Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Anorexia: A foolproof anti-aging plan

with 66 comments

I awoke this morning looking old.

I’m not one of those 30 year old women who are always saying they look old.
If anything, I complain too often that I look like a child.

But damn!

Always the thinker, I have a plan:

                                 Anorexia!

The butterface of everything

You see, kids, wrinkles are caused by a loss of sub-derma fat. When we’re young, our collagen rich skin snaps back from rapid changes in body weight. Once we get over 30, our skin rapidly loses its collagen, and our faces get pruny.

So here’s the plan:

While I’m still relatively young, I’m going to stop eating. Get myself down to a weight just this side of a painful death. Then, whenever a wrinkle appears, I’ll eat some fast food, pack on a few pounds, and spackle that wrinkle.

I figure if i drop down to double digits now, I can make it to my 80th birthday wrinkle free, weighing in at my ideal 140 pounds.

Anorexia, or ‘Ana’ as she prefers to be called, is what’s known as a social disease, and therefore hates to be alone. Let’s invite her dear friend Bulimia, known as Mia by those who love her. Mia asks we don’t overlook the wonders of ground glass. Not only is it indigestibly delicious, it will cut tiny channels in your gut for food to leak out. Better festering in your innards than straight to the hips, I say. Before enough festering stomach leakage builds up to affect your dress size, it’ll make its way to the surface as a nice cyst. Aspiration of cysts is my preferred method of purging. Much more socially acceptable than the old barf in a jar technique.

With the help of Ana, Mia, The YouTube Diet Plan and some sweet, sweet crack, I might just have a shot. So long as I can steer clear of erotic hunger interventions.

 

thinspiration
thinspiration

Being a girl, I can’t make a such an important aesthetic choice without consulting at least one of my friends.
Stiletto offered this advice:

Dear Bagel,

Scrap that plan, here’s a better idea – acquire a drug addiction to a filthy cheap street drug which will render you bone thin, save half the money from the dick you suck for, say, crack, then go to a cosmetic surgeon where you’ll spend a pretty penny to get some injectable fillers in your face which will take care of the wrinkles! While expensive, it’ll be worth it because it lasts for about a year which during that time you can continue to suck for a buck and all of your sleazy car cruisin’ johns will express wonder at how your habit is turning back the hands of time. On top of it you’ll be rejuvenating crack’s bad rep – thus making you a legend and a martyr

You can never be too rich or too crack ho thin!

Stiletto

Thanks, girlfriend, but crack is whack.  Pro-Ana is way cheaper. It’s a good plan. I’m going with it.
And hey, I can always give blow jobs for laxative money!

Anorexia - Leave a Pretty Corpse

I make pretty pictures :)

Update:

Whatever you do, don’t go signing Fraca’s anti-anorexia petition.
She means to put an end to all this skeletal glamor. If we don’t shove an unobtainable idea of feminine beauty down our daughters’ throats, they’ll just fill that void with a sense of self-worth and even (gasp) food! The horror!
(Ok, so maybe I signed)

Advertisements

Written by The Bagel of Everything

September 17, 2007 at 10:49 am

66 Responses

Subscribe to comments with RSS.

  1. pretty corpses are the best corpses. trimspa, baby. blowjobs for trimspa.

    keywork

    September 17, 2007 at 11:06 am

  2. So you agree, KW? It’s a good plan.

    bagel of everything

    September 17, 2007 at 11:31 am

  3. Rock solid. Trimspa should be cheaper than crack unless you try to smoke it every five minutes. Then you’re just better off with anorexia. It’s the cheapest method. You may never have the energy to walk more than ten steps without passing out, but hey, who is going to leave a skinny girl passed out on a sidewalk?

    keywork

    September 17, 2007 at 11:37 am

  4. About sucking dick for money; semen has calories so you’ll want to figure that into your daily caloric intake – if any.

    Bulimics are the target demo for laxative abuse. If you’re truly Pro-Ana you won’t have to worry about getting rid of food.

    Crack was v. 90s. What you want to use now is Meth.

    If I can be of further assistance, I’ll be in the kitchen, staring at my open fridge, calculating the calories in two dill pickle spears and a teaspoon of mustard.

    stepher

    September 17, 2007 at 12:48 pm

  5. Stepher: Semen contains approx 2 calories per half-ounce. All that headbobbing will surely make it a negative calorie event.

    bagel of everything

    September 17, 2007 at 12:51 pm

  6. well, meth actually defeats the whole smooth-skin concept because of the high-powered DT’s it triggers.

    Stick with crack – it;ll keep your skin smooth and lesion-free.

