BREAKING NEWS: Michael Vick involved in Iran / Al Qaeda Conspiracy, alleges lawsuit
A lawsuit was filed in US District Court in Richmond, Virginia on 23 July, 2007, alleging that Michael Vick‘s dogfighting activities are in fact being used to fund purchases of missile systems from Iran, because of an Al Qaeda connection which Vick made in February of this year.
Sounds too good to be true? Couldn’t possibly have happened? Made up?
Nope. This is for real. I did not make this up. Yes, Ration Reality is a humor site … but this is an actual genuine news story.
Here’s the actual court filing. No shit. It’s handwritten.
The guy had relatively good handwriting, but it’s still pretty hard to read in places. I’ll transcribe it for you here. Please believe me, the grammar, spelling, word choice, capitalization, etc., are all the original.
Also, I think the poor guy might be lonely in prison. How would all y’all like to start a letter writing campaign? His address is at the bottom of his court filing.
IN THE UNITED STATES DISTRICT COURT
EASTERN DISTRICT OF VIRGINIA
CIVIL ACTION NO 3:07CV434 (ed: I think that’s the correct number)
Jonathan Lee Riches (c), PLAINTIFF
Michael VICK, DEFENDANT
“THEFT AND ABUSE OF MY ANIMALS”
“TRO TEMPORARY [sic] RESTRAINING ORDER”
(ed: I think he meant ‘pro tempore’)
This suit is a Bivens action, and Civil Rights violation by The Constitution a Laws of the United States; and Federal Tort claims inflicted by that include, but not limited to: Injury to wildlife, conspiracy, illegal dog fighting, extortion, Racketeering, gambling, copyright infringement, Identity theft, fraud, threats to commit violent acts, Brutality, tax fraud.
Comes now the Plaintiff Jonathan Lee Riches (c), in pro-se, Moves this Honorable Court to issue an order for DEFENDANT MICHAEL VICK to glue a response. AlsoMoves this honorable court to issue a TRO TEMPORAry Restraining order against MICHAEL VICK from any further contact with PLaiNtiff. As PLaiNtiff is claiming that his FederaL and State Constitutional Rights are being violated under the 1st, 2nd, 4th, 5th, 6th, 8th, and 14th amendment of the Constitution. For reLieF, PLaiNtiff seek’s 63,000,000,000.00 Billion dollars backed by gold and siLver delivered via “UPS” United States ParceL Service to the front gates of FCI Williamsburg, SaLters S.C., Collected from Defendant MICHAEL VICK.
MICHAEL VICK is a Quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons. On April 20th, 2007 Mr. VICK Stole two white mixed Pit Bull dogs from my residence in HoLiday florida, and used them for dog fighting throughout the Richmond Area. MR. VICK damaged my RFID chips in my dogs collars so I will Not be able to track them. These 2 dogs were used for fighting on ApriL 23rd, 24th, and 26th, 2007. On April 28th, MR. VICK sold my dogs on EBAY Auction, and used the proceeds to purchase missiles from the Iran Government.
MICHAEL VICK CoNtinued to harass me on May 4th, 2007 by SteaLing my Identity from my coat. My Identity was used to open New Store account cards to petsmart and doggie warehouse to purchase food for MR. VICK’S illegal dogfighting operation.
MICHAEL VICK violated my copyright Laws by using my copyright name on his personal football outfit and casual clothing without paying me for use. This conspiracy started Jan 10th 2001 until the day this suit was written. MR. VICK uses my name to sell T-shirts, Jonathan Lee Riches mugs, Mr. Riches hats.
- On Feb 10th, 2007 MICHAEL VICK plead ALLengence to AL-qaeda
- MICHAEL VICK SubJected me to microwave testing
- MICHAEL VICK used drugs in school zones
- MICHAEL VICK IS iN the busiNeSS of illegaL Steroids
Plaintiff prays this court to give him relief on these Issues
Plaintiff prays this court will issue a Temporary Restraining order Against MICHAEL VICK so he can no longer sell my copyrighted materials. MICHAEL VICK can’t steal anymore of my animals (dogs) for dogfighting. MICHAEL VICK Has to stop Physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes.
Jonathan Lee Riches (c)
P.O. Box 340
Salters, S.C. 29520
[DUE To Restrictions on typewriters,
This Suit was Handwritten]
I’d love to make fun of this, but it’s like Tothian wrote it or something: it makes fun of itself. I mean honestly: ‘Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes?’ Fess up, Tothian … you did have something to do with this, didn’t you? Was I wrong? Are you really not Eric Toth? Is your secret identity really Jonathan Lee Riches (c)? I mean, his name is copyrighted … just like yours. I wonder …?