Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

BREAKING NEWS: Michael Vick involved in Iran / Al Qaeda Conspiracy, alleges lawsuit

with 41 comments

.


A lawsuit was filed in US District Court in Richmond, Virginia on 23 July, 2007, alleging that Michael Vick‘s dogfighting activities are in fact being used to fund purchases of missile systems from Iran, because of an Al Qaeda connection which Vick made in February of this year.

Sounds too good to be true? Couldn’t possibly have happened? Made up?

Nope. This is for real. I did not make this up. Yes, Ration Reality is a humor site … but this is an actual genuine news story.

Here’s the actual court filing. No shit. It’s handwritten.

riches_jonathan_file.pdf

 

The guy had relatively good handwriting, but it’s still pretty hard to read in places. I’ll transcribe it for you here. Please believe me, the grammar, spelling, word choice, capitalization, etc., are all the original.

 

Also, I think the poor guy might be lonely in prison. How would all y’all like to start a letter writing campaign? His address is at the bottom of his court filing.

 

IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT

EASTERN DISTRICT OF VIRGINIA

RICHMOND DIVISION

 

CIVIL ACTION NO 3:07CV434 (ed: I think that’s the correct number)

 

Jonathan Lee Riches (c), PLAINTIFF

vs.

Michael VICK, DEFENDANT

 

COMPLAINT

“THEFT AND ABUSE OF MY ANIMALS”

“TRO TEMPORARY [sic] RESTRAINING ORDER”

(ed: I think he meant ‘pro tempore’)

 

This suit is a Bivens action, and Civil Rights violation by The Constitution a Laws of the United States; and Federal Tort claims inflicted by that include, but not limited to: Injury to wildlife, conspiracy, illegal dog fighting, extortion, Racketeering, gambling, copyright infringement, Identity theft, fraud, threats to commit violent acts, Brutality, tax fraud.

 

Comes now the Plaintiff Jonathan Lee Riches (c), in pro-se, Moves this Honorable Court to issue an order for DEFENDANT MICHAEL VICK to glue a response. AlsoMoves this honorable court to issue a TRO TEMPORAry Restraining order against MICHAEL VICK from any further contact with PLaiNtiff. As PLaiNtiff is claiming that his FederaL and State Constitutional Rights are being violated under the 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 8th, and 14th amendment of the Constitution. For reLieF, PLaiNtiff seek’s 63,000,000,000.00 Billion dollars backed by gold and siLver delivered via “UPS” United States ParceL Service to the front gates of FCI Williamsburg, SaLters S.C., Collected from Defendant MICHAEL VICK.

 

1

MICHAEL VICK is a Quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons. On April 20th, 2007 Mr. VICK Stole two white mixed Pit Bull dogs from my residence in HoLiday florida, and used them for dog fighting throughout the Richmond Area. MR. VICK damaged my RFID chips in my dogs collars so I will Not be able to track them. These 2 dogs were used for fighting on ApriL 23rd, 24th, and 26th, 2007. On April 28th, MR. VICK sold my dogs on EBAY Auction, and used the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran Government.

 

2

MICHAEL VICK CoNtinued to harass me on May 4th, 2007 by SteaLing my Identity from my coat. My Identity was used to open New Store account cards to petsmart and doggie warehouse to purchase food for MR. VICK’S illegal dogfighting operation.

 

3

MICHAEL VICK violated my copyright Laws by using my copyright name on his personal football outfit and casual clothing without paying me for use. This conspiracy started Jan 10th 2001 until the day this suit was written. MR. VICK uses my name to sell T-shirts, Jonathan Lee Riches mugs, Mr. Riches hats.

 

4

 

  • On Feb 10th, 2007 MICHAEL VICK plead ALLengence to AL-qaeda
  • MICHAEL VICK SubJected me to microwave testing
  • MICHAEL VICK used drugs in school zones
  • MICHAEL VICK IS iN the busiNeSS of illegaL Steroids

Plaintiff prays this court to give him relief on these Issues

 

Plaintiff prays this court will issue a Temporary Restraining order Against MICHAEL VICK so he can no longer sell my copyrighted materials. MICHAEL VICK can’t steal anymore of my animals (dogs) for dogfighting. MICHAEL VICK Has to stop Physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes.

