Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Loretta Lynn will mess you up!

with 64 comments

You’d best close your face and stay out my way if you don’t wanna go to Fist City…
‘Cause I’ll grab you by the hair a the head, and I’ll lift a you off a the ground.

Damn straight. She’s so Ghetto!


Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 15, 2008 at 7:57 am

64 Responses

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  1. Hell, yeah! Close your faceholes, bitches! ‘Cause Loretta ain’t having it.

    The 'Goose

    May 15, 2008 at 9:15 am

  2. For some reason I picture her car having a bunch of bumper stickers on it.

    Why do people always come after the third party ?
    Usually the poor slob has no idea you’re already hooked up.
    Its her ole man she should fucking castrate


    May 15, 2008 at 9:24 am

  3. That song cracks me up. I never understood women fighting over men, either. Because hey, ladies? Your man knows better. Tell him to act right. And if that doesn’t work, get Loretta Lynn to knock him out.

    The 'Goose

    May 15, 2008 at 10:15 am

  4. Personally, I find that liquer and love mix well.

    Body shots, anyone? I washed!

  5. It was this kinda shit that drove me away from country and forever implanted the vision of hick idiots in my brain.
    And shes smilin all perty and shit during the whole song like she was singing to pre schoolers


    May 15, 2008 at 11:33 am

  6. where’s fist city, Alabama?


    May 15, 2008 at 5:32 pm

  7. I like the country, not the ghetto hick country, the real serene country. I like being outdoors, I like taking in the scenery, I like the smell of fresh air. I like fucking in the tall yellow grass on a side of a hill in the country.

    But then again fucking on an elevator between floors in a high rise in So Ho gets my blood boiling, too.


    May 15, 2008 at 6:11 pm

  8. I was raised on this stuff. My father’s mother was a huge Patsy Cline fan.

    I like Loretta better. She’s keepin it real, yo.

  9. I’ll make an exception for Johnny Cash.


    May 15, 2008 at 9:13 pm

  10. Love Kenny Rogers. Is he country?


    May 15, 2008 at 9:32 pm

  11. No, KR is a retard. He’s too stupid to find a genre even.


    May 15, 2008 at 9:34 pm

  12. @ Bagel: She could mean a number of things by “Going to Fist City”. Go, Loretta!

    @ Micky: Johnny Cash may have come out of a country music background, but his music was every bit as rebellious as Jimi Hendrix or The MC5. He’s a helluva songwriter, too.

    @ Capricorn: Kenny Rogers? I thought he ran roasted chicken restaurants. He sings, too?

    @ Keywork: Even though Kenny Rogers seems like a stand-up guy, I think his music is absolutely repugnant. Total schlock.

    Soylent Ape

    May 15, 2008 at 9:46 pm

  13. Tom T. Hall, ya’ll!

  14. ok what do I know, im just a city girl but I don’t give a fuck what you say I still like him. so eat me.


    May 15, 2008 at 10:04 pm

  15. oh I’m sorry do I have hormonal imbalance written across my forehead.


    May 15, 2008 at 10:15 pm

  16. Bagel, where’s my sammich. what do you call it, orgasmic fuck me juice or something.


    May 15, 2008 at 10:19 pm

  17. Cappy’s Menopausal Delight?

  18. oh yeah, GIVE ME SOME


    May 15, 2008 at 10:27 pm

  19. Make it yo’ self. Here’s the recipe:

    The Bagel of Everything said, on April 30th, 2008 at 12:52 pm (Edit)

    I’m having tuna salad on toast with tomatoes and melted muenster. I used to call it The Skank in Heat, but I was out of eggs, so now it’s Cappy’s Menopausal Delight.

  20. Hmmm….maybe I just need to get laid.


    May 15, 2008 at 10:34 pm

  21. besides if I eat that now I’ll have some crazy dreams.


    May 15, 2008 at 10:35 pm

  22. I had a nap earlier and dreamed maggots were crawling all over me.
    Just now I found my dog eating something weird. I picked it up and sniffed it. With my bare hands.

    It was an especially nasty cat turd.

    I’m never eating again.

  23. ew.


    May 15, 2008 at 10:39 pm

  24. now, i’m never eating again.


    May 15, 2008 at 10:39 pm

  25. You’re welcome.

  26. yes, thank you my love. now I can add anorexia to my bulimia history


    May 15, 2008 at 10:51 pm

  27. Soy.
    That explains everyrhing.
    He was rather unconventional, wasnt he ?


    May 15, 2008 at 11:49 pm

  28. Micky: Johnny Cash once burned down a National Forest while high on amphetamines. I’d like to hear Garth Brooks or Billy Ray Cyrus pull that kind of shit off!

    Soylent Ape

    May 16, 2008 at 6:05 am

  29. Johnny be kicking ayse.

    The 'Goose

    May 16, 2008 at 11:31 am

  30. thank you, bagel. this totally made my day. Before Nashville turned into Pussyville. thank you.


    May 16, 2008 at 12:19 pm

  31. Soy.
    I burned a hotel down once while high on Drambuie and coke.


    May 16, 2008 at 12:29 pm

  32. Im starving


    May 16, 2008 at 12:46 pm

  33. can I have a bagel with everything, please.


    May 16, 2008 at 12:46 pm

  34. Aww fuck here we go again.
    Why dont you two just get a fuckin room ?


    May 16, 2008 at 3:33 pm

  35. because we like when people watch.


