Ration Reality

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Rest in Peace – In Advance: Audrey Tautou

with 48 comments

Rest in Peace

(in advance)


Audrey Tautou

Audrey Tautou

1978-2020

On November 4, a new series began here at RationReality, in which we celebrate the lives of our favorite celebrities by writing their about their eventual deaths. We do this to quiet the deep soul-stirring fear that we will be too busy to care on the day these Gods among men actually meet their end.  To this end, Soylent Ape brings us our second edition of Rest in Peace – In Advance.

Ration Reality PreBituary: Audrey Tautou (1978-2020)

The cinematic world has lost a true luminary with the passing of ubiquitous French actress Audrey Tautou, star of A Very Long Engagement, The Spanish Apartment and God is Great, I’m Not. The most prolific actress ever, Miss Tautou boasted over 1,000 film credits in her relatively short career.

Born in Beaumont, Puy-de-Dôme, France, to a dentist father and difficult mother, Audrey showed an aptitude for comedy and saccharin cuteness. Inspired by Paul Newman, Meryl Streep, various annoying French actors, Tautou studied comedic acting at the prestigious Cours Florent. While living in Paris, she noticed the fully-idealized women that walked up and down her street and decided she must do something to set hershelf apart from the gorgeous Madamoiselles that aparently overran Paris. She decided to ratchet up her puppy-dog innocence and sexy, girl-next-door naivite to painful levels. (Later, she discovered that there was a modeling agency on her street, but by this time, the damage was done, and the world would soon find itself no match for her renegade cuteness.)

Tautou’s big break came with 1998’s La Vieille Barrière and several successful pictures followed. In 2001, Ms. Tautou’s career-making role came in the title role to the film Amelie. Shortly thereafter, French law ordered all French film productions from that point on would feature Tautou. This proved to be a mixed blessing, since it provided her with undeniable fame and financial security while collecting a severe toll on her health and well-being. After her kidneys failed in 2012, roles had to be carefully written around her gigantic dialysis machine, which she used continuously, as she was afforded no time for kidney transplant surgery.

In the last few years of her life, she became somewhat bitter about the marathon production schedules imposed upon her. The actress’ chronic fatigue was managed by copious amounts of amphetamines and brief catatonic lapses. Her last words uttered on the set of Dirty Pretty Things 4: The Final Straw were reportedly, “Please. I am so tired.” Audrey Tautou died on the main soundstage between takes. She was 42.

Audrey is survived by no one. (Her grueling, year-round film production schedule left her no time for dating or family. The producers of Dirty Pretty Things 4 have stated they plan to complete the feature using deleted footage and digital image supposition techniques used to complete The Crow after Brandon Lee was killed. A small memorial service will be held at Blockbuster Video on Ave. de Lysee-Mourier in Paris.


Related posts: RIP-IA: Jeanne Tripplehorn – Shirley Temple is Creepy – TLDR Biographies: Thomas Edison

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Written by Soylent Ape

December 14, 2007 at 5:12 am

48 Responses

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  1. Good night, sweet prince.

    Kevin

    December 14, 2007 at 10:37 am

  2. i can honestly say that i have not seen a single film of hers, and i wont miss her creepy upper lip either! Peace out french tart!

    Stona Lisa

    December 14, 2007 at 12:47 pm

  3. The Spanish Apartment is a good movie, Stona. You’d like it.

    bagel of everything

    December 14, 2007 at 12:52 pm

  4. My heart is breaking! Say it ain’t so! Well, you know, i’m speaking in the future.

    seohack

    December 14, 2007 at 1:53 pm

  5. lol

    SEO: are you getting spammed like crazy?
    I think I know what the glitch is but I’m ‘fraid to broadcast it here.
    It’s making me batshit

    bagel of everything

    December 14, 2007 at 2:22 pm

  6. no. the interwebs luv me. they wants me to be happy. plus I sacrificed a got at my Al Gore shrine so hopefully that will keep all the tubes happily humming along.

    seohack

    December 14, 2007 at 2:30 pm

  7. i’d do her corpse. Audrey’s cute, lifeless corpse.

    keywork.

