Real Life Superheroes: The Revenge

STOP THE PRESSES! The man, the mystery, the enigma, known as SUPERHERO has spoken!

THE SEQUEL TO THIS POST CAN BE FOUND HERE. 

The other day was one of those rare occasions when none of the four of us had anything to say, so we threw up a post from a guest author, the inestimable Hurricane Sluttina.  Her post was about Real Life Superheroes.  It didn’t attract that much notice for us at the time – presumably anyone who wanted to read it had already read it, over at her blog.

But then came Zetaman.

When he was spotlighted in Sluttina’s article, I didn’t even bother to click on the link to his name.  I just looked over it and thought he was simply an asshat that likes to cosplay.  But it turns out that Zetaman is actually a genuine real life superhero, with a genuine ego.  How do we know he’s got an ego?

 Because he vanity-searched himself, and found us down at the bottom of the second page of results.  And he grew resentful.  And his wroth was mighty, and great.  He stabbed the red styrofoam sword of justice deep into the heart of Ration Reality, and told all his friends about us, too.  (Although there is another alternative search through which he could have found us …  only Zetaman knows the truth.)

Sadly, I cannot show you the context for this, as the thread was locked and you need to have a password to get into the site, but this is what he said:

I wish this webblog was actually funny. I am kind of disappointed really.

http://rationreality.com/2007/06/20/real-life-superheroes/

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=12158970&blogID=278248916&Mytoken=8B4CB589-F459-46D4-888A297B8F8C206B4080438
Totally my fault for responding. Oh well, it’s just the internet. There are millions and millions of sites out there. In any case, if these critics are so hardcore, why can’t they make a difference and bury us in the ground with their good deeds? Lazy maybe? Easier to talk tough behind a computer. At least I have fans now. Woo Hoo!

 And then the flood hit.  Within a matter of hours, we had hundreds of hits on that article, most of them with a trail of stale cracker-crumbs leading right back to World Heroics.  Now, obviously superheroes must have their Fortress of Solitude, and this group is very lucky that they didn’t have to go to the Arctic for theirs.  Also, it seems to be built around standard computer technology, vice Kryptonian crystals and such.  Makes it easier to get repairs and replacement parts, I guess.

Zetaman seems to be a genuinely nice guy, actually.  I was perhaps a little harsh to him when I said that he had bumped the furries back to number two in my list of things that suck.  In response to his snipe about ‘why can’t they make a difference … with their good deeds,’ I would like to ask him how many tons of cocaine he’s had a hand in intercepting?  How many drug dealers have you sent to hell, or even simply put behind bars?  How many refugees have you rescued at sea?   I’ll give you a hint, here: for these questions I’ve just asked, my answers are all greater than zero.

And then we met Entomo, the Insect Man.

****EDIT: FOR ACCURACY PURPOSES, IT SHOULD BE NOTED THAT ENTOMO IS ACTUALLY LOCATED IN NAPLES, NOT MILAN.  I APOLOGIZE FOR ANY CONFUSION THIS MAY HAVE CAUSED, AND FOR INADVERTENTLY INSULTING THE PEOPLE OF THE FINE CITY OF MILAN BY ASSOCIATING ENTOMO WITH THEM.****

He’s an Italian, a self-proclaimed ‘Real Life Spider-Man in Milan.’   I can only assume that the Greek letter Sigma on his … I hesitate to call it a ‘uniform’ … is in homage to the ‘not-Real Life Spider-Man,’ because I fail to see how an S could possibly stand for Entomo.  But, I digress.

With the traditional Italian chauvanism, he insulted us right off, claiming that our Head Bitch What Be In Charge was not, in fact, posessed of the right plumbing to be a bitch.  (Those who know Bagel know that she is very definitely a bitch.)  His objection was on technical grounds: nobody with girl-parts could possibly choose that name.

