Ration Reality

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Hey, sorry about that whole lockdown thing

with 25 comments

Boone, NC– An Appalachian State University student admitted that he lied about an alleged armed robbery that disrupted nearly the entire campus for the better part of a day.  Matthew Haney, a 22-year old English major, came clean about his mistruth on Tuesday, after reporting an armed burglary at his residence a day earlier.

With the hair-triggered environment surrounding most colleges after the Virginia Tech massacre last year, the report of a nearby armed gunman shut down the entire campus, sent alerts to students and flooded the grounds with law enforcement officers. The student reported that he returned to his off-campus apartment to find an armed n’er-do-well pilfering his television. He described the non-existent suspect as being a white male in a “black Pink Floyd shirt” with a dark ski mask and “small black handgun”.

It turns out, the whole story was fabricated to cover the student’s security deposit. “He maintains he found his door damaged when he came home,” says Boone Police spokesman Matt Stevens. “But he admits there was no man or armed man. He went to report it to his management and believed he would be held responsible. It sort of snowballed.”

Snowballed? No shit! Of course, the lie was no match for the investigators. I know none of my college classmates that owned a Pink Floyd T-Shirt would have broken into someone’s apartment–that would have required them to muster some sort of effort. Although, being avid snowboarders, many of them would have had a ski mask. I don’t know about why one of them would own a gun, except that it would have made an interesting bong or pipe of some sort. Furthermore, if you think I believe that the guy’s door was broken without some culpability on his own part, then you must be Piping at the Gates of Dawn. He’s a male college student. Such people get drunk, act like idiots and break shit. (Trust me on this, okay?) But, hey, if you can save your security deposit by putting all local authorities on alert, locking down your school and cancelling classes, why not?

Sources: The Virginian-Pilot – The Associated Press – Fox News

Bagel note: If you follow this link, play the news video, then, after the commercial is over, right click on the video and the speed to slow, you’ll be informed of this story by stammering retards. Networks should hire retards to read the news. Everyone loves retards.

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Written by Soylent Ape

March 6, 2008 at 2:29 am

25 Responses

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  1. I still have my black pink floyd dark side of the moon rainbow prism t- shirt from 1971.
    But I could never keep track of my bongs.
    Maybe he blew up the recruiting center in NY cuz he thought he had to join


    March 6, 2008 at 9:33 am

  2. Bagel: only the really retarded ones.


    March 6, 2008 at 9:58 am

  3. Oh, and this fucking clown should have gotten the SWAT treatment. I hope they start castrating people like him. Seriously, I’m not a fan of castration, but this is fucking regoddamnediculous.


    March 6, 2008 at 11:35 am

  4. I agree Key.
    They should gave this guy the full blown Anti terror unit swat rush with a display of every fucking weapon they have. And then lock him in a room with a few pain engineer types and start asking him for Bin Ladens location.
    We need to start making examples of these shmucks.
    Too much ” cry wolf” and one day we wont know what hit us


    March 6, 2008 at 12:08 pm

  5. Did I mention I was an English Major during my brief stint in college? Seeing a pattern here. That’s what the 5 paragraph form will do to a person. No, wait, this guy is just a sorry douchebag. Micky, we could introduce him to our machine. Rage against that, I dare ya.


    March 6, 2008 at 12:27 pm

  6. Problem is that the male anatomy is short one hole.
    Actually, that would be fucking hilarious to watch. Maybe it would climb right up his dick. OUCH !


    March 6, 2008 at 3:33 pm

  7. Kid looks like Harry Potter.

    The Bagel of Everything

    March 6, 2008 at 3:54 pm

  8. “Kid looks like Harry Potter”

    Isn’t someone trying to kill him at the moment?

    lil bit shorty

    March 6, 2008 at 4:36 pm

  9. NOT !
    He looks like David Koresh.
    Motherfucker got resureccted !


    March 6, 2008 at 4:44 pm

  10. We Ain’t Comin Out. Fuck you, Janet Reno, fuck you.


    March 6, 2008 at 4:57 pm

  11. Wow, Micky! He looks just like a young Koresh. Scary. Nothing personal about the Pink Floyd shirt. Just about every hammerhead (‘Floyd fan) I knew was a pot devotee with an aversion to physical activity that didn’t involve a hackey-sack or snowboard.

    @ Keywork: Someone who willfully spreads so much fea in a community sounds like a terrorist to me.