    December 14, 2007 at 2:35 pm

  8. @ Stona. I missed her upper lip once

    micky2

    December 14, 2007 at 2:36 pm

  9. did you buy her a pearl necklace to make it up to her? :b

    bagel of everything

    December 14, 2007 at 4:32 pm

  10. he should have given her a dirty moosing.

    keywork.

    December 14, 2007 at 4:41 pm

  11. ha! I totally remember you educating me on that.

    bagel of everything

    December 14, 2007 at 4:42 pm

  12. happy to oblige.

    keywork.

    December 14, 2007 at 4:50 pm

  13. Yeaaa, the ole “got milk” moostache

    micky2

    December 14, 2007 at 5:00 pm

  14. Wait a minute ! Key ! You educated your daughter on what ?

    micky2

    December 14, 2007 at 5:01 pm

  15. not in a ‘hands-on’ way, micky. remember, bagel, daddy only loves you when you’re quiet.

    keywork.

    December 14, 2007 at 5:09 pm

  16. Well, not in a *hands* on way…

    hehehehehe

    bagel of everything

    December 14, 2007 at 5:14 pm

  17. What’s a dirty moose keywork?

    Kevin

    December 14, 2007 at 5:17 pm

  18. yes I’m feeling clever today.

    keywork.

    December 14, 2007 at 5:17 pm

  19. bagel, can you find and link the post where I left the ‘moose’ description? Otherwise, prepare to be moosed.

    keywork.

    December 14, 2007 at 5:18 pm

  20. i searched the comments for “moose”. It turned up like 200 comments.

    bagel of everything

    December 14, 2007 at 5:21 pm

  21. i’ll get it.

    keywork.

    December 14, 2007 at 5:24 pm

  22. Moose, moose, I like a moose,
    I’ve never had anything quite like a moose,
    I’ve had many lovers, my morals are loose,
    But I’ve never had anything quite like a moose.
    I’ve found many women attracted to me.
    A few of them have had me over for tea.
    Some say that they love me when they’re feeling loose,
    But I’d trade the world’s women for one lovely moose!

    micky2

    December 14, 2007 at 5:24 pm

  23. you should totally moose kevin

    its prolly the only thing he’s never done

    bagel of everything

    December 14, 2007 at 5:26 pm

  24. http://rationreality.com/2007/09/06/tom-corbett-ass-cadet/. read the comments, i go into great detail.

    keywork.

    December 14, 2007 at 5:26 pm

  25. Thats stupid !
    Try blowing air up her pussy and then push on her bellybutton and you’ll get a pussy fart like you’ve never heard.
    That usually embaresses them pretty well, especially if you’re taping it.

    micky2

    December 14, 2007 at 5:41 pm

  26. also, it can kill her.

    if any air gets into the uterus, she’s a dead woman.

    bagel of everything

    December 14, 2007 at 5:42 pm

  27. actually, micky, it’s very satisfying. I’ll let you have all of those pussy farts. They’re all yours.

    keywork.

    December 14, 2007 at 5:43 pm

  28. Guess I have to get a penis reduction, key ! wanna buy some ?
    Or I could open a Calamari restaurant with the left overs

    micky2

    December 14, 2007 at 5:44 pm

  29. i prefer to kill using more conventional weapons. assault rifle, kabar, poison, blood chokes, power point.

    keywork.

    December 14, 2007 at 5:45 pm

  30. i’ll pass, you’re going to have a difficult time selling three very diseased millimeters of questionable tissue.

    keywork.

