Ration Reality

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Archive for the ‘health’ Category

Happy Mammorial Day

with 33 comments

Don’t forget to have your breasts crushed by robots.

mammogram clipart

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Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 26, 2008 at 7:50 am

Five Reasons to NOT See a Gynecologist Immediately

with 44 comments

carrieTwo weeks ago, FoxNews.com released a list of 5 Reasons to See a Gynecologist Immediately.

1. Painful blister-like lesions on the vagina or rectal areas
2. Significant vaginal bleeding
3. Sudden, intense belly pain
4. Post menopausal bleeding.
5. New breast lump
 

Thanks for that, Fox. I’m sure there’s someone out there who didn’t know. Like this girl, or maybe these ladies.

The internet is awash with reasons to see your doctor. No one ever talks about when to leave your doctor the hell alone. We here at ЯR aren’t in bed with the AMA, and welcome frivolous lawsuits. Just because I have no medical training doesn’t mean I can’t make up medical advice that will probably kill you.

Five Reasons to Leave Your Gynecologist The Hell Alone:

1. Rhythmic abdominal cramping followed by the excretion of a screaming, writhing lump of tissue: It’s nothing. Wrap it in plastic bags and bury it in your backyard. Your maternal instinct will tell you to toss it in a dumpster — don’t do this. As an avid viewer of CSI, I know the dumpster-method never ends well. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 14, 2008 at 6:18 pm

Posted in health, idiots, lists, news, satire

Dear Internet: I think something’s stuck in there

with 64 comments

Dear Internet,

I met my biological father yesterday, and now my pee comes out sideways.
Is this just a coincidence, or should I get tested?

Touched,
Bagel

Last time on Ask the Internet: Anilingus Breath Strips

Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 5, 2008 at 12:14 am

Vagina Power vs. Gay Boys

with 136 comments

♫ They’ll suck a dick up
til they hiccup
for a fee ♪
-Alexyss K Tylor

Warning to Gay Boys

It’s long, but it’s worth it. She gets more outrageous as she goes. I especially love how she tries to be erudite, between her fits of “goddamn!” and various ghettoness. If this were a skit, I’d likely be offended. Somehow, her earnestness makes it okay. Check our her websiteYouTube, and MySpace.  Or just give her a call.
I want her to be my new best friend.
Addendum: This one is even better. I wish I’d seen it first. 03:50 – 04:05 nearly killed me.

Related posts: Lesbian Gang Rapists! – Prostitution Solution – Word of the Week: Medibation

Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 1, 2008 at 3:03 pm

Symptom or Sista?

with 151 comments

Symptom, or Sista’ ?
It’s a game, and you can play!

Some of these are from babynames.org’s list of African-American baby girl names, the remainder from Wikipedia’s list of medical symptoms. Can you tell which is which?

she wants you
Amusia
Renell
Cachexia
Melea
Tachell
Somnolence
Hematuria
Koyana
Akathisia
Cyiarra
Bradykinesia
Pyrexia
Afyia
Malaise
Larhonda Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

April 24, 2008 at 7:32 am

The Nipple Extractor

with 21 comments


Nipple Extractor: The wintertime comfort accessory

Winter is coming soon, kids. The dry indoor heat can make one’s skin all itchy. When I was living in the cold, cold north, my skin would get so dry in the winter, my nipples would actually peel. You ladies, I’m sure, can understand the discomfort. Men folks, imagine your head (the one you think with when you go here) flaking, peeling, and itching so badly you can’t sleep. Don’t even think of scratching – it’s much too sensitive. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by The Bagel of Everything

October 19, 2007 at 4:53 pm

What do I need to do to get you to buy this Vacuum

with 20 comments

A Twin Falls, Idaho man got more than a vacuum cleaner when a door-to-door Kirby vacuum cleaner salesman came calling six months ago. Likewise, when Jamie Howard arrived at Mr. Sucher’s abode to heavy-hand a new upright upon the resident, he didn’t realize what he was getting himself into.

In the course of the (likely) high-pressure sales pitch Sucher said he couldn’t afford a new vac. (At this point, I imagine that Howard probably said something like, “When you can have a high-performance, high-quality upright like this at just $60 a month, how can you afford not to have one?”)

Sucher informed Howard that he couldn’t afford the vacuum because he was waiting for a kidney transplant. Apparently, Sucher didn’t need any more high-pressure in his life because his own high blood pressure had caused his kidneys to fail in 2004. Read the rest of this entry »

Written by Soylent Ape

October 13, 2007 at 11:12 am