 

Respectfully

Submitted

 

Jonathan Lee Riches (c)

$40948-018

FCI Williamsburg

P.O. Box 340

Salters, S.C. 29520

 

[DUE To Restrictions on typewriters,

This Suit was Handwritten]

 

I’d love to make fun of this, but it’s like Tothian wrote it or something: it makes fun of itself. I mean honestly: ‘Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes?’ Fess up, Tothian … you did have something to do with this, didn’t you? Was I wrong? Are you really not Eric Toth? Is your secret identity really Jonathan Lee Riches (c)? I mean, his name is copyrighted … just like yours. I wonder …?

 

 

 

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Written by jessecuster

August 14, 2007 at 7:28 pm

41 Responses

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  1. “PLaiNtiff seek’s 63,000,000,000.00 Billion dollars”

    How much is 63billion-billion?

    $63,000,000,000,000,000,000.00 ?

    63 quintillion?

    Is there that much money?

    bagel of everything

    August 14, 2007 at 8:51 pm

  2. I think he’ll want to put 31.5 quintillion in a Swiss account and 31.5 in a Cayman Islands account…not for tax purposes, but to keep the earth’s axis from shifting!

    Soylent Ape

    August 14, 2007 at 10:15 pm

  3. whatever he took, I want two.

    criminyjicket

    August 14, 2007 at 11:06 pm

  4. […] BREAKING NEWS: Michael Vick involved in Iran / Al Qaeda Conspiracy, alleges lawsuit [image]. A lawsuit was filed in US District Court in Richmond, Virginia on 23 July, 2007, alleging that […]

  5. Want your own mug he’s describing? They’ve already got them here! :

    http://www.cafepress.com/63billion

    Hobbit1978

    August 15, 2007 at 8:29 am

  6. You know, that’s prolly spam, but I’m going to leave it cuz its funny as fuck.

    bagel of everything

    August 15, 2007 at 8:41 am

  7. It is pretty catchy!

    Sue

    August 15, 2007 at 2:12 pm

  8. I know what the dogs were shot with . . . . Vick’s .44

    Frontier Former Editor

    August 15, 2007 at 4:16 pm

  9. Taking Vick’s 44 is very much like getting shot, but with a slightly lower chance of dying. Either way, you won’t be going anywhere for at least 6 hours. Robitussin is for pusses.

    Soylent Ape

    August 15, 2007 at 4:40 pm

  10. Sweet! This is the #14 post on WordPress right now. Just need a few more hits to crack the top ten …

    jessecuster

    August 15, 2007 at 5:37 pm

  11. So, if Vick nor his lawyer will comment, does that mean it’s true?

    Mesez YES!!!

    SEOHack

    August 15, 2007 at 5:47 pm

  12. […] BREAKING NEWS: Michael Vick involved in Iran / Al Qaeda Conspiracy, alleges lawsuit [image]. […]

    Top Posts « WordPress.com

    August 15, 2007 at 6:59 pm

  13. […] BREAKING NEWS: Michael Vick involved in Iran / Al Qaeda Conspiracy, alleges lawsuit [image]. A lawsuit was filed in US District Court in Richmond, Virginia on 23 July, 2007, alleging that […]

    Top Blogs

    August 15, 2007 at 7:12 pm

  14. Now that’s just badass!

    Soylent Ape

    August 15, 2007 at 7:50 pm

  15. Wait, what? We were #14, then #13 … now #22? wtf happened?

    jessecuster

    August 15, 2007 at 8:07 pm

  16. […] . . . . Filed under: Uncategorized — Frontier Former Editor @ 9:23 pm A big thanks to Bagel for inspiring this bit of derangement and spite toward my fellow Virginian . . […]

    Bagel edit: Thanks for the props, but they belong to Jesse. Bless his heart, he found it, transcribed that whole document, and posted it. He has much excellence.

