Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

Ten Gallons of Crazy in a Five Gallon Bucket

with 13 comments

The following story comes to us from the pages of Emergency: True Tales from the Nation’s ER’s, by Mark Brown, M.D.

I’m really not sure what the unholy fuck to say about it, aside from ‘holy fucking shit, that’s crazy.’   I’m torn between uncontrollable horror and uncontrollable laughter.  I mean, wow.  This is a big fucking box just chock filled to overflowing with crazy. Does this make me a bad person?  Maybe it does.  But, in the words of the immortal Bill Hicks (may his black little soul rest in peace), ‘I don’t mean to sound bitter, cold, or cruel.  But I am, so that’s how it comes out.’

In an upper-income community hospital Emergency Department, a fifty-year-old matron complained of mild abdominal pain and fever. The patient was on an antidepressant, but she had no other significant medical history. Her physical exam was unremarkable. Lab tests did little to further the diagnosis. I decided to proceed with a pelvic exam. A female nurse set the patient up in the GYN room.

As I approached the room, the nurse shook her head in disbelief suggesting we were getting close to a diagnosis. The pelvic exam revealed that the patient’s labia were pinned together with three large, rusty safety pins.

The patient apparently had a long psychiatric history, including obsessive behavior focused on her inability to bear children. Two weeks earlier, the patient had purchased a small chicken at the market and had inserted it, piece by piece, into her vagina. She had pinned her labia to keep the chicken in place and was waiting for it to develop into a baby.

The patient was subsequently admitted to the psych unit, but not before she was washed out with two liters of Betadine and the entire chicken was accounted for.

Oh my fucking god.  What a world we live in.

Hat tip to Tony at Archaeoblog.


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Written by jessecuster

June 27, 2007 at 8:48 pm

13 Responses

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  1. *shivers* that was FUCKING disturbing! No other words….

    Stona Lisa

    June 28, 2007 at 8:22 am

  2. @Stona: Shivering is a symptom of severe bacterial infection. Know what causes a severe bacterial infection? A chicken up the hoohoo, that’s what!
    You should prolly goto the ER…

    Bagel of Everything

    June 28, 2007 at 9:59 am

  3. Finger-licking . . . . something

    Frontier Former Editor

    June 28, 2007 at 11:54 am

  4. @BAGEL: thats what that was!?! Im on it….

    Stona Lisa

    June 28, 2007 at 4:06 pm

  5. Fuck i think i just gave birth to a thigh–wait was it a drum?

    Stona Lisa

    June 28, 2007 at 4:07 pm

  6. You should name it after Jesse, since it was his article and all.
    Fucktard is his middle name, FYI.
    Jesse Fucktard Lisa.
    That’s a fine name for a chicken-human hybrid.

    Bagel of Everything

    June 28, 2007 at 4:12 pm

  7. LMAO….our “love Bird”! HA!

    Stona Lisa

    June 28, 2007 at 4:40 pm

  8. i love that show. i miss my bagel….;(


    June 29, 2007 at 7:46 pm

  9. Your bagel misses you too, Dream :)

    Now, get me some cream cheese and a midget!

    Bagel of Everything

    June 29, 2007 at 8:54 pm

  10. i couldnt find a midget, but i got extra cream cheese.


    June 30, 2007 at 6:34 am

  11. JESSE!!!


    bagel of everything

    September 9, 2007 at 12:33 am

  12. Holy fucking chicken vaj. I will never be the same. Mmmm… Hicks.

    The 'Goose

    April 24, 2008 at 2:34 pm

  13. […] posts: Ten Gallons of Crazy in a Five Gallon Bucket – The Nipple Extractor – The Miracle […]

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