Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Butt sex hurts lady bloggers

with 58 comments

 Since 6th grade, my boyfriends have been wanting to stick it in my pooper. I’ll be the first to admit: I was a slutty adolescent. However, I reached no impossible level of sluttitude that my 13 year old pussy shouldn’t have been adequate, even for the most pencil dicked quarterback.

Let’s all just take a breath now, and shout WTF IS WRONG WITH MEN!?

I was 18 and stoned out my mind before I finally gave in. I was having a “maybe we can make it work this time” fling with an old boyfriend, at the home of my dead friend’s mom, and so high he may have well been a melting chocolate monkey.

It was good. It was damn good. I think it was in my butt, and it didn’t hurt. Looking back, it very well could have been in my eye and it wouldn’t have hurt. Ahhh, drugs. I love me some drugs. We broke up shortly after, but long after the keymarks on the hood of his Camaro were sanded and painted, I still remembered the feeling.

An ex- husband and 2 boyfriends later, I sought to reclaim this ecstasy. He told me it was not a good idea. I said I wanted to. He obeyed. We didn’t get very far.

BUTTSEX HURTS!

Then, I had this brilliant idea:

Let’s do it “normally”, but when I get really into it, before I girl-jizz, you pull out and slide right in. It’ll be great. I won’t be all tense. Trust me. He told me it was a very bad idea. I said I wanted to. He obeyed. He got kicked in the head. Hard. Better luck next time, dude.

So how the hell do you do it?

I know some of our readers are assfuck fiends, so I expect plenty of helpful comments.
(This means you, Leaky, Note, Stiletto, Deviant)

-bagel

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Written by The Bagel of Everything

July 22, 2007 at 3:09 pm

Posted in 420, drugs, fuck, hymen, love, nsfw, sex, slut, sodomy

58 Responses

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  1. He’s supposed to punch the back of your neck as he’s sliding in, jesus don’t you girls know how to do anything?

    Kevin

    July 22, 2007 at 3:15 pm

  2. Ah, the donkey punch maneuver. My mom recommended that, but she didn’t really explain it. Please, expound.

    bagel of everything

    July 22, 2007 at 3:18 pm

  3. me: anal sex is much more complicated than vaginal sex
    you can’t just pop it in
    you need patience and the blood of a jewish baby to lube up the penis
    very very complex

    bagelofeverything: you should go back and say that
    will make for interesting google searches

    me: nooooO

    bagelofeverything: hrm, i remember hearing something about copy/paste
    is it true that you can copy text from one place, like a chat window

    bagelofeverything: and paste it into soemthing else, like an edit comments window?

    me: k hold on

    IT WORKED!

    Kevin

    July 22, 2007 at 3:23 pm

  4. cute, but that doesn’t do a thing to help my ass, ass.

    gtfomi

    bagel of everything

    July 22, 2007 at 3:30 pm

  5. I hear there needs to be a full moon and you must exfoliate the cavity prior to the deed. That can’t be good.

    abarclay12

    July 22, 2007 at 4:55 pm

  6. Aba: See my previous comment. plzkthx

    bagel of everything

    July 22, 2007 at 5:02 pm

  7. WELL. I tell ya, BOE, am I glad to have been clued in that you were a woman before this post. Because that first sentenced would have severely mind fucked me.

    Now, back to your end of things. How to help one’s ass so they can engage in deviant sexual behavior without resorting to getting blitzed beforehand? I think you need the proper lubricant and toy to loosen things up a bit. Maybe this too:

    http://shop.libida.com/shop/anal_douche.asp

    It even glows in the darK! Although I’m not sure why that matters.

    Hey why don’t you start a new meme? You know — tagging people’s asses – I doubt they would answer or admit but worth a try. Uh, nice ribbon, by the way.

    Stiletto

    July 23, 2007 at 8:35 am

  8. Oh, how funny! I just caught my name above that picture. Oh you know us all too well!

    http://content.libida.com/tips/page.aspx?id=f3980e8e-49d0-41cf-9ce6-00bee03ac2f3

    More tips for you. Gee, do you have to be such a pain in the – oh never mind.

