Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Chocolate is Evil, and so is Canada

with 18 comments

mmmoneyCanadian divisions of Nestle, Cadbury, and Hershey have been accused of price fixing. Apparently that means anti-competitive collusion, and not simply repairing a co-dependant economy. According to Go Ogle, this is news. Not to me — I hate chocolate, and I’ve never been to Canada.

I don’t think they’ve done anything wrong. America was associating candy with pretend money back when Canadians were still worshipping that queen person. What’s a holiday without chocolate coins? Not a proper Jewish one, that’s certain. It’s extra confusing for Canadians, what with their pastel money covered in birdies and  pictures of a scary old lady who’s only once set her freakishly-oversized feet on their barren, frozen soil.

“I can confirm that the competition bureau has started an investigation of virtually all major chocolate producers in Canada, I can confirm that we are fully cooperating with the authorities. You will appreciate that I cannot comment on an ongoing investigation.” – A pretentiously named Nestle spokesman. Thanks for clearing that up, Singe d’Reddition.

C’mon kids. So long as you avoid eating things that look, taste, and smell like feces, you’re safe from the evil Canadian plots.

Further info: News & ObserverThe Canadian Press

Related posts: No Masturbating in Manitoba – Bizarre Foreign Commercials, Vol. 2 
Strange Brew – Brother Can You Spare a Loonie – You Can’t Handle the Tooth


Written by The Bagel of Everything

November 29, 2007 at 12:35 am

18 Responses

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  1. I like chocolate coins. They remind me of being little.


    November 29, 2007 at 12:50 am

  2. Did you eat your poop when you were little?
    Seriously, how do people eat that stuff? It smells so bad!

    bagel of everything

    November 29, 2007 at 12:51 am

  3. No, but I have been told that I made art with it once. But that was last week.


    November 29, 2007 at 12:52 am

  4. Apparently, sleep is evil as well.


    November 29, 2007 at 12:53 am

  5. @ Bagel: If you think of a Hershey bar as chocolate, you have a very poor reference. They’re loaded with sugar and have very little cacao. Plus, they have a lot of emulsifiers, preservatives, etc… Try a Lindt, or Aldi store brand. That’s more along the lines of traditional milk chocolate.

    Soylent Ape

    November 29, 2007 at 7:03 am

  6. Sleep is for the weak, KW.

    Soy: I do kinda like those Aldi bars.

    bagel of everything

    November 29, 2007 at 5:40 pm

  7. this post made no sense to me what so ever! but what else is new…
    I love chocolate…and salt…someone needs to make that a reality for me….

    Stona Lisa

    November 29, 2007 at 7:40 pm

  8. Stona: There’s a candy similar to peanut mnm’s but a little bit salty. I forget what they’re called, and the googles have failed me. Anyone know?

    bagel of everything

    November 29, 2007 at 8:52 pm

  9. hmmm…i cant think of anything similar to MnM’s, but a take 5 is pretty good…minus all that crappy caramel…fuck it-i’ll just eat Flips….

    Stona Lisa

    November 29, 2007 at 9:22 pm

  10. Chocolate is overrated. So is Canada.

    That’s all I have to say on the matter.


    November 30, 2007 at 4:07 am

  11. OK
    a- that picture take away my desires for chocolate frozen yogurt FOREVER.
    b- I don’t understand the problem, but I think that the fact that there is a thorough investigation is fabulous.


    November 30, 2007 at 11:11 am

  12. Stona: They exist. Or I read it in a book. Or dreamed it. I’m not sure. I like payday bars, but mostly I eat fruity candy. Airheads FTW!

    Cody: Granted, but that’s not hyperbolicious.

    Kristiane: a- That’s how it’s made. Honest. It comes out cold, cuz, well, it’s cold in Canada. It’s science. Don’t question science. b- yeah, I didn’t exactly do a thorough job at splaining. Mostly the whole post was an excuse to let everyone know I hate chocolate — with the holidays coming, ppl should know what not to get me.

    bagel of everything

    November 30, 2007 at 8:05 pm

  13. The “problem” is that price-fixing supposedly defeats the purpose of a free market. An alliance of companies forces out any competition. The thing is, a real free market will fix itself. I don’t know how (I only took one political science class and did horribly in it), but it will.

    And that…is about all you’ll hear from me on the economics of chocolate.


    December 3, 2007 at 5:30 am

  14. Cody: There is no real free market, and there cannot ever be. Collusion will occur whenever people and corps. think they can get away with it, and it will continue so long as it is unchecked and beneficial to both parties. (I think — I, like you, majored in the real sciences, so WTF do I know?)

    I’d like to live in a world where it could happen, but then I’d also like to live in a viable anarchy and ride a rainbow unicorn to the eat-all-the-toasted-almonds-you-want-for-free store.

    Also, I wish I didn’t have PMS. Will someone please punch me really, really hard in the lower abdomen so the pain will stop?

    A final note: I ate chocolate last night and it was good. Buttered popcorn, crunched up graham crackers, mini marshmallows, and milk chocolate chips, tossed together in a ziplock. I call it smorecorn.

    bagel of everything

    December 3, 2007 at 6:31 am

  15. A similar probe is underway in the United States, now.

    Soylent ape

    January 2, 2008 at 7:21 am

  16. My biggest respect to the Canadian women who love chocolate and… Real Life Superheroes. And I’m serious now.

    I inject justice.


    January 2, 2008 at 10:27 am

  17. […] posts: No Masturbating in Manitoba – Chocolate is Evil, and so is Canada – Bizarre Canadian Commercials  Strange Brew – Brother Can You Spare a Loonie – You Can’t […]

  18. Entomo! Where are you? We miss you, damnit!

    The Bagel of Everything

    January 31, 2008 at 7:44 pm

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