Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

You Can’t Handle the Tooth

with 54 comments

“Sport is a representation of the higher man”, said some notable British person. I know he was British, since he used the singular form of the noun “sport”, instead of the correct plural “sports”. Then, he could have been Australian. Canadians, though sometimes laughably British when they do things like spell “neighbor” with an “our”, still realize that there is more than one sport and, therefore, say “sports” in general reference. Of course, in Canada, there’s only one sport to speak of (hockey), so they would be justified in saying “sport”. Maybe Canadians aren’t that smart, after all. But, I digress…

Now, where was I? Oh, yeah: sport as metaphor for the best of mankind, or some drivel like that. If that’s the case, mankind ain’t doin’ too well. How do sports figures fighting dogs, choking coaches or betting on games you officiate reflect on mankind’s inherent nobility?

Well, as a former (with emphasis on former) athlete, I can say that there is something to be said for pushing oneself to the very limit of one’s endurance and then going just a little further. It’s true that when an athlete is in that “zone”, interferences like pain, noise and fatigue just disappear. It can be a profound thing. Professional rugby player Ben Czislowski understands this phenomenon better than most people ever will.

Czislowski, a 24 year-old former prop-forward for the Brisbane (Australia) Broncos was playing in a match for a Wynnum Club on April 1, 2007. During this match, he was involved in a violent playing field collision With Tweed Heads rugby club forward Matt Austin, which cost Austin some teeth. Shortly after the Match, Czislowski developed ripping headaches and chronic lethargy. This went on for more than 3 months, with doctors and trainers trying to get Ben back in action. Recent events, however, yielded a potential cause for the footballer’s chronic condition: one of Austin’s teeth was embedded in Czislowski’s left optical socket, causing an eye infection (yesh!). If left untreated, the tooth could have cost him his vision and, possibly, his life.

“I can laugh about it now, but the doctor told me it could have been serious,
with teeth carrying germs,” recounts Czislowski.

The tooth was extricated with no complications, and currently resides at Czislowski’s bedside. “If (Austin) wants it back he can have it. I’m keeping it at the moment as proof that it actually happened.”

As exceptional as this incident may sound, this sort of problem actually occurs with alarming frequency. In 2004, Australian Rugby League Hooker Shane Millard had a tooth embedded in and removed from his skull. In 2002, English League wing Jamie Ainscough’s arm became so horribly infected that it was nearly amputated…before a tooth from St. Helens’ centre Martin Gleeson’s head was found buried in it.

Sources: Fox News OnlineInternational Herald Tribune

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Written by Soylent Ape

September 20, 2007 at 9:16 am

54 Responses

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  1. Fuck rugby. There is nothing exciting to me about another man’s tooth jammed into my eye socket.

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 10:13 am

  2. I thought rubgy players ate their dead, not killed them like komodo dragons do to their prey.

    Frontier Former Editor

    September 20, 2007 at 10:18 am

  3. FFE: Can’t it be both?

    bagel of everything

    September 20, 2007 at 10:25 am

  4. It should be.

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 10:25 am

  5. I have gay friends who like the homo erotic nature of rugby. Come to think of it, they DO huddle longer than they should.

    I don’t know from soccer, either.You youngins were born and raised with it.

    When I was growing up, I’d catch an occasional glimpse of a match from Mexico when Telemundo would come in loud and clear on UHF.

    Male figure skating. Now THAT’S a sport. Watching those guys doing a triple axle or a sit spin…and just imagining what they were sitting on and spinning on the night before, just sends me…

    lauriekendrick

    September 20, 2007 at 11:36 am

  6. “and just imagining what they were sitting on and spinning on the night before, just sends me”

    I must take after you, mommy. Homoerotica is the best erotica. The more penises in a relationship, the better, I say. So long as I can watch (for the low low price of $19.99)

    bagel of everything

    September 20, 2007 at 11:38 am

  7. Sabado Gigante?

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 11:40 am

  8. @Bagel: if you live near the Montrose area in Houston, the fee is waved.

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 11:41 am

  9. I raised you right, didn’t I my daughter.

    However, I merely wanted you to tolerate our gay bretheren and sisteren…not salivate from your snooky wink at the video surveillence of the gay “inflagrante dilecto”. But whatever gets you through the night my child…

    Whatever gets you through the night.

    lauriekendrick

    September 20, 2007 at 12:23 pm

  10. Hey Key,

    Montrose isn’t the gay bastion it used to be. AIDS and property values have decimated it. Most have moved to the suburbs..Sugarland to be exact.