    Stiletto

    July 23, 2007 at 8:36 am

  9. ‘tagging people’s asses?’

    As in ‘I’d tag that ass?’

    jessecuster

    July 23, 2007 at 8:51 am

  10. Thanks for the links Stiletto!
    I guess it was the best advice available, but the thing is, I know all that stuff.
    Rationally, I should totally be able to handle it. I’m smart and I can handle pain at an acceptable level.
    But I just can’t do it, damnit!

    I can accept a finger, even 2. But when the penis tries to enter, the little ring closes the hell up. It’s more like being stabbed with a baseball bat than an orifice being stretched.

    My vagina is abnormally tight as well, I think something might be wrong with me.

    “that first sentenced would have severely mind fucked me.”
    I thought of that as I was writing, and laughed my fool head off!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA

    bagel of everything

    July 23, 2007 at 8:51 am

  11. Jesse! Where the fuck have you been?

    Ha! We got us a Navy man now, he’ll know what to do!

    bagel of everything

    July 23, 2007 at 8:53 am

  12. Whoa! Now that my friends is TMI!

    Stiletto

    July 25, 2007 at 8:40 am

  13. My former best guy pal discovered his homo roots in the Navy. Actually I love that song In the Navy by The Village People.

    http://www.worldfolksong.com/anthem/lyrics02/pat/navy.htm

    Stiletto

    July 25, 2007 at 8:48 am

  14. “In the Navy” is a 1979 hit song by Village People. The music video for the song was shot with the help of the United States Navy. The Navy actually intended to use the song in promotional advertising until protests erupted over using taxpayer money for a music video of a dubious group”

    I never knew that!

    bagel of everything

    July 25, 2007 at 9:58 am

  15. Fascinating, isn’t it? I mean, I thought I was the only one who wasn’t clued in to the fact that the Village People were, uh, extra HAPPY!

    Stiletto

    July 25, 2007 at 3:49 pm

  16. Well, they say ‘it ain’t gay if you’re underway,’ but I personally wouldn’t know. I’ve never experienced the dubious pleasure of receiving, myself.

    I know my ex wife hated it, though. And, this may or may not make me a bad person, but I hated her enough that knowing how much she hated it made me enjoy doing it to her that much more, on those rare occasions she got drunk enough to agree to it. :P

    jessecuster

    July 25, 2007 at 4:01 pm

  17. Jesse: I always thought it was “it ain’t gay if youre under whey”.
    I could never figure out what dairy protein had to do with it. Makes alot more sense now, thanks ;b

    Also, that doesn’t make you a bad person. I mean, it would, if you weren’t already a bad person. It just makes you a worse person.

    Shall I add it to my list of reasons Jesse is going to hell?

    bagel of everything

    July 25, 2007 at 7:12 pm

  18. Feel free!

    I’ll see you there, I’m sure. I’m sure that we’ll be both tormented by my ex-wife, too … it’s for certain that she’s a demon of some variety, just set loose upon the Earth for a while to wreak her havoc.

    Seriously – she’s evil on a Biblical scale.

    jessecuster

    July 25, 2007 at 7:23 pm

  19. […] Outwardly, the casino is absolutely beautiful. It truly is a luxurious establishment. I’ve spent a (fortunately free) weekend at their hotel before, and it was astoundingly wonderful. I’ve never stayed in a nicer suite. Even the gaming floor is fantastic, even though the slot machines are tighter than Bagel’s asshole. […]

  20. Nice pingback, Jesse

    bagel of everything

    July 26, 2007 at 3:37 pm

  21. Yeah. Um.

    Just so you know, WATERWORLD FUCKING SUCKS, Bagel. It was the LOWEST fucking point in Kevin Costner’s already mediocre career.

