Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Mega Maid – The Money Machine

with 3 comments

 Another fantabulous contribution from Bakes™

Ya’ll go visit him, ya hear?

-Bagel


Just an innocent little eye scratch... Happy Wednesday, one and all.  How did you start your day   today?I rolled out of bed, took care of the coffee and cat, and stumbled upon a most gorgeous news nugget.

In a disturbing, yet creative way to raise money for breast cancer, a group of New Sleaze-landers ranging in ages from the mid-40’s to the mid-70’s posed naked for a 2008 calendar.

I nearly spit my coffee. 


Morning flapjacks of an unfamiliar kind.

The only problem is that they’re underestimating the market demand for sagging poon and dimpled old ass by only printing 1500 of these. For $15.00 a pop in the age of Viagra, I can get rid of all 1500 in Sarasota alone on a sunny weekday before noon.

I’d tend to think that a couple of these fellows would chubb up at the image of some wrinkly cans pressed up against a Deere.

It’s an easy sell, but I should still build a marketing plan.

Buy two calendars, and I’ll toss in a new set of checkers. Buy three, and you’ll receive a free dinner coupon at the early-bird buffet. However if any of you horny bastards live to turn every page of the calendar, I’ll give you your cash back. Oh, and you get to keep the checkers.


Thanks for your purchase. Enjoy the macaroni and cheese.

Maybe I’m just being a Major Asshole?

I don’t care. This is about breast cancer. We can solve this shit by going about it correctly. Methodically. Also, we must hope that any of these dudes who make it through the whole year forget about the money back guarantee. Then again, I can see this becoming the chief 2008 keepsake if the other eleven pictures are as sexy as the tractor shot above.

Drilling deeper into the target market, we need to look at penetrating the core at places like eons.com – the myspace for seniors. If this place is truly trying to be the center of gravity on the web for adults 50-plus, then it’s the perfect place to set up shop and peddle this “gray” market smut.


I think the clientele would be receptive.

Eventually in this high-traffic network, we’ll be forced to broaden the offering to include Lawrence Welk ringtones, senior-style bling like gold plated dentures, Mike Douglas Show DVDs, and of course the i-phone.

Without a doubt though, the crux of our campaign is the senior citizen boner. This is a big gateway business thanks to the drug companies, and the government certainly has our backs. Well, at least Mr. Seaman is on board.

Is this feasible? Remember, the interweb is simply a giant electronic sex vaccuum.

“She’s gone from suck to blow!” That’s so hot.

My intent is to make the world better by raising breast cancer awareness. With that in mind, a small portion of all revenue generated will be donated to the construction of a right lane on the information super highway to accomodate all the 60-something surfers who will now be puttering about the cyberscape in search of booty.

May the schwartz be with them all.

Aloha.


 random– –submit– –blogarama– –technorati– –del.icio.us– –digg it!


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Written by The Bagel of Everything

July 11, 2007 at 6:45 pm

3 Responses

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  1. Another fine example of why Bakes kills on MySpace. Excellent…and Horrifying!

    Soylent Ape

    July 12, 2007 at 5:15 am

  2. Wait a minute, there’s a myspace for senior citizens? Gulp. Are they…rich?

    Stiletto

    July 12, 2007 at 7:06 am

  3. Hey Bakes! Make with some more posts, please! We miss you!

    bagel of everything

    August 14, 2007 at 12:27 pm


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