    Montrose has been taken over my Yuppies and artists and sometimes,the dreaded Yuppie Artists. They’ve torn down all those great, cool, personality laden pre-WW2 built cottages and put up these bastardized versions of 3-story NYC style brownstones.

    Oh, the Gay bars are still in and around The ‘Trose, but you never see a gaggle of queens walking down the street at 6 pm. anymore either.

    Just homeless kids, psychopaths talking to curbs and the Mercedes S class driving Yuppie fuck.

    Sad. I used to live there in the height of the Gay 80’s. Great place back then.

    lauriekendrick

    September 20, 2007 at 12:35 pm

  11. Yeah, I worked for the Sierra Club when I was 17 and remember going door to door in that area. Lots of pierced nipples and indecent proposals. This was the beginning of the Mercedes Era, I believe.

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 12:41 pm

  12. Won’t Soy be pleased that his manly football article has turned into …whatever this is!
    :)

    bagel of everything

    September 20, 2007 at 12:52 pm

  13. I’ve noticed that gay sex is a recurring theme on this site.

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 1:06 pm

  14. Yes, yes it is.
    I’ve noticed you’re a recurring visitor to this site.
    Calling Socrates! Come in Socrates!

    bagel of everything

    September 20, 2007 at 1:07 pm

  15. Yeah, always on point. And I assume you aren’t speaking of my infatuation with hemlock recipes.

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 1:12 pm

  16. ‘Crito, we owe a cock to Asclepius. Please, don’t forget to pay the debt’
    Dirty old man. Always fucking something. Hey, Socrates, deities don’t cruise for ass.

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 1:18 pm

  17. Hah. My first encounter with rugby was as a wee one in the 1960s when my dad was stationed in England. The local RAF station and Fleet Air Arm station would hold regular semi-annual matches. Each side brought at least six ambulances.

    Enough for you?

    Frontier Former Editor

    September 20, 2007 at 1:47 pm

  18. Raccoons don’t rugby.

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 1:56 pm

  19. Yeah, I fucked a racoon…

    lauriekendrick

    September 20, 2007 at 1:59 pm

  20. And you never called the next morning. I knew you were going to brag about this.

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 2:03 pm

  21. It’s because you wore a mask and kept washing your hands and things in this obsessive compulsive frenzy. I was frightened. I left you some nuts and berries on the bedside stump. Don’t be mad. It was good for me.

    Really.

    lauriekendrick

    September 20, 2007 at 2:07 pm

  22. KW, you did my mom?
    Are you my daddy?
    Cuz, uh…my student loans ain’t payin themselves.

    bagel of everything

    September 20, 2007 at 2:10 pm

  23. Yes Bagel. It’s time you found out….it’s true.. you’re half KeyCoon.

    I’m here if you need me. Those rings around your ass now make sense don’t they?

    lauriekendrick

    September 20, 2007 at 2:12 pm

  24. So I can stop applying the ringworm ointment now?

    Um, wait…KW is like my age.
    Mom!! I told you not to mess with my time machine! I can’t have any privacy!!!

    bagel of everything

    September 20, 2007 at 2:21 pm

  25. Sure he’s young honey, but his winky was very long. It got to me before the rest of him did.

    You see, Mommy likes her penises in a prehensile presentation.

    That also helps while shopping.

    lauriekendrick

    September 20, 2007 at 2:29 pm

  26. Very long. And bagel, try finding work as a fucking raccoon. You should thank us for the rings around your ass. Stupid time machine. Call me, Laurie.

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 3:39 pm

  27. @bagel: unless daddy’s little girl likes rummaging through sour garbage, I wouldn’t get any ideas about a father/daughter picnic anytime soon either.

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 3:51 pm

  28. Bagel Honey…I’m glad we finally got this out in the open. Although I’m no longer with your Daddy he’s now living in a nest in some filthy attic with a whorecoon outside Duluth,we still love you very much.

    I have to go now. My love of beastiality is pervasive and enduring and I have a date with one incredibly hung ocelot tonight.

    I’m off to make myself more appealing by dousing myself with antelope anal sack pheromonal secretion.

    Go to bed early and go easy on the mascara.

    Mom

    lauriekendrick

    September 20, 2007 at 4:09 pm

  29. Daddy loves filthy attics and whorecoons. Sorry I missed all of your birthdays, I would probably eat a birthday card before I would ever think of mailing one. Blame nature. Anal Sack Pheromones. Your mother always did have a certain charm about her. I need to wash my hands.

    Keep the dumpster lid open,

    Dad

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 4:19 pm

  30. @lauriekendrick – well, they’re huddling is called a scrum…

    @soylent – dayum. terrific article. i haven’t read a good tooth-in-the-eyeball tale in quite some time. i love how the trainers just wanted to get him ready to go back to the field.