His philosophy is simple: “We’re not your average big thing. We’re the future. The “phenomenon” (as you call it) is growing BECAUSE more and more honest and sincere Superheroes are popping up day by day.”  He goes on to say: “We’re the future. We’re setting the difference. In the moment you see me, I’m doing the difference. In the moment I’m performing a good deed, small or big, I’m saving the world.”

He has a very simple, but very catchy, tagline:  “I INJECT JUSTICE.”   I am grateful for this – until now, I never knew what to call that tickly feeling that comes just before a burst of uncontrollable laughter.

But these aren’t the only two Real-Life Superheroes out there.  Oh no, there’s plenty more.

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Due to a special request, I’m including SUPERHERO in this entry.  I am somewhat shocked at the ego contained within this name.  His goals are noble, though.  He wants to help the children.  With the skin-tight uniform and bald head, I’m scared to ask what he’s helping the children with, but I’m pretty sure it’s not their homework.  Be afraid.  Be very afraid.  Just like the child in this picture.

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There’s Zeitgeist, a UK-based superhero!  The dictionary defines ’zeitgeist’ as ‘the spirit of the time; the spirit characteristic of an age or generation,’ and suggests alternate words such as ‘flavour,’ ‘feel,’ ’smell,’ and ‘tone.’  As in, ‘it left a bad flavour in my mouth,’ or ‘it had the smell of stupidity about it.’  As in ‘he really dragged down the tone of the event,’ or ‘it felt odd, like when that creepy old man at the park touched me in the bathing suit area.’  And let me tell you: click on his website at your own peril.  The eye-gouging red and orange of his page’s design will touch you in the bathing suit area of your mind, if nothing else.

But Zeitgeist is an educated superhero.  His tagline is in Latin: “quis custodiet ipsos custodes.”  Only a true scholar could know about Plato’s question in The Republic, and could pick out the poet Juvenal’s lovely phrasing.  Or someone who watches Justice League Unlimited, Star Trek: The Next Generation, and reads Watchmen.

But all of Zeitgeist’s good qualities are, sadly, sublimated behind the balaclava.  One of these masked men is Zeitgeist, the other is Shitegeist, a notorious terrorist from the PIRA.  Could it be that Zeitgeist is on an infiltration mission into the heart of the Irish liberation organizations?  Or is Shitegeist merely Zeitgeist’s evil twin?  (Actually, since we’re using pseudo-intellectual German words here, perhaps I should have said doppelganger.)

Only thing I can tell you here is, Britons beware!  The next time you see some dumbass running down your streets in a balaclava, watch out!  It might not be the Provos or Al Qaeda:  it might be the mighty Zeitgeist, solving crimes and freeing the oppressed!

Moving on back to America, we meet SQUEEGEMAN(tm)!  (Please note: his name is trademarked!  I hope he does not sue!)  This prime specimen of American beefcake is twenty-seven years old.  He has appeared on ABC’s Nightline, alongside the mysterious turban-wearing Captain Xavier Obvious. 

Squeegeeman(tm) is … he’s …

Fuck.  I’m not sure what to say about him that the picture doesn’t already say.  Except that perhaps if he’s looking for a sponsor, he should try Crest White Strips.  This picture here could serve as his ‘before’ picture.  In, say, a week or so he could do the ‘after’ pic. 

 But wait!  There’s more.  We simply do not have enough time to address all of the world’s Real Life Superheros in this one article.  You’ll have to wait for future installations for that!

The superheroes, or stuporheroes, as I like to think of them, have taken exception to the way they were portrayed in our first article.  Here at Ration Reality, never let it be said that we don’t offer a fair chance to everyone to be accurately depicted!  Our Head Bitch What Be In Charge has made repeated offers to the underwear perverts to post any rebuttals they care to make.  So far, nobody has dared to step out from the oh-so-emo shadows for long enough to do it.

So let me repeat the invitation here:  if you would like to explain why, as a real life superhero, you should not be taunted, go HERE and send us an email.

 

Excelsior!

-Jesse Custer

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