Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Bizarre Commercials, Volume 6

with 80 comments

Up to this point, we’ve illustrated ads produced with the intention to sell products. However, there are some television spots that are just out to make people aware (and, possibly, still sell sell products, but not in such an obvious manner. They’re called Public Service Announcements (PSAs) and here are a few of the more bizarre ones.

* G.I. Joe on Petting Strange Dogs

The National Child Safety Council created several animated PSAs to run at the end of episodes of the G.I. Joe cartoon series back in the 80s. This one cautions youngsters of the dangers of petting animals you don’t know. Admittedly, this is a fairly innocuous subject for badass military functionaries like G.I. Joe to bring up. Perhaps Mutt really wanted to say “you should never pet a strange dog because it’s loaded down with enough C-4 to blow your fuckin’ ass back to Beirut, numbnuts!”, but standards and practices thought it was a little harsh. Anyway, knowing is half the battle.

* Heavy Metal with a Social Conscience

You might look at the shaggy-headed trailer-park residents with the studded bracelets and brown bag-covered Old Crow whiskey bottles hanging out by the old freight rail station and believe them not be very responsible. However, as a shaggy-headed trailer park resident with the bracelets and Old Crow-in-a-bag, I can tell you that nothing can be further than the truth. Why, ever since Black Sabbath did their first radio spots about responsible freebasing, the heavy metal subculture has had a long tradition of reputable media advocacy. Just check out these power-rockin’ PSAs from about 20 years ago.


I’m glad Rob Halford’s community service is working out so well. However, I do feel sorry for the schoolgirl riding off with K. K. Downing at the end. Still, nothing some tetracycline won’t clear up. So, don’t let the needle tracks fool you–we’re upstanding members of the community under the high-tension wires. In fact, when I get my Ad Council grant, I’m going to do a spot on safe methamphetamine mixing and one on overcoming Aqua-Net addiction.

* Bicentennial Celebration

This spot celebrates 200 years of fuckin’ America, man! Playing over a groovy 70s soundtrack, this psychedelic animated ad commemorates the Bicentennial with strobing stars, swirling stripes, flying hamburgers and bald eagles hatching from red, white and blue-colored acorns. It would seem that the United States Information Agency felt that the best way to observe the Bicentennial was to dose some powerful LSD. Tempting, but acid and Soylent Ape don’t get along too well. (Also, it’s more than 30 years too late.)



Written by Soylent Ape

June 2, 2008 at 5:32 am

80 Responses

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  1. The last one made me feel old.
    I was waiting for some syringes and bongs to come flying out of the cornucopia.


    June 2, 2008 at 1:37 pm

  2. Those were great! Never seen them before. Funny to see Halford that way – should have been a super clue to everyone of his gayness. I wish I had tried acid.


    June 2, 2008 at 2:58 pm

  3. Its never too late Freddy.
    Keep a good friend handy on the first try


    June 2, 2008 at 5:16 pm

  4. Yeah. I was a BIG HEAVY METAL HEAD…..SPIKED MULLET, CHAINS….PIERCED TONGUE,EARS and D*!K! …..and also a body that was built like a PANZER TANK!

    Bagel…..If you ever thought about having/making babies….then check out JaSoN’s ART DECO BAG. You just might get your TUBES TIED or YANKED OUT!

    Picasso and Van Gogh have met THEIR MATCH. JaSoN LIVES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    JaSoN....ReTaiL hELL

    June 3, 2008 at 2:20 am

  5. @ Freddy: I was pretty certain Halford was gay years before he came out. It’s a long story, but I don’t think he was trying particularly hard to keep it a secret.

    @ Micky: I wish I’d had a friend around when a psychotic Bugs Bunny was chasing me through the streets of my hometown with an axe.


    June 3, 2008 at 2:22 am

  6. Be vewy vewy quite. I’m hunting wight wing wepublican wabbits chasing gowillas with axes.


    June 3, 2008 at 10:27 am

  7. The GI Joe commercial would have been much more effective had the pit bull bitten that little ethnic child’s hand off.

    And then the kid would’a come back with his hombres and wasted the dog all over the street. You don’t fuck with GI Jose!

  8. Oh no, its the pork chop sandwiches one that’s the best.

    Lol Heathen

    June 3, 2008 at 5:44 pm

  9. I dont like it when these guys put their hands on the kids.
    It sends a bad message.


    June 3, 2008 at 6:17 pm

  10. @ Bagel: G. I. Jose is A Great (Central) American Hero!

    @ Micky: IF Bugs were a Conservative, you’d think he’d cut me a break. Then again, we Republicans eat our own. Isn’t that right, Scott McClellan.

    @LOLHeathen: I watched all of those PSAs. They were hilarious! My favorite was the “Body Massage”.