    So, yeah. Anyway. :D

    jessecuster

    July 26, 2007 at 3:46 pm

  22. Watching Waterworld is better than getting munched by a toothless hooker!

    Ok, maybe not, but it’s a damn good film!

    bagel of everything

    July 26, 2007 at 3:48 pm

  23. You suffer from delusions of good taste.

    jessecuster

    July 26, 2007 at 3:57 pm

  24. ewe…did you just say I’m tasty?
    perv!

    I’m feeling sexually harassed. This has become a hostile work environment.

    bagel of everything

    July 26, 2007 at 4:00 pm

  25. Okay, in reading the comments (both about anal sex and the Navy), I can weigh in on both.

    First, I am a guy.

    Second, while I’ve never desired to have butt sex with a girl, I did, indeed, have a girl take a strap-on to me, and we did, indeed, have buttsex. I was (a) extremely drunk, and (b) extremely horny, and she was (c) extremely insistent that we would do anything I asked sexually if we did the whole “strap on” thing. Naturally, I agreed — on the condition that what I wanted to do was done before we did what she wanted to do. Call me stupid, but the thought of having a strap-on dildo on my butt without first having made sure I was going to get my fetish taken care of was just not going to cut it.

    I spent four years in the Navy. It was on the U.S.S. JOHN F. KENNEDY (CV-67) that one of the members of my ASW Module (Anti-Submarine Warfare) told me that he had a crush on me and might possibly be in love with me. I told him that (a) I was tremendously flattered and (b) tremendously not even vaguely interested in pursuing anything further.

    The Navy does seem to bring out some strange characters.

    Richard Morgan

    July 29, 2007 at 1:27 pm

  26. “The Navy does seem to bring out some strange characters.”
    Not unlike blogs :)

    So…how did you manage to accept the package? I just..CANT

    bagel of everything

    July 29, 2007 at 1:37 pm

  27. Well, dude, if you were on Big John, you were used to getting fucked in the ass, especially come INSURV time.

    Wow.

    Were you there when she was officially deemed unsafe to go to sea?

    jessecuster

    July 29, 2007 at 1:39 pm

  28. Bagel, there was a lot of lubrication involved, and there was also an incredible amount of “butt-unclenching.” The human body naturally rejects anything going into that opening and tries to shut it out.

    Jesse, I had gotten out a couple of years before — back when she was actually unsafe but it wasn’t “official.” Anyone who had to eat the midnight gaggies on board would have known there were serious problems on that baby.

    Richard Morgan

    July 29, 2007 at 1:50 pm

  29. And, for the record, my wife, Brianna, has told me that if I ever even remotely think about doing anything in the backyard area when we’re doing it, I’m going to be fishing for “Little Richard” out of the dog’s food bowl.

    Richard Morgan

    July 29, 2007 at 1:52 pm

  30. I spent a couple years – ’99-’01 onboard one of the ships in JFKBATGRU.

    Fun and games, let me tell you. I always enjoyed being Officer of the Deck during plane guard ops … wondering if JFK would actually let us know about the next 180 degree course change before she did it … that sort of thing.

    Fortunately, she was almost never actually able to get to sea, so it usually worked out in the end.

    jessecuster

    July 29, 2007 at 1:55 pm

  31. Jesse, some of the officers I worked with in Flight Ops during ASW maneuvers were amazing. Our Lieutenant Commander would always tells us, “I was a goddamned manager at Wal-Mart for five years. I know what the hell I’m doing here!” Makes you feel secure, doesn’t it?

    Richard Morgan

    July 29, 2007 at 2:16 pm

  32. High Pressure Steam + Retard = Lots-o-Fun!

    Been there, done that, got the Navy Com for it. :P

    jessecuster

    July 29, 2007 at 2:47 pm

  33. I might regret later documenting this, but first you have to be really turned on. Lots of oral and finger action. When it is time, just relax and sort of push out. Get it in and stop for a sec-just long enough for you to become acclimated to it being in there. Then you move until you are nearly crazy. At that point he can go at it.
    /love butt sex but hubby would die if he knew I said so publicly.

    miche

    July 30, 2007 at 11:06 am

  34. Thanks Richard, Miche, and everyone. Great advice!

    Now to get “relaxed” enough to try it…

    bagel of everything

    July 30, 2007 at 11:44 am

  35. Mlle Bagel:

    “With patience and plenty of saliva the elephant deflowered the mosquito.”

