Hip-Hop Hitler

 

I’ve been noticing a disturbing new trend emerging on the electronic eye candy whoremonger known as YouTube. At the time of my first exposure to this phenomenon, it was so shocking and, simultaneously, surreal that I didn’t believe my lying -ass eyes. Apparently, the O.G. Oppressor, the Autocratic Austrian come to represent evil incarnate is making a comeback in a most unlikely medium: Hip Hop music!

Yes, MC Adolf the Aryan is here to drop some eugenics on ya asses. “What the Fuck?”, you say. I understand your incredulity. For instance, all this time, I thought that Hitler was perpetually getting his rectum ruptured in Hell–what with all the ass-rape and everything. Apparently, all those genetic experiments back in the 40s worked, because ol’ Adolf looks remarkably spry for a 118 year-old Aryan.  

Given Der Führer’s biases toward the races of people that typically produce and market this kind of music (e.g: black artists/producers and Jewish executives), urban entertainment seems a strange choice for he of the arm band and little gay moustache. However, when you analyze it from a raw marketing point of view, it makes perfect sense. Hip-hop music is the driving force behind the contemporary international music industry. By itself, it is a multi-billion dollar market. It is the preferred music of the coveted 15-30 year-old demographic. I imagine Hitler in the Friedrichstrasse offices of his P.R. firm discussing his new branding strategy with Herren Schiller and Cohen.

Herr Cohen: Well, Adolf, your brand image has suffered a lot in the past 7 or so decades. What we need to do is position you in a new, more accessible arena. It’s going to be challenging, but there is a proven strategy to consider.

Hitler (struck by the irony of being bailed-out by a Jew) : What is that?

Herr Schiller: We have to get you away from the inhospitable “edge” that you exhibit, we need to make you more contemporary, too; more “of the times“. I can see you losing the rhetoric. It’s 2007 and that stuff doesn’t fly with most people anymore. The look has got to change. I mean the uniform might be a bit too much for people if you wear it all the time. Break it up a little; wear some Ecko Unltd. tops and SouthPole jeans–maybe some bling. Standard stuff. Oh, but keep the comb-over and tiny moustache–that’ll be your “thing”. Get yourself some cool minority friends, too. Now for the music… I can see that you’ve had some success with the hardcore punk. I say keep that going on the side. However, I want to see you get on top of some slammin’ beats. T. I., 50 Cent, Li’l Jon: that’s what the kids are listening to these days. Would you say that you have “mad rhyme skillz? Nevermind. Heidi, get Kanye West on the phone, bitte…

(I have known a few people who work in Public Relations. Believe me when I say that is pretty much how their conversation with Hitler would go. Rest assured that they‘ve already cashed his check at this point, too.)

Apparently, the bastard took their advice because there are multitudes of rhyme-spittin’, eugenics-droppin’ Hitlers on YouTube to the horror of the world at large. Don’t believe me? See for yourselves.

Apparently, this is one of The Führer’s early forays into rap, as there is a decidedly “disco” feel to this recording. Hitler (here sporting a striking resemblance to Mel Brooks) takes it back to the old school. His B-Boy prowess is on full display with an impressive backspin maneuver. Surreal.

 Here, Hitler somehow appears less like Mel Brooks and more like a scrawny, 17 year-old bitch-kid. Stranger still, Hitler’s signature ‘stache appears to be shaven and then painted back on, much like my gifted ed. teacher’s eyebrows. (Perhaps this is a subtle overture toward young Latin women.) The ADR on this video is horrible and never syncs properly, but that’s okay, since it’s just a loop of Josef Goebbels saying things like “My Comrades” and “The German People” over and over again in German. At the close, he utters “Verdammt, die Auslaender!”, which approximates, “Dammit, it’s the Foreigners” in English before beating a hasty retreat. Perhaps he saw some Russians coming.. (The Russians always had a knack for humiliating the limpdick-tator with military superiority and general badassness.) This footage cannot be called “entertainment”, nor can it be called “informative”. “Fucking awful” is the best descriptor I’ve got. Perhaps the most disturbing thing about this footage is the number of comments from YouTubers deriding Jews and praising Hitler–In German Such remarks are illegal in The Fatherland and generally frowned-upon in other German-speaking countries like Austria and Switzerland.

I would say this is my “favorite”, for lack of a better word, of the Reichmeister‘s musical compositions.. Hitler’s mic skills are strong and he’s finally come around to courting the youngsters with their own cultural markers and his unique sense of style. Even better is chilled-out producer Hermann Göring’s 12-bar Timbaland-style cameo, delivered with a distinct Snoop Dogg flava. With lyrics like “When other rappers see me comin‘, yo, they run and they hide. I grab the mic and commit lyrical genocide“ and “…now the SS on my jacket stands for ‘Super Smooth‘”, you have to wonder what his A & R rep was thinking.

If rap’s not your thing, don’t worry. There’s a power metal Hitler, a Neue Deutsche Welle Hitler, a reggae Hitler, an acid house Hitler, a stand-up comedian Hitler…you name the genre and your old pal Hitler has that base covered on YouTube.

This world is truly fucked.

See also: Illegal in Germany