    May 16, 2008 at 3:43 pm

  36. and also because we’re poor

  37. Maybe they’re afraid you’ll get coked up and burn it down, Mick.

    Soylent Ape

    May 16, 2008 at 4:59 pm

  38. Yea Soy, you got a point.

    Maybe it would be fitting to burn it after they’re done.


    May 16, 2008 at 8:03 pm

  39. after we’re done it will become a shrine and people will come from afar to worship it. We’ll become a legacy.

    give me my sammich


    May 16, 2008 at 9:00 pm

  40. eat yer mattres


    May 16, 2008 at 9:11 pm

  41. what are you talking about, you’ll be the first in line


    May 16, 2008 at 9:23 pm

  42. and since you’re so special to us we’ll give you half price discount.


    May 16, 2008 at 9:24 pm

  43. How can you not love that! I bet there’s a lot of fistfucking going on in Fist City..yikes. I’m staying away from that town.


    May 16, 2008 at 10:58 pm

  44. Cap.
    When I burned down that hotel I was standing on the sidewalk watching the fire fighters chop a hole in the wall. (they enlarged the window)
    Suddenly my mattress came flying out through the hole and flew through the air like an incoming meteorite and crashed on the sidewalk.
    All firery and shit.
    That picture in my mind will always remind me of you from now on.
    If I’m correct you just bought a mattress not too long ago, right ?
    Got a match ?


    May 17, 2008 at 1:14 am

  45. Freddy: Soy & I are were born and raised about 60 miles from Loretta’s hometown. Soy’s been there. He still walks a little funny…

  46. I was brought up on Garth Brooks, so I can’t really appreciate old school country. Some may call it blasphemy, but I’ll take Big and Rich style country any day…


    May 17, 2008 at 2:19 pm

  47. Yeah, I used to play with a band in Kentucky. I’d drive by Butcher Hollow every time I went home. There’s not much to it.

    Soylent Ape

    May 17, 2008 at 4:06 pm

  48. LOL..Bagel you bad…


    May 17, 2008 at 6:58 pm

  49. coal miners daughter is one of my favorite movies.


    May 18, 2008 at 9:22 am

  50. One of Bagel’s, too.

    Soylent Ape

    May 18, 2008 at 10:50 pm

  51. Figures


    May 18, 2008 at 11:42 pm

  52. Bagel had a “holler” upbringing, for sure. Not quite as backward as Loretta Lynn’s, though. She had indoor plumbing and a telephone and everything.

    Soylent Ape

    May 19, 2008 at 5:48 am

  53. Amazing how opposites attract.
    Cap is a scatter brain ding a ling and Bagel is scatter brain genius.

    I lived on in an old coffe plantation shack, originally built for slave pickers.
    Hadan out house and one plug. Whats cool was the guy before me put in a full blown veggie garden and my rent was 25.00 a month.
    But ya needed a Hummer to get there


    May 19, 2008 at 12:05 pm

  54. I had the same upbringing. I had plumbing and a telephone, too, but we didn’t have heat. When the heater broke we couldn’t afford to fix it so we had a wood stove in the cellar, yes cellar because that’s what you call it when there is a dirt floor.

    I spent my weekends cutting wood and loading it from the truck to the cellar.


    May 19, 2008 at 5:39 pm

  55. Micky: Awww shucks!

    Cappy: My family was below the nat’l poverty line, but well-to-do by local standards. We lived well above our means…we had a TransAm and all the Jordache jeans a girl could wear. But we lived on a dirt road. We didn’t have cable because there was no cable to be had in the area.

    I knew lots of kids who still had to use outhouses.

  56. I didn’t have designer anything, although we did have new shoes when needed. My father had his own pool co. when I was in the fifth grade he got sick (he ruptured his large intestine) it was touch and go for a while. my mom didn’t work so she had to go out and get a job and without a high school diploma there wasn’t much. she had to sell all of my father’s equipment to make ends meat. he was out of work for some time. I remember he use to buy old tools and paint them up and sell them at a flea market. when I got into high school things were better. I even had my own car when I got my license, wasn’t new but it ran.


    May 19, 2008 at 7:26 pm

  57. I remember eating a lot of fish cause that’s what poor people ate. It’s funny cause today fish is more then beef.


    May 19, 2008 at 7:27 pm

  58. I must be from the generation after fish prices went up, because I think of fish as an upper-middle-class and above food. We had fish sticks sometimes, but that’s different.

    My mom didn’t cook much, so we ate alot of bologna.

    My mother was raised more in the way that you were. She actually was borned a coal miner’s daughter. The was she described her life, it was exactly like the movie.

    One day, while looking through old photos at my grandmother’s house, I noticed that the family always had on nice clothes and the kids had good toys. I told my grama what mom said about her raisings– how she didn’t have shoes in the summer and had to eat pinto beans all the time, even for breakfast, and how they kept a Sears catalog in the outhouse to wipe their asses with. Grama said it was a crock of shit!

    I don’t think my mother was lying on purpose. She likely watched Coal Miner’s Daughter while stoned, and got confused.

  59. that’s my problem then, most of my high school years I spent smoking a joint maybe i just forgot.


    May 19, 2008 at 8:11 pm

  60. Awwww

    Don’t be sad! I’m sure you had a shit up bringing!

    “My mother was raised more in the way that you were”
    Sorry, I chose my words poorly.

  61. Your mom cracks me up, Bagel.

    Soylent Ape

    May 20, 2008 at 6:10 am

  62. I love Loretta. And that was before she did that song with Jack White, which I also liked.


    May 22, 2008 at 8:28 am

  63. […] You don’t fuck with Loretta Lynn. Yet, she sings these things so […]

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