Ration Reality

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Archive for the ‘holidays’ Category

Happy Mammorial Day

with 33 comments

Don’t forget to have your breasts crushed by robots.

mammogram clipart


Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 26, 2008 at 7:50 am

Santa Claus: He’s Evil Now

with 12 comments

I don’t have anything interesting to say today, so here are some pictures of my dog being strangled by Sandy Paws.

Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 7, 2008 at 5:10 pm

Obligatory Easter Post

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Do not abandon yourselves to despair.
We are the Easter people and hallelujah is our song.
-Pope John Paul II

Happy Easter.
I’m ovulating. Festive, no?

I am an artist.

Written by The Bagel of Everything

March 23, 2008 at 6:36 am

Posted in holidays

What Charles Dickens’ Day means to me.

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A Zach Action exclusive report.

Charles Dickens’ Day, I thought you would never arrive.

For years, my family and I have celebrated CDD together. February 7, 2008 will mark the first CDD without them, as my parents both passed in an unfortunate car accident last July. My sister and I have looked forward to CDD since the funeral, as it gives us a chance to celebrate what made our family different from most and to carry on the traditions our parents taught us.

We would always start the day with scrambled eggs, and the process of procuring the eggs from the carton was what made it special. As a nod to Sydney Carton, as each egg was taken from the carton of eggs, we would say, “It is a far, far better egg that I scramble, than I have ever scrambled; it is a far, far better breakfast that I make, than I have ever made.” Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

February 7, 2008 at 7:49 am

It’s my birthday!

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Am I dying, or is this my birthday?
– Last words of Lady Nancy Astor

It’s muh birthday, and it’s (probably) not yours! It’s also winter solstice. That’s right kids, my fucking birthday falls on the shortest day of the year. Thanks, mom.

My chiropractor sent me a Happy Birthday postcard, offering me a free adjustment. Now my mailman knows it’s my birthday. Wanna know what I really want for my bday? I want that to not creep me out so much. Also, world peace or some other do-goodery like that.

Meanwhile, click this here handy randomizer and leave me lots of comments all over my blog, k?

My party is going to be after Christmas…I expect it will go a lil somethin like this: Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

December 21, 2007 at 1:18 am

Happy Hanuchihuahua!

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happy hanuchihuahua
It’s Hanukkah, and I’m here to say:
You killed my Lord, but that’s ok!

Happy Hanukkah to you!
May the Hanuchihuahua bring you the best basket of stupid chocolate coins and lame wooden toys ever!

Now, go read this: Save the world, pitch your menorah!

At times such as these, is it really that wise to think that we could save the world through FEWER prayers? Apparently some environmentalists think so, as they are encouraging Jews to light one less candle for Hanukkah.

Also, it talks about saving the world via unhygienic sex.

Written by The Bagel of Everything

December 4, 2007 at 4:50 pm

The Halloween Home Game

with 40 comments

This Halloween, I’m going as the crazy lady down the street.

I’ve not been invited to any parties, so I’ll not be needing an actual costume, but I will need these original, budget friendly treats for the home game:

First up:

Vanilla Spooge Nougat Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

October 4, 2007 at 3:25 am