    June 3, 2008 at 8:05 pm

  11. @ Jason: We had a lot in common, then. Those were some of my favorite bands when I was young. I didn’t have a pierced dick, though.


    Soylent Ape

    June 4, 2008 at 3:34 am

  12. Oh yea soy. Bugs is definatly a con. Hes very much the individualist.
    Its Elmer Fud whos the moonbat.
    Bugs was probably throwing in a little shock and awe just get ya goin.
    Scott needs his head slapped, not because he hasnt made some valid points, but its all opinion and we know he just needed the money.


    June 4, 2008 at 10:27 am

  13. That’s it! enough of this boring bullshit. The only way I”m talking about GI Joe is if he’s naked.

    I need to see Bagel’s breasts right now.


    June 4, 2008 at 1:36 pm

  14. I have a GI joe doll that cap can rip the arms off of and use for a dildo


    June 4, 2008 at 3:46 pm

  15. @ MIcky: I never thought about it, but Bugs was all about personal freedom, unencumbered by a heavy-handed central government. He was all about gun ownership, cross-dressing, and property rights. Elmer Fudd represents Marxism: suppression of individual liberties (often through violent means), non-recognition of personal property rights (hunting on private land), and central allocation of wealth (running Bugs out of his hutch at gunpoint).

    McClellan had a long time to get that book out. The fact that it comes out now is no accident, I believe. He felt like the GOP threw him under the bus and now it’s time to return the favor. Also, he has a sympathetic liberal press kid-gloving him through publicizing the book. Call me cynical, I suppose.

    @ Cap: G. I. Joe is R&R-ing in Tel Aviv right now. I’m sure getting him naked wouldn’t be a problem.

    Soylent Ape

    June 4, 2008 at 4:41 pm

  16. Well then…chop chop

    Mick, keep your doll intact, I prefer Ken. His dick is bigger and if things don’t work out there’s always Barbie.


    June 4, 2008 at 6:01 pm

  17. I never played with dolls, I was into trucks and dirt but when the opportunity came up I always undressed the dolls and made them lay on top of each other.

    I knew then that I would always have a fetish with sex.


    June 4, 2008 at 6:06 pm

  18. Cap, the two are the same, just different make up.

    Two girls are pickin on me right now. Anyone wanna crack at em?
    I been rollin with them for a couple days right now. I might get kicked of the site the way its starting to look. I’ve been kinda sorta warned
    But only if yer up too it. I dont really need the help, I just wanna have some fun


    June 4, 2008 at 6:54 pm

  19. aw, shit, really? Does that mean I’m a lesbian or I just like men dressed in drag?


    June 4, 2008 at 7:08 pm

  20. Mick, two girls picking on ya and you’ve been kinda, sorta, warned, soooo…what’s the problem?


    June 4, 2008 at 7:10 pm

  21. They’re just a couple of rabid moonbats who cant make a decent point.
    I’m arguing individualism and they are arguing everything else but.



    June 4, 2008 at 9:11 pm

  22. @ Micky: I don’t even think they’re arguing anything, except which action figure makes the best sex toy.


    June 5, 2008 at 6:08 am

  23. Soy.
    I believe the cranial spanking has taken its toll on them.
    They’re like dogs with peanut butter in their mouths.
    The bitchs mouths are moving but they say nothing.


    June 5, 2008 at 12:39 pm

  24. Whoa, this place really sucked today


    June 5, 2008 at 11:40 pm

  25. Wow, check this shit out.
    It tells kids when they’re supposed to die.


    June 6, 2008 at 12:01 am

  26. I’m not sure what’s going on. I guess people are enjoying the weather.

    Always nice for kids to know when they’ll die. Call it “motivation”.


    June 6, 2008 at 6:33 am

  27. Yea, that kinda shit will motivate you right into a jar of Prozac


    June 6, 2008 at 11:14 am

  28. I said the same thing about the weather over at Keys place.
    You mainland Haoles get all fuckin lit up over a little sunshine.


    June 6, 2008 at 11:15 am

  29. Is Bagel out on the sidewalk in her lounge chair with zinc on her nose ?


    June 6, 2008 at 11:17 am

  30. Bagel is on RR. Bwahahahahaha….get it. I crack myself up.


    June 6, 2008 at 12:26 pm

  31. I’m sorry Soy, you’re great to talk to and I love reading your posts but I do miss The Bagster.


    June 6, 2008 at 12:27 pm

  32. yea well fuck you too.


    June 6, 2008 at 12:35 pm

  33. I’m sorry, I just realized that Caps last post was directed at soy.
    But fuck her anyway


    June 6, 2008 at 12:36 pm

  34. Ahhh, sweet words of wisdom.


    June 6, 2008 at 12:48 pm

  35. @ Micky: Hey, 3 weeks ago, it was monsooning here. Now the East Coast is blanketed with sunshine (for the most part). We can’t all live in a tropical paradise, so we gets it when we can.

