a 26 year old bum was caught rubbing one out to internet porn at a University of Manitoba library.  When asked to stop by security, he begs “can I finish?”
He plead guilty and was given time served plus 6 months probation.
That’s the story told by The Winnipeg Sun. Yeah, whatever. They skimmed right over the good part: Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

September 8, 2007 at 9:32 am