  17. this is whats known as an extraneous hit to help jessie crack the top ten. I know I’m only enabling him, but what the hell. Like my son says, reading Ration Reality is like winning the special olympics…either way you’re retarded.

    criminyjicket

    August 15, 2007 at 9:36 pm

  18. This isn’t the only case filed by this guy, there are 18 cases filed by him in the last 2 years alone.

    http://news.justia.com/cases/jonathan-lee-riches/

    Nick

    August 15, 2007 at 10:29 pm

  19. Thanks Nick! That’s pretty awesome!
    OMFG!
    He’s suing Barry Bonds for “Batman and Identity Robbin

    This guy is just looking for attention. We probably shouldn’t give it to him. (That’s sarcasm, in case the reader unfamiliar)

    bagel of everything

    August 15, 2007 at 11:40 pm

  20. I prefer to think he’s using these nuisance lawsuits as a tool to underscore the flaws in our civil/tort laws and push for reform…but, then, he could be bat-fucking-insane.

    Soylent Ape

    August 16, 2007 at 7:48 am

  21. i think the funniest part is in the handwritten letter when he said the mike vick had “microwaved him”. what the fuck? he might have had a case until then.

    WhatPushesMyButtons

    August 16, 2007 at 8:46 pm

  22. […] can’t sneeze with out hitting a lawyer.  The more people that come into the profession, the more outrageous some of the case filings seem to […]

  23. Are we absolutely sure Tothian didn’t have anything to do w/this? I mean, really.

    stepher

    August 21, 2007 at 10:26 pm

  24. […] Michael Vick involved in Iran / Al Qaeda Conspiracy, alleges lawsuit […]

  25. […] posts: Police save frat boys from sexy naked lady – No Masturbating in Manitoba  Michael Vick involved in Iran / Al Qaeda Conspiracy – Bad Day « Band of the Month: […]

  26. […] leave your doctor the hell alone. We here at ЯR aren’t in bed with the AMA, and welcome frivolous lawsuits. Just because I have no medical training doesn’t mean I can’t make up medical advice […]

  27. Hello webmaster
    I would like to share with you a link to your site
    write me here preonrelt@mail.ru

    Alexwebmaster

    March 3, 2009 at 8:25 am

  28. Riches;
    you are doing a great job, your x cellie Peter telesco

    peter telesco

    April 27, 2009 at 7:06 pm

  29. John, your doing a great job keep the good work up,your x cellie Peter telesco

    peter telesco

    April 27, 2009 at 7:08 pm

  30. This sounds absolutely ridiculous, but I do believe that certain wars have been fought to foreshadow deeper scandals.

    Yolanda Martin

    July 22, 2009 at 12:26 pm

  31. Hi! I was surfing and found your blog post… nice! I love your blog. :) Cheers! Sandra. R.

    sandrar

    September 10, 2009 at 2:17 pm

  32. Sign: umsun Hello!!! rcuwwymhyw and 6923ssgfhphzye and 564Cooooool blog really

    megan fox

    September 11, 2009 at 10:52 am

  33. Hey Richie Babe, I heard that Captain Richie conklin & SPECIAL AGENT JOHN SERENO are not to happy with that law Suit that u put out on them, the truth always comes out at thee end, They are both molesters on Prisoners in more ways then one. I also heard, that by the time i get off my supervision they are going to be knocking on my door again,for pay back on that suit, but this time its all going to be different. theres no Ratting in my game! the tattoo on my back speaks for it self, “FUCK THE FEDS” They broke 6ft 6 Oilcan Harry, But not 5ft 9 Petey from the Westside. Harry got busted with drugs in 2001 but they don’t mention that!! Lets work on one more suit before i go back in. “one more suit, before they suit up,for me”.

    pete telesco, from the Westside.