    @ Cap: I know what you’re saying. I’m sure Boston put on a good show, but most people went to see KISS. Bagel is the heart and soul of what ЯR is and I’m proud of her, because she does so much more than just provide content. That’s why I believe she deserves a little rest. She’ll be back soon.


    June 6, 2008 at 7:02 pm

  36. Yea , I know soy, I just love to rub it you guys faces and make fun of pink and white people. Shark bait.
    Its all relative though, I miss the seasons.


    June 6, 2008 at 7:29 pm

  37. I don’t think I would miss the seasons. I need it to be hot all the time. And besides summer clothes are way better then winter clothes. I hate wearing all of them layers.


    June 6, 2008 at 7:47 pm

  38. thanks soy, maybe you can show me YOUR tits while I’m waiting. give her my best and I’m thinking about her.

    I prefer Boston over Kiss


    June 6, 2008 at 7:51 pm

  39. Didnt Boston just get a new lead ?
    Yup, just googled it. Tommy De Carlo, Home depot guy.

    I get tired of my balls schwetting to my thighs


    June 6, 2008 at 11:10 pm

  40. Keyboard¯broken  ,BE back later,


    June 7, 2008 at 8:50 am

  41. P, O, R, and N keys are sticky ?


    June 7, 2008 at 12:05 pm

  42. yeah, so are mine. What’s up with that?


    June 7, 2008 at 5:28 pm

  43. wanna see ?


    June 7, 2008 at 6:20 pm

  44. Heres that dinner I owe you cap


    June 7, 2008 at 6:33 pm

  45. Sorry dropped it on the way out.


    June 7, 2008 at 6:33 pm

  46. Ony my keyboard, every key is sticky!


    June 7, 2008 at 7:44 pm

  47. Fuck, you just got the thing !


    June 7, 2008 at 8:02 pm

  48. I bought the cheapest replacement I could find (natch’). What I didn’t realize was that my computer only takes USB, so I had to go back, exchange it at re-install it. Plus, I goofed off with Bagel for a while in between.


    June 7, 2008 at 8:11 pm

  49. Yea , I did the same thing with a new mouse, hadda bring it back.
    So I just opened up the old one and put some crazy glue on the contacts and “bingo”!

    In between what ? the sheets ?


    June 7, 2008 at 8:19 pm

  50. …between the blackouts.

    Soylent Ape

    June 7, 2008 at 10:14 pm

  51. Monty Python marathon now on BBC America!

    Soylent Ape

    June 8, 2008 at 9:47 am

  52. I use to watch Monty python all the time. what’s BBC America? Dah, I know it’s a channel but do I get it?

    Mick thanks for the dinner, I’m sure I’ll swallow it just fine.

    I just got my PC and the #5 was sticking. This morning I opened it up and there was an ant crawling on the keyboard. I smashed the mother fucker and now my 5 is working.


    June 8, 2008 at 11:18 am

  53. This why I dont allow food or drinks near the computer.
    The babies were sleeping under the 5.
    A hen outback just hatched 12 chicks, paternal hormones are raging as I have to be vigil in my watch for stray cats.
    Time to bring my crossbow down off the wall


    June 8, 2008 at 12:04 pm

  54. @ Capricorn: BBC America is The British Broadcasting Corp.’s American cable channel. It’s available on both major satellite providers and a little more than half the local cable systems in the country. The odds are that you could get it, but I pay for the second tier of DirecTV service for it, so you’d likely have to get a premium package to watch it. It’s worth it. If you opt to get it, you can watch Flying Circus Friday nights, followed by That Mitchell and Webb Look. You should watch that too. Trust me!

    @Micky: Where do you live in Hawaii where they’ll let you keep chickens in your backyard? You must be out in the cane fields. That’d be a real turn-ff to most tourists.

    Soylent Ape

    June 8, 2008 at 12:46 pm

  55. I live in an upscale townhouse complex.
    I have an end unit that is closest to the mountain.
    Wild chickens have been coming down from the hill and like a shmuck I’ve been feeding them.
    All our wildlife is actually what turns the tourists on. The chickens state wide dont present too much a problem.
    Theres not so many of them that they stink or or are any kind of pest. Although I have thought about shooting a couple of the roosters when I’m trying to think.
    This pic here is about 3 blocks from my place.

    This pic here is the view of my hood from out on the water

    The first pic where I live just to the right out of the frame.


    June 8, 2008 at 1:30 pm

  56. Sorry, Micky. I somehow envisioned an enclosed coup in your backyard. That would’ve seemed to go against local zoning standards. I hope to go to Hawaii one day. I know 2 people who’ve lievd there and they always talk about how wonderful it was. (Of course, not just anyone can afford to live there, which is why they’re back on the mainland.)