    Frontier Former Editor

    September 17, 2007 at 1:00 pm

  7. It’s all coming back up anyway. Meth may cause you to start killing small children, so I’d stay away. Meth=Death.

    keywork

    September 17, 2007 at 1:01 pm

  8. More important than the lives of small children, meth=methmouth. EWWWWW

    bagel of everything

    September 17, 2007 at 1:06 pm

  9. gross. meth breath is nasty too.

    keywork

    September 17, 2007 at 1:07 pm

  10. Wanna play a game? Can you pick out the feed-the-children and nazi-death-camp pics from the model ones in the collage above?

    bagel of everything

    September 17, 2007 at 1:19 pm

  11. nice try, those are all nazi death camp pictures.

    keywork

    September 17, 2007 at 1:27 pm

  12. KW: Yeah, it’s nice how the nazis let them keep their designer dresses and relax in a hammock on the beach.

    bagel of everything

    September 17, 2007 at 1:42 pm

  13. hey, those nazis were some quirky bastards.

    keywork

    September 17, 2007 at 1:44 pm

  14. I just lost my lunch.

    arm jerker j

    September 17, 2007 at 2:35 pm

  15. Sounds like someone is implementing Bagel’s plan.

    keywork

    September 17, 2007 at 2:43 pm

  16. I wouldn’t throw away a bag of Crack just b/c it’s a little dated; however, I’ll stick w/Meth. It’s not like you’re going to be happy w/the teeth you have when you get older anyway – you’ll want a set of nice clean white dentures to show off – so keeping your teeth seems overrated.
    Plus, if you lose your teeth soon enough, you may get extra $ from the more ~discriminating customers.~

    Thankfully semen has protein:

    “Typically, a male ejaculates one tablespoon of fluid, which contains about 10% sperm and 90% seminal fluid (comprised of simple sugars, protein, and small amounts of vitamins, minerals and hormones). The amount of protein found in seminal fluid is very small, and estimated at only about 6mg. Your standard three-ounce pork chop has about 24g….”

    http://www.barnard.edu/wwoman/qanda/protect/protein.html

    While you’re seeing the dentist and the plastic surgeon, you can always have some facial dermabrasion done to take care of those pesky skin lesions.

    Oh, I totally forgot about Heroin. That’s also an oldie-but-a-goodie.

    @keywork: Nothing is more important than killing small children. Nothing.

    stepher

    September 17, 2007 at 3:54 pm

  17. @stepher: Orgasms. Same amount of work, a little less clean up and if you fuck up, you won’t always end up in jail. I know, typical male.

    keywork

    September 17, 2007 at 4:19 pm

  18. Gum jobs are in demand, Bagel, so forget about those teeth. Focus on the skin.

    Don’t listen to any of these guys. Have they ever really smoked a bowl of crack or gotten or their hands and knees and lit a Bic, hoping that piece of lint is really a fallen crack rock? Have they ever tweaked on meth and channeled the spirit of lesioned legend Freddie Mercury?

    Well, I have, so damn them all! I lost more weight on crack than crank.

    ‘Nuff said!

    Stiletto

    September 17, 2007 at 4:20 pm

  19. Have they ever swallowed a black dealer’s jizz for a piece of rock? Well, I have damn it!

    Haha – just kidding about that – he was my boyfriend, damn it!

    Stiletto

    September 17, 2007 at 4:23 pm

  20. BTW, you look so cute in that picture…sort of reminds me of Holly Hunter…but I’d grow the bangs out!

    http://www.myclassiclyrics.com/artist_biographies/Holly_Hunter_Biography.htm

    Scroll down!

    Stiletto

    September 17, 2007 at 4:28 pm

  21. Stil: My old chevy had a bench seat that usually deposited lost rocks into a little plastic tray on the floor board. Unfortunately, the seat dispensed a number of smokeless items which usually caused migraines. My coworkers always called my truck a ‘recreational’ vehicle because of it’s questionable reputation. Crank always made me angry.

    keywork

    September 17, 2007 at 4:31 pm

  22. KW & Stepher: Lemme know when ya’ll work somethin out.

    Stiletto: Thanks, I think. The choppy bangs ain’t goin nowhere, so long as I have a smooth, youthful forehead.

    bagel of everything

    September 17, 2007 at 4:49 pm

  23. @keywork:

    Oh sure, you can have orgasms all day long but is that going to put food on your table? Just b/c you may not be eating doesn’t mean everyone else in the fam has to hop on the Pro-Ana bandwagon.

    If you kill small children and prepare them properly [the importance of proper preparation cannot be overstressed] they can be not only delicious but nutritious, plus there’s little, if any, evidence left so prison is not a foregone conclusion.