    December 26, 2009 at 3:57 pm

  34. Jon, Don’t mail anymore letters to my cousin Dominick Telesco’s house at 393 Oaklawn ave Stamford,CT. Thats the cousin that works at Cytec on West Main St, Stamford,CT. He turn out to be an informant for the Stamford Police Department, for Paul Guzda. He gave them all my Legal paper work from the courts, and my address book of all the Convicts that i met and became friends with in the system. The paper shows, that i was a stand up person in my case, and not a Rat like the ofters. “The tuccinardi’s on Liberty st, and my “other cousin Richard Pierce”, both of Stamford,CT. Let it be known to everyone what Dom did. Only the Rats live in Stamford, but the stand up one’s “Like me” they kick out of the State. The paper work could always be replaced from the Courts, not the address book. All the Convict’s that keep up to date with our friend (Jon Riches) work of Art, let it be known that Dom Telesco give all of your address information out to Lawenforcement, and Dom Telesco’s Motherinlaw and Fatherinlaw are friends with The federal informant Harry Farrington “Oilcan Harry” the mob turn coat. Google his name. Yours truely> Peter G.Telesco, once from Stamford,CT now in Providence,RI, But not for long, I will be going back to Prison soon. “And I can’t Wait” FUCK YOU SPECIAL AGENT JOHN SERENO OF NEW HAVEN,CT AND RICHARD CONKLIN OF NORWALK,CT WEST ROCKS RD. I’ll be nice not to give your number, ok Rich.

    Pete Telesco

    January 27, 2010 at 10:35 am

  35. Pete, I have been trying to get in touch with you. I will leave my number is grandma’s drawer take it and call me or leave contact info. I dont know if i can make it back to this site but I foound it via google.

    Jenn Telesco

    January 28, 2012 at 9:27 am

  36. CALL MY DAUTHER, AN ASK HER TO CALL ME; AND U GIVE HER THE PERMISSION TO RELEASE UR NUMBER TOO ME, NICE TO HEAR FROM U>PETER.

    Pete Telesco

    January 30, 2012 at 12:37 pm

    • PETE grandma is very very very sick. Please call the nursing home or email me asasp!! my email myarimar@gmail.com 6/7/13 very important…final days. I have been searching everything to get in contact with you.

      Jenn Telesco

      June 7, 2013 at 10:15 pm

    • PETE grandma is very very very sick. Please call the nursing home or email me asasp!! my email myarimar@gmail.com 6/7/13 very important…final days. I have been searching everything to get in contact with you.

      Jenn Telesco

      June 7, 2013 at 10:16 pm

  37. DON’T ANYONE BUY A CAR AT VILLAGE MOTORS FROM MICHAEL P.SCARDUZIO,OR KARL ANASTASI ALSO KNOWN AS BIG LIPS. VILLAGE MOTORS IN NORTH PROVIDENCE, THEY SUCK AND THEY ALSO LIKE TO LAUNDERING CUSTOMERS MONEY BY HOLDING THE FINANCE MONEY FROM THE BANK FOR AN EXTRA MONTH SO THEY COULD BUY MORE INVERTORY FOR THERE LOT. IN THE MEAN TIME THE BANK IS SENDING (YOU) THE CUSTOMER NASTY LETTERS THAT THEY WANT THE TITLE FOR THAT VEHICLE THAT U BOUGHT FROM THOSE 2 CRUMS. THAT PLACE IS RUN BY FELONS AND GET U FINANCE THROUGH FALSE PRETENTS ,,READ THE REVIEWS AND THEIR RATINGS THAT SAZ IT ALL. SCARDUZIO FEDERAL PRISON NUMBER #04084-070 NO OTHER CAR LOTS HAVE ANYTHING GOOD TO SAY ABOUT THEM. GOODBYE. TSB

    I'm broke

    August 8, 2012 at 10:05 am

    • well said about that crew! their ALL SCUM BAGS..

      tits

      August 8, 2014 at 1:42 pm


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