    That’s a fucking incredible place to live, there, Micky! Really beautiful! Kāneʻohe is the place everyone is wanting to move to in Hawaii.

    Soylent Ape

    June 8, 2008 at 2:25 pm

  57. We have decent standard of living in my household, but its due to a lot of hustling.
    I dont pay for anything I dont have to. And my grocery bill is half that of a normal family because I have a lot of wholesale food connections from my rest. days.
    And you have to factor in that we dont have costs associated with winter heating, clothing, etc…
    Kaneohe is one of the most desired locations because there are no new projects scheduled, so whats here gets the price it wants.( My 2 bed townhouse is worth 1/2 mill) Mostly because everyone is tired of the Honolulu side, its a fuckin zoo, its crowded.
    I swear, the most beautiful women in the world are right here man, and I’ve been around. They’re all a bunch of mutts and so mixed up you give up trying to figure out what anyone is.


    June 8, 2008 at 2:55 pm

  58. Hi there,

    Your site is to be reviewed this week at Ask And Ye Shall Receive. Due to a recent spate of malicious submissions, I just want to make sure that you requested this review. If so, e-mail me to let me know. I will not write a review of your site without confirmation.

    Professor Booty

    June 8, 2008 at 6:03 pm

  59. Soy, my friend lives in a residential area in Media, she has three chickens. Her husband built a small coupe for them. She goes out everyday a gets a fresh egg.

    If I can hear a dog howling on the next street over for hours on end, sometimes until 10pm, then I think it would be ok to hear a rooster crow a few times in the morning.


    June 8, 2008 at 6:18 pm

  60. Go suck that dogs dick.
    These fuckers are goin at it three and four at a time right at my front door.
    I mean 5 feet from my front door!
    Like I said it was me the shmuck who started feeding them months ago.
    Actually in the last few weeks they’ve become weary of getting hit with a high pressure sprayer.
    My boy is the reason I put up with it. He’s facinated by animals


    June 8, 2008 at 8:19 pm

  61. I’m gonna cut his dick off if he don’t stop. then he’ll have something to howl about.


    June 8, 2008 at 8:30 pm

  62. Um, Bagel dear, shouldn’t you have something new up? Herpes?


    June 10, 2008 at 8:15 am

  63. Carpet burn


    June 10, 2008 at 10:30 am

  64. All this about petting strange dogs, and not a single PSA about petting strange pussies. Of which Cappy’s is the strangest. ;)

    Love Bites

    June 10, 2008 at 11:06 am

  65. p.s. y’all are getting reviewed this week, what happened to the good shit?

    Love Bites

    June 10, 2008 at 11:07 am

  66. Oh, it’s all the good shit. And I would know. I went to Blog Review College and got a B.S. I mostly only remember the keggers, though. “Lambda Theta FU, we hardly knew ye.” Good times.

    The 'Goose

    June 10, 2008 at 12:35 pm

  67. Yeah, LB, I always like to stand out in a crowd. It might be strange but at least it’s clean. Bagel likes it.


    June 10, 2008 at 12:50 pm

  68. Bagel, Bagel. Come in, Bagel. The people await your return. Look how goddamned patient we are!

    The 'Goose

    June 10, 2008 at 12:55 pm

  69. Stuck to da sheets


    June 10, 2008 at 1:07 pm

  70. I think she had to go in to the witness protection program and is being relocated.


    June 10, 2008 at 1:30 pm

  71. Shes getting a makeover


    June 10, 2008 at 2:06 pm

  72. Alien abduction.


    June 10, 2008 at 4:56 pm

  73. Hi there.

    Anyone miss me?

    The Bagel of Everything

    June 11, 2008 at 9:01 am

  74. Woohoo !


    June 11, 2008 at 10:20 am

  75. are you back, for real. I missed you, I missed your boobies and I missed your smile.

    Soy is great but I like your boobies better.

    glad you’re back


    June 11, 2008 at 10:25 am

  76. Soy can’t move his boobies independently.

  77. Everyone missed you. Now give us some candy!

    The 'Goose

    June 11, 2008 at 12:51 pm

  78. Yea, but us guys can make our boners bounce up and down at will


    June 11, 2008 at 12:51 pm

  79. test


    July 16, 2008 at 11:32 pm

  80. I FINALLY I got to read your article, there is definately a problem with your XHtml. Have you tried verifying it through W3? It could just be A theme problem though… Just thought I would warn you from one webmaster to another because I would hate to lose my traffic if I had an issue and didn’t notice.

    Carroll B. Merriman

    February 19, 2010 at 8:28 pm

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