Ration Reality

hyperbolic excellence

A Glass Half Shattered

with 8 comments

Shattered Glass was on IFC today. I watched it for the fourth time, knowing it only makes me sad. After seeing Life as a House, I watched all things Hayden Christensen. Except Star Wars. I should share that I “watched” the film in the way that I generally watch television:

“This is a good movie. I should try and concentrate.
A little caffiene would help.
Tea, I’ll fix a mug of earl grey. That’ll be nice.
Shit, we’re out of milk.
I think there’s some coffee creamer in the cabinet.
Ick, this shelf is a mess…is that corn syrup spilled all over?
I’ll clean that up, after I walk the dog. Wow, it’s still raining!
I’m thirsty. What was I doing?
Oh, look, there’s a good movie on.”

Notice that I didn’t actually make tea, clean up the sticky mess, or walk the dog. I just kinda walked about the house, muttering to myself. Not so much in a psycho way, but more in the “First generation to be babysat by MTV” way. Wait, what was I doing? Movie, yeah…

Shattered Glass makes me strangely uncomfortable. I feel guilty, somehow, as if I’m the one who did the things Stephen Glass did.
The film gives me that sick tummy feeling, like when you’re just about to fall asleep and remember that sweet high-school boyfriend who thinks you dumped him for his brother, or getting high with your cousins at your grandfather’s funeral. Remember that time you got drunk and told your depressed lesbian friend you had a crush on her, even though you didn’t? That didn’t work out well, did it?
I use the word “you” because I’m a nice girl who’d not do such ugly things.

I’m depressed now, and it’s still raining. I’d feel better if I could take a walk in the sunshine.

If I were an evil genius, I’d seed the upper atmosphere with serotonin, so we could all be happy when it rains.
Of course, if I were an evil genius, I’d know that wouldn’t work.. 


Your Nicknames Are:

Smoochie Cuddlekins is your cute nickname, Cloud Razor T-shirt is your superhero nickname, Long Tooth Big Ears is your Villain nickname, Torn Apart Paper Yoyo is your Monster nickname and Hic-Up-Apple-Nod is your all-out-weird-nickname.

What Nickname Suits Your Personality


Torn Apart Paper Yoyo. Maybe Brooks will write a song about me


Written by The Bagel of Everything

May 30, 2007 at 3:04 pm

8 Responses

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  1. Today, Glass is a lawyer. His lying skills will be better appreciated in that profession!


    May 30, 2007 at 8:27 pm

  2. I’m probably the only person any of you know who not only reads the New Republic, but has a fucking lifetime subscription. Like some men claim to read the Playboy for the articles, I read the New Republic for the movie reviews… but I’m really a nut-job policy wonking nerd face who can’t get enough of the liberal concept of shit like, umm, diplomacy. And Hayden Christainson is MEGA-GAY. Which is totally groovy… I’m just sayin’. Anakin has the queer eye. I liked him in the movie where he performed auto-erotic exphixiaationnnn, unggg. Too hot. And with Kevin Kline and that bitch from the English Patient. Did you know Prince “discovered” her? She was his leading lady in his magnificent directorial debut, Under a Cherry Moon. If you aren’t familiar with any of these things, well, you suck. Get with it. If you can’t keep up with obscure Prince trivia, you’re probably not eating right or getting the proper intellectual nourishment. Bone up and get back to me.


    June 11, 2007 at 4:22 am

  3. ” liked him in the movie where he performed auto-erotic exphixiaationnnn, unggg. Too hot. ”

    A freak after my own heart!

    bagel of everything

    June 12, 2007 at 12:57 am

  4. oh WOW! i just followd the link in my group here and i LOVE this piece. expect to see it on the website when i make a button for movie reviews ;)


    June 20, 2007 at 11:16 am

  5. Haha, thanks dearreeem! You’re such a blogwhore. We loves you :)

    bagel of everything

    June 23, 2007 at 2:56 pm

  6. I think Glass’s articles were true. He had to take a fall in order to protect Gary Coleman, ya see. He’s a lawyer now, a profession that has a much higher tolerance for lying.

    Soylent Ape

    August 28, 2007 at 7:03 pm

  7. I think Stephen Glass was an interidimensional transient. His reports were all accurate in his dimension.

  8. […] posts: Resident Evil: Putting the STINK in Extinction  Movie trailers recut as slasher flicks  A Glass Half Shattered – Anti-anti-consumerism A suburban housewife’s guide to mid-90’s gangsta rap music […]

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