    @everyone else – i’m calling PeTA re: this raccoon fucking. that is just wrong.

    stepher

    September 20, 2007 at 4:59 pm

  31. if you were a raccoon, you’d be all for it.

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 5:03 pm

  32. Thank God, Stepher–knowing that now allows me to FINALLY sleep, lactate, ovulate and eat a decent meal.

    Hear that Keywork? Ovulate…no more single births for me…wanna got for a litter?? My superfluous third nipple may finally come in handy.

    lauriekendrick

    September 20, 2007 at 5:36 pm

  33. Third nipples are always welcome. Check my blog, things are brewing. Also, I will leave you just like I did last time. (raccoon noise)

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 5:42 pm

  34. @ Keywork: Rugby isn’t my favorite sport by a longshot, but I’ll take it over baseball or soccer any day.

    @ Laurie & Bagel: I’m not blind, nor am I dumb. Bugby is one of the most homoerotic sports out there. All the athletic, young males engaged in full-contact play… It’s like the Fire Island Athletic club.

    @ FFE: Great komodo dragon analogy.

    @ Stepher: Thanks. Call me a cynical bastard (it won’t be the first time), but I just don’t
    believe that athletic trainers have the athlete’s best interests in mind.

    Soylent Ape

    September 20, 2007 at 7:17 pm

  35. Laurie’s the Man with the Golden Gun?

    Frontier Former Editor

    September 20, 2007 at 9:10 pm

  36. and I’ll snicker my ass off for days at “Fire Island Athletic Club”

    Frontier Former Editor

    September 20, 2007 at 9:10 pm

  37. I know people who are gay rugby players. I’m convinced its a fetish and they aren’t at all interested in actual rugby.

    Kevin

    September 20, 2007 at 10:12 pm

  38. you guys are a serious trip….im sittin outta this one…ya bunch of fuckin furries!lol

    Stona Lisa

    September 20, 2007 at 10:13 pm

  39. Always at your service, FFE!

    Soylent Ape

    September 20, 2007 at 10:18 pm

  40. can’t ‘bear’ it Stona?

    Frontier Former Editor

    September 20, 2007 at 10:54 pm

  41. @ Kevin: You’re probably right. I have a couple of gay friends that will watch rugby on TV, but won’t watch football or soccer. I think it has something to do with rugby being a full-contact sport that doesn’t use pads and helmets that obstruct the “view”.

    Soylent Ape

    September 21, 2007 at 6:15 am

  42. @stona: who said anything about costumes? I’m a fucking raccoon. Sometimes.
    @Soy: It’s better than being forced to watch a WNBA game for sure.

    keywork

    September 21, 2007 at 8:16 am

  43. @ KW: The only difference between watching a WNBA game and watching paint dry is that watching paint dry will at least get you high as fuck.

    Soylent Ape

    September 21, 2007 at 7:48 pm

  44. […] You Can’t Handle the Tooth […]

  45. @Soy: yeah the WNBA game would just leave you wishing that you had huffed paint.

    keywork

    September 24, 2007 at 8:29 am

  46. “who said anything about costumes? I’m a fucking raccoon. Sometimes.”

    KW: So, when raccoons dress up as people, are they referred to as “skinnies” ?
    Is there “skinsecution”?

    bagel of everything

    September 24, 2007 at 9:34 am

  47. I’m not sure about skinsecution. Everyone just assumes that I am a dwarf. A hairy dwarf. A very handsome hairy dwarf. Sometimes.

    keywork

    September 24, 2007 at 9:40 am

  48. […] You Can’t Handle the Tooth […]

  49. […] You Can’t Handle the Tooth […]

  50. […] funny thing happened in these comments. Our loyal reader Keywork announced to the world that he is, in fact, a raccoon, and he yiffed my […]

  51. […] Related posts: No Masturbating in Manitoba – Bizarre Foreign Commercials, Vol. 2  Strange Brew – Brother Can You Spare a Loonie – You Can’t Handle the Tooth […]

  52. […] Related posts: No Masturbating in Manitoba – Chocolate is Evil, and so is Canada – Bizarre Canadian Commercials  Strange Brew – Brother Can You Spare a Loonie – You Can’t Handle the Tooth […]

  53. I believe it was Gandhi who said, “An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth makes us all blind rugby players”.

    Soylent Ape

    January 20, 2008 at 10:11 pm

  54. […] posts: The Chicago Bulls Logo Conspiracy – You Can’t Handle the Tooth  « Books that Exist: Rejuvenation and Unveiled […]


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