    —-

    Aside from the obvious frivolities – the number of Pro-Ana sites and their content is seriously frightening. The pics bagel posted are just the tip of the iceberg; there are some seriously fucked-up websites run by people determined to weigh 68 pounds by any means necessary. Scary stuff.

    stepher

    September 17, 2007 at 5:21 pm

  24. stepher: if I’m having orgasms all day, I probably don’t give a shit what the fam is eating. Just let me convulse to death, the insurance policy should cover dinner at Denny’s.

    keywork

    September 17, 2007 at 5:36 pm

  25. also, a brief continuation, just for you, stepher. comma.
    http://kywork.blogspot.com/2007/09/great-commission-killing-small-children.html

    keywork

    September 17, 2007 at 5:44 pm

  26. Personally, I prefer the tag team malady of bulimarexia.

    That shit is having your cake and heaving it, too!

    The things we do to be fucking thin! Tragic.

    I’m depressed. Gimme some pills. I’ll take them then throw ’em up.

    Laurie Kendrick

    September 17, 2007 at 5:53 pm

  27. Thanks, Laurie, I was starting to feel cold and alone. Not hungry, not hungry at all.

    keywork

    September 17, 2007 at 5:56 pm

  28. You’re welcome Key…I aim to please.

    Laurie Kendrick

    September 17, 2007 at 6:25 pm

  29. I’m with KW on this. More goddam orgasms and fewer freakin’ pro-serious-mental-dysfunction sites.

    If we could sidetrack more teens (and here I am thinking girls particularly) into obsessing about having frequent orgasms instead of obsessing about their weights, the world would be a much healthier, happier place.

    Metro

    September 17, 2007 at 6:34 pm

  30. Metro: Product tampering. Put some testosterone on the tampons.
    Choose the low-flow plugs. Only teens really use those.

    bagel of everything

    September 17, 2007 at 6:50 pm

  31. You know, Bagel, if you really wanted to drop those pounds, I have another dimension to consider: In addition to anorexia and an amphetamine of your choice, you should consider getting a tapeworm. That’s like a starvation trifecta–that’s what you call going the extra mile!

    (If you choose to do crank, though, I’d advise against it, ‘cuz a tweaker tapeworm is never a good thing. Ever see the movie Alien? You get the idea…)

    Soylent Ape

    September 17, 2007 at 7:26 pm

  32. I’ll one up the damn Ape –

    Just get your colon removed. That’ll teach you!

    Stiletto

    September 17, 2007 at 7:31 pm

  33. If it were pounds I was worried about, I’d just have a limb or 2 amputated.
    Wrinkles, damnit. I’m going to have them soon!

    bagel of everything

    September 17, 2007 at 8:36 pm

  34. No you’re not. Stay out of the sun and wear 30 spf block and don’t squint!

    I went to a Medi Spa and took some sort of advanced skin test…they said my skin was 99% better than women my age! I believe them cuz wouldn’t they want to lie to sell me a bunch of products? I mean, they try to anyway but that ain’t the point….

    And I’ve been through men, women, wine, song, drugs, child abuse, heavy metal, an ex-husband and two dogs, and slapping oil on my face in South Beach to get the quickest fix…if I can have 99% better than other women then you have a hell of a shot!

    Stiletto

    September 17, 2007 at 8:41 pm

  35. I spent too much of my early years among the orange people. I used to keep my mommy company while she was fake baking, and would often get to have a few minutes of tan time while she got dressed. The habit continuted well into my college years. I now only go about 3 times a year (only as treatment for the winter blues), but the damage is done.

    Honest tho, part of me welcomes a few wrinkles. I hate getting carded.

    bagel of everything

    September 17, 2007 at 8:49 pm

  36. I love your wit.

    I really don’t approve of that youtube diet (oh my gad) any more than that stupid cabbage soup diet, but… I do have a petition about anorexia that anyone can sign.

    Now excuse me but I need to go wash all the spoons in my cutlery drawer, just in case.

    fracas

    September 17, 2007 at 9:13 pm

  37. Thanks for the kind words. I love when people get it.

    Signed, Fracas. And I updated to add your link to the post. Thanks for letting me know about it. Keep up the good work.

    PS: Are you a she or a he? I refered to you as a he in the post, because I’m a bad bad assumptive person. :)

    bagel of everything

    September 17, 2007 at 9:30 pm

  38. I’ve added your link to the petioners list. Thanks!

    I’m a sexy bra/shoe loving she. I do have a post called Manly Fracas though, since I’m a she who knows how to do lots of manly type things.

