Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Guide to Genital Play and Torment

with 36 comments

family jewels cover As an angry feminist, I love kicking men in the balls and pricking their scrotes with rusty pins. It doesn’t turn me on, but it sure makes me happy. Thanks to the magic of the internets, I’ve discovered something wondrous: there are men who not only enjoy such treatment, but will pay dearly for it! 

To prove to myself this wasn’t just internet lore, I went in search of hardcopy evidence. There is a damned fine mess of books out there on the subject; I think Family Jewels: A Guide to Male Genital Play & Torment is the one for me. Unfortunately, I was able to dig up precious little information about this book.

Here’s what the publisher has to say about it:

Simultaneously powerful and vulnerable, the male genitals offer boundless possibilities for painful pleasures. From anatomy to psychology to descriptions of actual play scenarios, here’s a wealth of information and ideas for any man or woman who wants to offer more pleasure and intensity to the family jewels!

Excuse me, I’ve got to go sprinkle some ground glass into Soy’s underwear drawer. You know, to please him.

 Author’s blog – Author’s Myspace – Publisher’s site – Buy it

 More Books that Exist: A Hand in the Bush – The Haunted Vagina 
How to cook for your fat hairy gay man – Christian Domestic Discipline



Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 9, 2008 at 2:47 am

36 Responses

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  1. this title will never make it on to my shelves.



    May 9, 2008 at 9:41 am

  2. quote of the week: “It doesn’t turn me on, but it sure makes me happy.” lol


    May 9, 2008 at 10:25 am

  3. I believe this is required reading at Eton.


    May 9, 2008 at 10:54 am

  4. I think there is a need for more books like this one.

    Love Bites

    May 9, 2008 at 12:42 pm

  5. When I was a little boy my dick got caught in my zipper, big time, zipped all the way up.
    My mom assisted in getting it out.
    She was brutal. She acted very calm and spoke slowly and gently.
    And then without warning just yanked my zipper down in a split second.
    There must be some Freudian explanation as to why I do this on purpose every day now and get my wife to help me


    May 9, 2008 at 2:05 pm

  6. WDL: Because it’s in your nightstand?

    SEO: Yeah, I’m clever like that.

    Mark: Eatin’

    Love Bi: Stay tuned.

    Micky: hahahahahaha.

    Possibly related posts: (automatically generated)

    And the charm continues. . .

    WPc is right on the money!

  7. that could go both ways, I read in the paper over the winter that a guy hooked his girlfriends nipples up to battery cables to give her some juice. the dumb fiuck used to high of voltage and killed her.


    May 9, 2008 at 5:53 pm

  8. and who needs a fucking book to know how to torment male dicks?


    May 9, 2008 at 6:11 pm

  9. Certainly not you.


    May 9, 2008 at 6:44 pm

  10. Wait a minute !
    Can you torment a female dick ?


    May 9, 2008 at 7:31 pm

  11. Cappy: We’re born knowing how to torment them. The book will teach us how to convince menfolk that they like it.

  12. ah…yes I get it now.

    mick you wish someone would even touch your dick let alone torment it.

    I hate the way my new laptop types.


    May 9, 2008 at 9:36 pm

  13. Whatever Cap. That was about as funny as submarine with a screen door
    At least I’m not being a redundant retard,

    “Male dicks”


    May 9, 2008 at 11:02 pm

  14. omg…this scares me….


    May 10, 2008 at 12:20 am

  15. Women, in general, already know how to inflict male genital torment. This book is about as necessary as a brochure teaching Amy Winehouse how to smoke crack.

    Soylent Ape

    May 10, 2008 at 10:29 am

  16. I got my present today and I love it. thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you.

    And I really hate the way my new laptop types. the words are like on delay. why? someone? it’s like I type faster then the words print. I’m so depressed. I lost everything.


    May 10, 2008 at 2:22 pm

  17. Maybe your vision is delayed.
    You might of lost everything but ya still got me baby !



    May 10, 2008 at 3:23 pm

  18. Be afraid, Freddy. Be very afraid.

    Micky: I picked up a shiny new pack of mini screwdrivers at the dollah sto’. Wanna come play?

  19. Bagel, are your binoculars falling apart ?
    I do not want any shiny metallic instruments near my dick, ever again.
    They snipped me when I was 6.
    If anything explains my defensive personality, that would be it.

    I loved the dollar store.
    Now everything is 1.25 and its all made in china land.


    May 11, 2008 at 10:06 am

  20. I am afraid Bagel…

    Cheers to what you said Soy… and you better start checking your underwear before you put it on! Yikes!


    May 11, 2008 at 1:53 pm

  21. Freddy: Oh, yes. I do.

    @ Micky: The atnthropology of dollar stores is a fascinating one. First, they sold useless junk made in the USA. Later, they’re selling useful stuff, mostly made in-house at Chinese factories. Quite a jump.

    Soylent Ape

    May 11, 2008 at 10:07 pm

  22. Hey kids! I turned off the “possibility related posts (automatically generated)”, as we seemed to be turning up on family oriented sites.

    Freedom of speech comes with responsibilities, or some such do-goodery.

  23. What would family oriented blogs be writing about that makes WordPress think RR is even remotely related? Heh, it’s like my AdSense ads that contradict me in front of my readers. I rant about Scientology, the ads tell people to convert to it. Respect mah authoritah Google!

    Anyways, this book looks…strange. It’s like the Kama Sutra of dysfunctional couples who have hate sex.


    May 12, 2008 at 5:34 am

  24. Some people have this stupid idea that CBT stands for something other than Cock & Ball Torture.

    I noticed those Co$ ads on your blog a while back, but I kept my mouth shut.

    mmm…hate sex

  25. Nice move, Bagel. It’s a bit early for an 11 year-old to learn about Jenkem or Armin Meiwes.

    Soylent Ape

    May 12, 2008 at 6:15 am

  26. I know, right?
    That kinda shit needs to wait until after lunch

  27. You know, one thing that worries me about boyfriend is that he is so nice that hate sex may be impossible. Hrm.


    May 12, 2008 at 8:50 pm

  28. Sorry. The thought of hate sex is very distracting. Why do I love it so much?


    May 12, 2008 at 8:51 pm

  29. Awe, I’m sorry your b/f is such a pussy boy.

  30. He’s not a pussy-boy. he’s just very difficult to hate, unlike the asshats I used to date. hate sex with them was easy because they were so very hateable.

    Love Bites

    May 13, 2008 at 11:01 am

  31. Yeah, LB. You’re gonna have to learn him. “The dark side! Let me show you it!” Try that or “All your balls are belong to me.” As a last resort, tearfully explain that if he loved you, he would put out.

    The 'Goose

    May 13, 2008 at 11:03 am

  32. Or just yell, “Man up, pussy boy!” and see if he goes for it.

    The 'Goose

    May 13, 2008 at 11:29 am

  33. Or drive him to drink.

    Drunkards are good at violence.

  34. Yeah they are.


    May 13, 2008 at 4:23 pm

  35. Speaking of violent drunks, where’s Uncle Micky?

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