    Everything you’ve described above suggests “rushed” to me. Rushing the job isn’t just painful, it’s dangerous. You can rupture stuff that can’t be fixed, prolapse yourself (you don’t want to know), and worse–like “potentially fatal” worse.

    That said, there’s no reason you shouldn’t safely enjoy it, done right.

    Slow-going, thorough exploration with a gallon of lube will benefit both you and your partner. Anal sex can be painful for the guy as well–even if he isn’t getting kicked in the head.

    Dan Savage of Savage Love is fond of Toys in Babeland, which has a handy “How-To” section, including this.

    I’m sure I don’t need to say “condoms, condoms, condoms, condoms, condoms”.

    And remember, if it feels dirty, perverse, and disgusting then you’re probably doing it right.

    My 2¢, special today 100% off and worth, at most, half of that.

    Metro

    July 30, 2007 at 2:17 pm

  36. This topic has really brought out the beast in everyone.

    Stiletto

    July 30, 2007 at 2:49 pm

  37. Awesome, metro! I do admit I’m not a patient one. I kinda wondered if it hurt the giver as well. Tho I knew if I ever asked, I’d be told “lets try it and ill tell you!”

    Stiletto: Thanks for sending some of your peeps our way, my platonicly lovely friend.

    bagel of everything

    July 30, 2007 at 3:07 pm

  38. i was going to comment, but I fear increasing the level of depravity will only encourage you.

    criminyjicket

    July 31, 2007 at 8:35 pm

  39. Sorry :(

    Emmanuil

    August 24, 2007 at 11:19 am

  40. […] a live and let live kind of Bagel, and I love me some drugs, but damn. That’s just […]

  41. […] [safer] alternative would be to get hitched to an anal loving freak. case in point here even if it’s a woman but it’s inspired me to find a male equivalent. maybe she’d […]

  42. Thx for the link, Fangel.

    Let’s talk about meeeee some more, ok?

    bagel of everything

    December 6, 2007 at 5:31 pm

  43. Oh yea, the ketchup bottle treatment.
    Bagel ? Didnt we have this conversation yesterday ?
    And you said you would return the banana, unwashed.

    micky2

    December 6, 2007 at 5:41 pm

  44. The banana was for sex? I thought it was a hygiene thing

    bagel of everything

    December 6, 2007 at 6:00 pm

  45. The bumper sticker that says “honk if you’re horny” was supposed to handle that.
    Fuck man ! At least peel it when you’re done.

    micky2

    December 6, 2007 at 6:10 pm

  46. As a journeyman in my sexual adolesence , along with being up for 3 days on crank. A lady and I went anal and then pie wise and then anal and…

    The doctor said the rash was called “honeymooners disease”

    Be careful with the switcharoos

    micky2

    December 6, 2007 at 6:13 pm

  47. Front to back – hot in the sack
    Back to front – good fucking luck!

    Look! I’m a poet!

    bagel of everything

    December 6, 2007 at 6:15 pm

  48. Bananalinguist ?

    micky2

    December 6, 2007 at 6:30 pm

  49. Who you callin ‘banal’ ?

    bagel of everything

    December 6, 2007 at 6:33 pm

  50. Hey, you brought up the sticker fruit thing. I was just trying to help.
    Unless you have another useless orifice.

    micky2

    December 6, 2007 at 6:46 pm

  51. Um, no. You brought it up. YOU YOU YOU! It was all you.
    You’ve corrupted me.
    Next thing you know, I’ll be posting hardcore gay hamster porn.

