Anorexia: A foolproof anti-aging plan
I awoke this morning looking old.
I’m not one of those 30 year old women who are always saying they look old.
If anything, I complain too often that I look like a child.
Always the thinker, I have a plan:
You see, kids, wrinkles are caused by a loss of sub-derma fat. When we’re young, our collagen rich skin snaps back from rapid changes in body weight. Once we get over 30, our skin rapidly loses its collagen, and our faces get pruny.
So here’s the plan:
While I’m still relatively young, I’m going to stop eating. Get myself down to a weight just this side of a painful death. Then, whenever a wrinkle appears, I’ll eat some fast food, pack on a few pounds, and spackle that wrinkle.
I figure if i drop down to double digits now, I can make it to my 80th birthday wrinkle free, weighing in at my ideal 140 pounds.
Anorexia, or ‘Ana’ as she prefers to be called, is what’s known as a social disease, and therefore hates to be alone. Let’s invite her dear friend Bulimia, known as Mia by those who love her. Mia asks we don’t overlook the wonders of ground glass. Not only is it indigestibly delicious, it will cut tiny channels in your gut for food to leak out. Better festering in your innards than straight to the hips, I say. Before enough festering stomach leakage builds up to affect your dress size, it’ll make its way to the surface as a nice cyst. Aspiration of cysts is my preferred method of purging. Much more socially acceptable than the old barf in a jar technique.
Being a girl, I can’t make a such an important aesthetic choice without consulting at least one of my friends.
Stiletto offered this advice:
Scrap that plan, here’s a better idea – acquire a drug addiction to a filthy cheap street drug which will render you bone thin, save half the money from the dick you suck for, say, crack, then go to a cosmetic surgeon where you’ll spend a pretty penny to get some injectable fillers in your face which will take care of the wrinkles! While expensive, it’ll be worth it because it lasts for about a year which during that time you can continue to suck for a buck and all of your sleazy car cruisin’ johns will express wonder at how your habit is turning back the hands of time. On top of it you’ll be rejuvenating crack’s bad rep – thus making you a legend and a martyr
You can never be too rich or too crack ho thin!
Thanks, girlfriend, but crack is whack. Pro-Ana is way cheaper. It’s a good plan. I’m going with it.
And hey, I can always give blow jobs for laxative money!
I make pretty pictures :)
Whatever you do, don’t go signing Fraca’s anti-anorexia petition.
She means to put an end to all this skeletal glamor. If we don’t shove an unobtainable idea of feminine beauty down our daughters’ throats, they’ll just fill that void with a sense of self-worth and even (gasp) food! The horror!
(Ok, so maybe I signed)