Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Welcome to the Neighborhood

with 18 comments

 Before we get into Soy’s post, go vote for our good friend Laurie Kendrick at weblogawards.  There is no signup, just a click and you’re done. -bagel

I wrote this a few months before I joined Ration Reality. The events happenned on a warm, spring day, rather than a chilly autumn one. I hope you enjoy this little slice of my existence.

Though I’m in my third decade on this earth, I basically live the same way that I did in college. I don’t say this as a point of pride–more like a resignation to the fact that my home is pretty messy, I tend to eat my meals off of napkins with plastic utensils hijacked from fast food eateries and view sleep as an enemy, using all available resources to cheat it. Last night, when any normal person would have been slumbering, I was up chatting with a good friend, playing my bass guitar, annoying my wife, grooming my cat and laughing my ass off to some obscure British television program — largely at the same time! Do I realize that it’s abnormal? Of course. “Abnormal” pretty much describes my life as a whole, I suppose.

To complicate things (so to speak), I’ve lived in a big, beige suburban “planned community” for about 6 years now. When I got married, my wife moved here with me. For the sake of my family’s privacy, I won’t reveal the pretentious name of my subdivision. Instead, I will substitute my own, more appropriate name. How about “Aryan Acres” or “Flight Path Estates”? Whatever the name, one need only look at the big, honkin’ SUVs and shiny German sedans parked in front of the townhomes here to see that my neighbors are living the suburban lifestyle to which they aspire. To their great credit, they’ve put up with our 10 year-old, cosmetically-challenged vehicles, loudmouthed (if loveable) mutt of a dog and overall bohemian lifestyle. These days, most neighbors don’t even give a second glance when they see me sporting a dog chain collar and green hair while wheeling out a massive guitar cabinet to my truck. As long as I don’t actually play through that cabinet in my home, they don’t mind. God bless them.

Well, for one new arrival, the welcome to our cozy suburban existence was a bit more jarring than my own. As the sun was coming up this morning, my equally sleep-challenged soulmate suggested I go out for some breakfast from a local establishment. Feeling a bit groggy from my overnight activities, I popped a green tea diet tablet and chased it with a can of cheap Thai iced coffee and walked out the door. Driving down my street, I noticed a middle-aged woman I didn’t recognize get out of her car and approach me with a flagging motion. My well-worn Isuzu was dirty outside and strewn with CDs, newspapers and items from work inside. (I have 3 offices: one at work, one at home, and one in my driveway.) I hadn’t thought to shave or comb my hair, which was a bit matted from laying on the couch earlier. Mock-fascist industrial group Hanzel und Gretyl‘s “Third Reich from the Sun” was playing in my stereo and I turned it down just after the “Dass ist mein Reich, Dass ist Mein Blut…” part. I could see her expression of concern become more prominent with each step.

I asked if she needed help. She responded that she was just moving into the subdivision today and didn’t know anyone here. She said that she had noticed a man laying motionless on the ground by the entrance to the community and that she was afraid to check on him, being by herself. I said I didn’t blame her She didn’t want to call the police for a false alarm and asked if I would go and check to see if he needed help. I obliged, but by the time I turned the corner by our community welcome sign, I saw that some other shocked suburbanite had decided to risk wasting the police’s time. Two units had responded and the guy was casually talking to the police at the side of the road.

I’m still curious about the situation. Did the guy have some type of seizure? Did he come out to watch the sunrise and fall asleep on the embankment? Did he have a bit too much fun last night and decide that the side of a busy street was as good of a place to crash as any? Whatever happened, I knew it wasn’t my business anymore and left it in the capable hands of our town’s constabulary.

I stopped, turned around and went back to Flight Path Estates, where I told my new neighbor that the cops were there and that our mystery man looked like he was okay. At most, a new neighbor might expect to get a fruit basket and a visit from the home owners’ association chairman. I knew my poor new neighbor had gotten something a bit more akin to a kick in the temple from the home owners’ association chairman. Instantly understanding i needed to do some psychic damage control, I smiled as wide as I could and said “I live just down the street. If I can help with anything else, just let me know.” She smiled…very cautiously.