    bagel of everything

    December 6, 2007 at 7:01 pm

  52. Hamsters like bananas.

    micky2

    December 6, 2007 at 8:01 pm

  53. I was just watching the Flying Nun do a Boniava commercial. She said she needed strong healthy bones and I thought about Bagel.

    micky2

    December 6, 2007 at 10:48 pm

  54. […] posts: Butt sex hurts lady bloggers – Confessions of a pizza delivery girl – Anorexia: A foolproof […]

  55. […] Butt stimulate hurts Mohammedan bloggers Ration RealitySince 6th grade, my boyfriends hit been wanting to follow it in my pooper. I ll be the prototypal to admit: I was a slutty adolescent. However, I reached no impracticable take of […]

    funny spammer

    March 5, 2008 at 6:09 am

  56. I let the above spammer through, with link removed, cuz I love me some extreme double reverse translation. It should be an olympic sport.

    The Bagel of Everything

    March 8, 2008 at 4:16 am

  57. Not one person gave you a decent answer. My girl loves buttsex. I wouldn’t want to marry some prude who refused to take it in the pooper.

    I think you can thank me for this post by explaining in detail just how exactly to get her to give me more frequent and protracted blowjobs.

    Before you attempt buttsex-
    Make sure you really clear out your bowels first.
    Treat yourself to some Metamucil or prune juice the night before.
    Smoke a cigarette in the morning while drinking your coffee black.
    Go in the bathroom and make a thorough crap in the commode.
    Wipe. Flush.
    Get your stinky butt in the shower,
    and when you finish the washing routine,
    say a little prayer and squat.
    Hold your breath and Stick your finger up your butt,
    and make extra damn sure all the little poop particles have been cleaned completely out.
    You can also wiggle your finger around enough right here to get fired up about the impending sodomy event you so crave.
    This paves the way for a brave, bold and intrepid penile pioneer of your previously almost-virginal poopchute.

    Make sure you have some ‘Lube- any water soluble brand like K-Y should work fine.

    Lube your anus thoroughly, or let your partner do it (oh, so gently) You can help getting the prick hard right here by applying an extra glob of lube to that thing and giving it some special caresses.

    Cooing sounds and encouraging soft talk is optional, but helps.

    You are now totally ready for a good old fashioned ass-reaming.

    Let him pop just the head in and then hold it for a moment while you relax.
    Don’t try this with a 17 year old boy because he will just give you the ‘Brown Banana’ And Drive that Sucker home to the hilt when you least expect it.
    Like, anytime you are on your knees doggy style and expecting a stiff one in the Vaj.

    Anyway, get him to gently push it in a quarter inch or so at a time while you relax. Take your time. After all this preparation, you want to enjoy it and the anticipation should just serve to heighten your enjoyment.

    After a few minutes your caboose should be so loose that he won’t really feel it anymore and before he can come you will want to put a lip lock on the snotty end of his fuck-stick and slurp up all the mingled baby sauce.

    Don’t worry, the chances of getting pregnant from Ass-to-mouth are slim.

    You may prefer wiping the excess slime on a hand towel and straddling that cock like an equestrienne on a mission, meow meow. I don’t really recommend the ATM.

    You might also videotape the entire sequence of events for posterity, and post it on the internet. Be sure to credit me, or at least cry out my name during the fun parts.
    Let me know how things turn out!

    Scire

    March 21, 2008 at 1:18 pm

  58. Whoa. Thanks.
    Going to take me a while to digest that.

    I’ll get back to ya.

    As for getting her to give head: Keep that thing clean! Women are more sensitive to smells than men, and our sex drive is closely connected the the olfactory.

    I make my man use mint body wash…makes his cock taste like spearmint gum. Yves Rocher makes a good one.

    Also, stay away from stinky foods like garlic & onion. The stank excretes through your pores and jizz for days after eating them. If you must consume them, make sure she eats them too.

    The Bagel of Everything

    March 21, 2008 at 7:02 pm


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