    December 14, 2007 at 5:46 pm

  31. Surely grown women don’t get embarrassed over queefs?
    Stop screwing teenage girls, micky.

    bagel of everything

    December 14, 2007 at 5:47 pm

  32. powerpoint
    What ! the one on your head ?
    I can kill someone by just thinking about it, ha!

    micky2

    December 14, 2007 at 5:47 pm

  33. Grown womens queefs dont make any noise, its more like a slow summer breeze.

    micky2

    December 14, 2007 at 5:48 pm

  34. you guys are so fucking wrong you came up with prebituaries.

    i like it

    criminyjicket

    December 14, 2007 at 8:50 pm

  35. Go to your local Blockbuster’s, Movie Gallery or Hollywood Video. Can you find a French film made since 2001 that doesn’t have Audrey Tautou in the credits? I doubt it–thus making my report totally credible.

    @ Kevin: Nice reference. How many people are having orgasms right now?

    @ Stona: Bagel’s right. It’s a great movie.

    @ Key: Another CILF?

    @ CEO: C’est trés horrible, non?

    Soylent Ape

    December 14, 2007 at 9:00 pm

  36. yes, ape, another cilf.

    keywork.

    December 14, 2007 at 9:21 pm

  37. shhhh….the internets are sleeping

    bagel of everything

    December 15, 2007 at 2:21 pm

  38. They’re hung over

    micky2

    December 15, 2007 at 2:33 pm

  39. …or fornicating.
    Shame on you all!

    bagel of everything

    December 15, 2007 at 2:43 pm

  40. Fornicating while hung over is a bad idea. Girls gag.

    micky2

    December 15, 2007 at 3:50 pm

  41. I’m not touching that

    bagel of everything

    December 15, 2007 at 7:19 pm

  42. bagel of everything said, on December 14th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
    Well, not in a *hands* on way…

    hehehehehe

    micky2

    December 15, 2007 at 10:42 pm

  43. Can you imagine if the German government passed a law saying Franka Potente had to be in every German film production. Oh, wait–they already have! (Lie)
    It sometimes seems that way, though…

    Soylent Ape

    December 16, 2007 at 1:14 am

  44. It is true, Mr. Soylent Ape. No law specific law exists that compels me to act in every German made film. However, if you would take the time to fully read the constitution of the Federal Republic of Germany, you will find that such a thing is implied by the spirit of the rights guaranteed within. The law mentions humans, but not to those known as “tarts”… I work around the clock in an effort to avoid the expensive legal cost of fighting the German movie cartel in the German courts for my freedom to be oddly hot in a slightly manish and slutty kind of way.

    If this message made it to you through the many filters set up to keep me from communicating outside the movie set, I would like to take this time to thank you for being a fan and ask that you to PLEASE HELP ME GET OUT OF HERE!
    Or in the very least, please send me some non-florescent hair dye, they don’t seem to have any here.

    Cheers,
    Franka Potente

    Franka Potente

    December 16, 2007 at 6:35 pm

  45. @ Lola: Vielen Dank für die Nachricht! Ich hoffe dass, Sie sind okay. While I am also slightly mannish and slutty, I don’t know how much help I can be to you. I’m no match for the gazillionaires that finance the German film industry. Perhaps you could run away over and over again, learning from your mistakes each time. Maybe you could get your boyfriend–that Bourne guy–to rescue you with his CIA training and bad acting.

    As a German girl, fluorescent hair dye is your birthright: Why not accept it?

    If you ever see Moritz Bleibtreu at your studio/prison, please tell him Bagel says “Hallo”.

    Mit freundlich Gruße,
    Soylent Ape

    Soylent Ape

    December 17, 2007 at 7:33 am

  46. BTW, Franka: “Oddly hot” is a bit of an understatement, ja? Remember the original Anatomy movie? Sehr Nett!

    Soylent Affe

    December 28, 2007 at 1:07 am

  47. Franka: Hey, can I get Moritz’s digits off you?

    The Bagel of Everything

    February 12, 2008 at 10:21 am

  48. Moritz Bleibtreu=prolific German actor; played “Manni” in Run, Lola, Run.

    Soylent Ape

    February 12, 2008 at 10:53 am


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