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Written by Soylent Ape

November 2, 2007 at 11:37 am

18 Responses

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  1. Hmmm. I got to admit I’m disappointed by this story’s happy ending. I was hoping the sleeping guy was a dead male prostitute hastily dropped off by the HOA president or something and then framing you for the body dumping. Or that the new gal was running a brothel and gave you a free lay for your checking on the guy (now THAT would have been a happy ending!).

    SEO Hack

    November 2, 2007 at 3:36 pm

  2. Had I written the post it would have ended exactly that way, SEO. It would seem Soy hasn’t really grasped our motto when it comes to his true-stories.

    bagel of everything

    November 2, 2007 at 3:43 pm

  3. Exactly. Lie until someone tells you to stop.


    November 2, 2007 at 4:32 pm

  4. Ok I think I voted. I clicked on her link – listed among the other contenders – and it led me to her page. Does this mean I voted?

    No, I wasn’t one of those Floridians who screwed up at the polls…


    November 3, 2007 at 7:23 am

  5. The middled aged lady is the ghost of Soylent’s future. The crucial detail missing from this story.


    November 3, 2007 at 7:25 am

  6. @ SEO: What I didn’t get around to saying was that the semi-conscious man was an intergalactic male prostitute that was trying to escape his space-pimp and was adjusting to our atmosphere. He spread a virulent alien STD all over the Southeast before his intergalactic mack laid his goon hand down on him somewhere around Jacksonville. Then G. G. Allin came back to life and gave a concert at the muiti-purpose center and then there was the Colombian cocaine syndicate that was handing out “neckties” all over the neighborhood, but that’s a story for another time. Oh, and that lady–I never saw her again! (O-o-o-o-o-h, scary!)

    Soylent Ape

    November 4, 2007 at 9:40 am

  7. I think that humor blog vote has been hijacked by a feud between DUmmie FUnnies and Sadly, No! who seem to be going at it like nothing else. Left meets right in an epic battle…and neither seem to be funny at all. Laurie is getting ripped off.


    November 5, 2007 at 2:53 am

  8. Sux for Laurie. Of the finalists, hers was the only one that was funny. (At least, consistently so.)

    Soylent Ape

    November 5, 2007 at 6:16 am

  9. I didn’t bother reading the other finalists. I have brand loyalty.


    November 5, 2007 at 8:22 am

  10. Cody, Stiletto: It seems we can vote more than once. Every 24 hours! I can believe that she’s losing — she’s too nice.
    These “awards” are no more than popularity and whoring contests. Laurie prolly didn’t even vote for herself.

    bagel of everything

    November 6, 2007 at 12:49 am

  11. Yep, one vote per person per 24 hour period.


    November 6, 2007 at 12:54 am

  12. I said I have brand loyalty, but I didn’t say I’m not lazy…


    November 6, 2007 at 8:31 am

  13. Oh, why did I just think of this? I should pimp out votes from my site.


    November 6, 2007 at 10:18 pm

  14. Thanks Stiletto! I’d like to see Laurie finish well.

    bagel of everything

    November 6, 2007 at 10:44 pm

  15. I see what happened now, hence my earlier question. I went to vote using my MAC and the vote portion didn’t pop up. No wonder I was sitting there going, DUH! Clicking links like crazy like a chicken with my head cut off…

    However, works fine on my PC.


    November 7, 2007 at 9:08 am

  16. MACs suck, Stil.

    Proprietary hardware holds itself back, by definition.

    The Bagel of Everything

    February 22, 2008 at 7:53 pm

  17. […] posts: Move Ziggy’s for Great Justice – Welcome to the Neighborhood « The Pop-Up […]

  18. […] posts: Welcome to the Neighborhood – How to be White Trash « Fernando Botero, Painter […]

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