    Bagel note: Silly soy, commenting from my pc while I was logged on. Avatar thief!

    Soylent Ape

    March 6, 2008 at 5:01 pm

  12. @Bagel: Having lived near Waco at the time, I can tell you people were alot more frightened of the ATF.


    March 6, 2008 at 5:06 pm

  13. when I was about 13 my dad and I would sit around and get stoned while listening to Floyd.
    In that day, that was the shit ! We had Macintosh, Phase linear and Bose 901s baby


    March 6, 2008 at 5:34 pm

  14. And yes Soy, we looked like freaked out teddy bears glued to the sofa .
    We did not get much done while wearing our Floyd shirts.


    March 6, 2008 at 5:37 pm

  15. When I was in college calling in bomb threats and freaking out law enforcement was all about getting out of a test or turning in a paper that was due…broken door frames were most likely caused from out of control partying. He was worried about his security deposit? What a fuckin retard. Now he’ll most likely get a fat bill from police or the school.


    March 6, 2008 at 6:19 pm

  16. or both. what an idiot.


    March 6, 2008 at 6:44 pm

  17. Where I went to college, you don’t call the police even if you really were robbed. Especially if you really were robbed.

    If you admited such weakness, you’d be robbed weekly.

    The Bagel of Everything

    March 8, 2008 at 3:29 pm

  18. I went to the University of Hawaii.
    But I never wore the shirts because they said ” Uh “


    March 8, 2008 at 3:45 pm

  19. I always laugh aloud when I see someone wearing a UH shirt, especially if it has the “rainbow” logo on it, because it somehow looks even more ridiculous. I know it’s rude, but I simply can’t help myself.

    Soylent Ape

    March 8, 2008 at 8:45 pm

  20. Yea, the rainbow can be confusing to be nice about it. In my day it was just green and white. But the cool thing was that I got early admissions when i was 16.
    So I had a college ID. In my day if you had that the bouncer wouldnt even check it.
    Or the liquor clerk. They just assumed you were 18, which was legal then.
    Ah, the good ole days. fifty cent beers, open till four AM, tourist girls everwhere and there was no aids


    March 8, 2008 at 9:54 pm

  21. Vietnam war, Nixon impeachment, Stonewall, energy crisis, 3 mile island, Son of Sam, Watts riots…

    Good times.

  22. fifty cent beers took care of all that,


    March 8, 2008 at 10:59 pm

  23. My alma mater’s initials are now FU. Yes, it looks less goofy than UH, but still kinda thoughtless on the school’s part.

    The campus is in this small town that’s pretty slow and very conservative. Needless to say, everybody cards. I’d go about 30 miles away to a huge Division 1 university around which the whole town revolved. Every block had some kind of bar/tavern/club and nobody gave a shit about how old anyone was. Anything would go there, too. On Sunday morning, you’d see college kids sleeping on the sidewalks and in bus shelters like it was the most normal thing in the world. I once saw a guy so charged up on PCP that he could throw a 250-lb cop into a wall like throwing a rag doll. The town was so dependent on the school, it largely tolerated it all.

    Soylent Ape

    March 9, 2008 at 12:22 am

  24. I ran the streets hard in San Diego between 80 and 85 full blown street dealing turf wars, pimping getting stabbed an shot at for the whole time.
    There was this one guy who used to walk around wearing his Ghi with his black belt all the time.
    I figured anyone who flaunted it and was so disrespectful really couldnt be shit. These were the days when everybody was Bruce Lee.
    He started some crap one day and about 6 cops showed up. In about half a minute cops were flying everywhere. Right out of the fucking movies.
    He actually threw one up on the car roof. Looked like Aikido or Judo.
    He did go to jail.
    AnnArbor was a pretty cool college town, I had a fucking blast. Was a doorman at the Pretzel Bell. Knocked out a linebacker with one of the display bells. Thing was about as big as a canteloupe.
    I shit you not, it rang.


    March 9, 2008 at 2:50 am

  25. I went to Marshall University — it’s where everyone who’s anyone goes, back home. Have to learn the secret handshake.

    Since the movie came out, most ppl prolly know our chant it WE ARE MARSHALL! Often as not, it’s shortened to WE ARE!

    There was a big billboard near the campus that was in our school colors and simply said WE ARE!
    I fancied that it was for our philosophy dept rather than our football team.

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