    I know what you mean about when people get it. There’s been a few times I’ve written something and had to just chuckle when people just didn’t get it. I do amuse myself though, so that’s always a plus.

    fracas

    September 17, 2007 at 9:39 pm

  39. i don’t get it. Must be a chick thing

    hi bagel

    criminyjicket

    September 17, 2007 at 9:57 pm

  40. @bagel: The Arby’s diet is worth looking into. You have to eat nothing but Arby’s for two weeks straight. Trust me, after day two, you’ll never want to eat again. To speed up the process, try spending an entire day inside an Arby’s. Costs a little more than meth/crack, but it’s a little more respectable.

    keywork

    September 18, 2007 at 8:35 am

  41. Fracas: Fixed!
    CJ: Nope, it’s a smart ppl thing. Same diff really.
    KW: I’ll take you up on that! They have a reuben now.

    bagel of everything

    September 18, 2007 at 1:12 pm

  42. oh, sauerkraut, you belong at Arby’s. Right next to your nasty friend, Horsey Sauce.

    keywork

    September 18, 2007 at 1:15 pm

  43. If you eat the regular sauerkraut and not the Bavarian style, you can have an entire can for 20 calories. The Bavarian style has sugar so the calories are higher.

    [Can you tell I’ve had an eating disorder for many years now?]

    stepher

    September 19, 2007 at 11:43 am

  44. you don’t have to eat any of it.

    keywork

    September 19, 2007 at 11:50 am

  45. Pickle brine is as delicious as it is non-nutritious.

    bagel of everything

    September 19, 2007 at 7:28 pm

  46. I love sauerkraut. Mmmm.

    Stiletto

    September 19, 2007 at 7:43 pm

  47. keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 9:20 am

  48. Oh! Purging without all that time-consuming binging! Brilliant!

    bagel of everything

    September 20, 2007 at 9:59 am

  49. Hooray Purging!

    keywork

    September 20, 2007 at 10:07 am

  50. What fun is it to purge without the binge? It’s like getting it up the ass without so much a reach around.

    Stiletto

    September 20, 2007 at 9:36 pm

  51. Hot analogies are hot

    bagel of everything

    September 20, 2007 at 11:02 pm

  52. Anorexia = death.

    Cristina

    September 21, 2007 at 12:05 am

  53. Yes, Cristina. But not directly.
    See, the timeline is more like this:

    Stupidity->anorexia->ugly->death

    Have you signed the petition?
    http://fracas.wordpress.com/thinspiration-petition/

    bagel of everything

    September 21, 2007 at 12:21 am

  54. i’ll sign the petition for blowjobs. i’ll even fuck your bony rib cage.
    love, ron

    hedgehog

    September 21, 2007 at 9:02 pm

  55. […] Related posts: Butt sex hurts lady bloggers – Confessions of a pizza delivery girl – Anorexia: A foolproof anti-aging plan […]

  56. […] posts: Anorexia: A foolproof anti-aging plan – The YouTube Diet Plan – Hail Seitan! « 25cents: a […]

  57. […] You got your sports movie in my romantic comedy! With demographics, much like hot underage anorexic tits, less is more. Features: butterface sex, cloying dialog, and educated black […]

  58. i’m anorexic

    Toxic

    April 17, 2008 at 2:29 pm

  59. Really? Can I see?

    The Bagel of Everything

    April 17, 2008 at 4:36 pm

  60. Anorexics are people, too. People who starve themselves.

    Soylent Ape

    April 17, 2008 at 7:30 pm

  61. Of course you can’t see. She’s reached her goal.

    Stiletto

    April 18, 2008 at 10:23 am

  62. Oh snap!

    The Bagel of Everything

    April 18, 2008 at 10:28 am

  63. Fantastic content:) I will want a decent amount of time to ponder the story.

    getting rid of laugh lines

    February 12, 2010 at 3:10 am

  64. What the Hell!! Some of you talking about taking crack and meth…You know what your problems are? Yourself….Stop think of what others think… gain weight and have fun… Do you want to waist your life on drugs and not eating… I know it’s more than that.. But If you start to love your self and forget everyone else you will be better off. Don’t go out if that really bothers you… It pissed me off when I come to do research to see if my sister is and I see all this crap about crack and Meth…This is pretty Fked Up!!!

    jo

    April 11, 2010 at 1:33 pm

  65. @Jo: I agree with you–and the author of this post agrees with you. This site is dedicated to satire. My wife doesn’t do crack or meth to get thin, she does it to get high as fuck! (See, that’s an example of saying something that isn’t true for the sake of a laugh.) I’m all for loving oneself no matter what size or shape one is. This post was meant to be very absurd and also to get a point across sarcastically.

    Soylent Ape

    April 15, 2010 at 10:06 pm

  66. Usually I can’t go through submit on blogs and forums, having said that i want to express that this write-up really pressured us to try and do them! Your current publishing taste is astonished us. Thanks, very good document.

    חברת ניקיון

    November 20, 2013 at 2:55 am


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: