Fred Baur at ’06 World Cup Finals

Baur’s family honored the request and he was interred in the iconic cardboard can with the plastic lid. It is not known what flavor of Pringles was contained in the makeshift urn. Hopefully, it wasn’t “Devil Hot”. That would just be poor taste!

Sources: San Francisco Chronicle - The Scotsman - The Press Association

My downtime wasn’t entirely spent sleeping in a blanket-fort. I did some stuff:

1. Tried new snacks: Pnuttles Butter Toffee Sunflower Kernels are amazing, and Kraft Bagel-fulls are just as good as they look on the commercial. Also, Papa John’s new whole-wheat pizza crust is nasty.

2. Played Travian. It’s a badass super-slow paced strategy RPG. You should check it out; it’s free and browser-based, so there’s nothing to download.

3. Read Blindness by Jose Saramago. It’s about contagious blindness that sweeps an unnamed city. Everyone goes blind, except one character. The novel reads almost like a zombie story. You can read half of it free on books.google.

4. Watched Red Dawn like 4 times, just because it was on.

5. Avoided anything creative or social. :(

So I’m back now. It might take a while to get back on the horse, so I hope you’ll continue to be patient.

Oh, yeah; West Virginia is full of family trees that don’t fork. Everyone knows that’s true, right? I was born in West Virginia and I’m very likely to be the only person you’ll hear of who’s heritage is Turkish, Sephardic Jewish, Italian and Cherokee. The whole time I lived in the Mountain State, I only knew about one incestuous relationship: two cousins who didn’t realize they were related until a well-hid “family secret” (read: “affair”) was revealed. West Virginians’ closely-grouped chromosomes are a misconception that is perpetuated by certain individuals’ desire to be able to look down on some other group of people. Since it’s generally frowned-upon to base such condescension upon race or religion these days, people like Cheney have been able to exploit a loophole that makes it okay to ridicule people who live in a poor, rural, largely-isolated place like West Virginia (or Mississippi or Maine, etc..)

Nevermind the fact that Dickie-Boy carried WV handily in 2000 and 2004. Nevermind the fact that the state will be hotly-contested this election year. Nevermind the fact that Cheney and his Lackey have turned this great nation on its ear and compltetely destroyed the notion of modern Conservatism. The only thing that matters is that The Vice Prez got to make a cheap joke at the expense of some decent people who didn’t deserve it. I hope it was worth it.

Cheney issued a short apology, but I don’t believe in his sincerity any more than I believed Barack Obama was sorry about his remarks about rural people bitterly clinging to racism, guns and religion. In both cases, I believe these guys let their guard down for a moment and let us know exactly what they thought about the “little people” who go to vocational schools, drive Korean cars and wouldn’t know Beluga caviar from Sevruga caviar.

All-in-all, it’s a pretty dismal state of affairs knowing that we mean very little to the people we vote to represent us. When I’m worth several hundred million dollars, I’ll form a PAC to advocate against politicians like Cheney making flippant remarks like that. (“Advocate” reads as “bribe”, by the way.) I just hope he doesn’t invite me to go duck hunting with him.

* G.I. Joe on Petting Strange Dogs

The National Child Safety Council created several animated PSAs to run at the end of episodes of the G.I. Joe cartoon series back in the 80s. This one cautions youngsters of the dangers of petting animals you don’t know. Admittedly, this is a fairly innocuous subject for badass military functionaries like G.I. Joe to bring up. Perhaps Mutt really wanted to say “you should never pet a strange dog because it’s loaded down with enough C-4 to blow your fuckin’ ass back to Beirut, numbnuts!”, but standards and practices thought it was a little harsh. Anyway, knowing is half the battle.

* Heavy Metal with a Social Conscience

You might look at the shaggy-headed trailer-park residents with the studded bracelets and brown bag-covered Old Crow whiskey bottles hanging out by the old freight rail station and believe them not be very responsible. However, as a shaggy-headed trailer park resident with the bracelets and Old Crow-in-a-bag, I can tell you that nothing can be further than the truth. Why, ever since Black Sabbath did their first radio spots about responsible freebasing, the heavy metal subculture has had a long tradition of reputable media advocacy. Just check out these power-rockin’ PSAs from about 20 years ago.

I’m glad Rob Halford’s community service is working out so well. However, I do feel sorry for the schoolgirl riding off with K. K. Downing at the end. Still, nothing some tetracycline won’t clear up. So, don’t let the needle tracks fool you–we’re upstanding members of the community under the high-tension wires. In fact, when I get my Ad Council grant, I’m going to do a spot on safe methamphetamine mixing and one on overcoming Aqua-Net addiction.

* Bicentennial Celebration

This spot celebrates 200 years of fuckin’ America, man! Playing over a groovy 70s soundtrack, this psychedelic animated ad commemorates the Bicentennial with strobing stars, swirling stripes, flying hamburgers and bald eagles hatching from red, white and blue-colored acorns. It would seem that the United States Information Agency felt that the best way to observe the Bicentennial was to dose some powerful LSD. Tempting, but acid and Soylent Ape don’t get along too well. (Also, it’s more than 30 years too late.)

In recent years, a new subculture has begun to use the medium of punk rock to share its views with like-minded music fans and the world at large. Anarchists? Well, if you paid any attention to punk rock over the last 25 years or so, you’d know that anarchists are already making ideological punk music. Luddites? Well, there is a sizeable acoustic punk scene, but they still use modern means of recording, distribution and conveyance to shows. Washed up, trashy, talentless twenty-something rehab urchins with astoundingly poor judgement? No, but good guess!

The subculture in question is (drumroll, please): “progressive Muslims”! On the surface, the overall historical punk culture might seem at odds with Shari’a Law, the Qur’anical code of muslim conduct, what with all the alcohol and drug consumption, the Anarchic and nihilistic philosophies, casual sex and skepticism of conventions like religion. However, there is a history of movements like “Straightedge” within punk that encourage clean living and virtuous thought (and thinking you’re better than everyone else), while there has been a burgeoning Christian scene in nearly every subgenre of punk music, so perhaps it isn’t such a stretch to see Muslims carving out a musical and philosophical refuge inside punk rock.

In fact, the real opposition often comes not from fellow punks, but from the rigid social and religious institutions within the Islamic community. In recent years, Islamic states like Monaco and Egypt have waged the equivalent of an artistic Jihad against metal and heavy rock music, with fans and artists being censored, imprisoned and/or being attacked by civilians on the street. The contention is that such music is Haram (prohibited by Islam),much like eating pork or committing adultery. Indeed, the Qur’an can be interpreted to say that all melodic or tonal music (music made with instruments other than drums) is Haraam.

Taqwacore (/taqwa/ approximating “piety” or “fear (of God)” in English) is now a worldwide movement from Pakistan to the U. K. to the American heartland, with thousands of adherents and dozens of bands representing it. Often, the rock music is peppered with traditional Middle Eastern and Asian styles. It’s not out of the ordinary to see a taqwacore punk wear a radical hairstyle or mosh, even though there are admonishments about personal adornments and causing “harm” to others, unprovoked. The scene is often characterized by questioning the war in Iraq, the Qur’an’s justification of terrorism, and the narrow interpretation of Shari’a law.

Recently, some of the best-known bands in Islamic punk, embarked on a U. S. summer tour. Led by Boston’s The Kominas, whose shock value song titles include “Rumi was a Homo, but Wahhaj is a Fag” and “I want a Handjob” and Virginia’s Diacritical, the tour was the new style’s first major introduction for much of the country. Now, when can I see some Hare Krishnas starting up a “Wall of Death”!

Sources: Kansas City Star – The Guardian – MSNBC/Newsweek

* Hard Core Logo (1996) This poignant Canadian adaptation of Michael Turner’s novel follows a legendary (fictitious) Vancouver band on a reunion tour that involves, among other things: faking a benefit concert for someone who’s not dead, the schizophrenic bassists involuntary mid-tour lithium holiday and, uh, I think Joey Ramone is in there, too somewhere.

* Metal: A Headbanger’s Journey: Filmmaker/academic Sam Nunn combines his two loves in life (metal music and anthropology) in this documentary which views the evolution of heavy music from a cultural standpoint, featuring deluded groupies, appalling album art and Nordic black metal fans who might possibly be taking themselves a bit too seriously.

*Pink Floyd’s The Wall (1982) Yeah, sure; The Wall is more overwrought than any other film listed here. Is it melodramatic? Ohhh, yes! Pretentious? You bet your sweet ass! Still, in what other film could you see a scene like this:

* Dudes (1987) Director Penelope Spheeris, when not trying to insult heavy metal fans (Wayne’s World, The Decline of Western Civilization Pt. II), has it within her capability to make a decent flick. In this Spheeris film, Jon Cryer, Daniel Roebuck and Flea play squatting-class punks who travel west to escape a sweltering NYC summer, battling a murderous biker gang along the way. Dudes was likely the first (and, probably, only) “punk-western” movie film for an English-speaking audience. (C’mon, you know the Japanese have already made a punk western, a punk romantic comedy, a punk musical, etc.)

Rock ‘n’ Roll High School (1979) While it’s true that The Ramones are to acting, well, what The Ramones are to music, RnRHS is worth a watch for a few reasons. First, it has the “funny-’cuz-it’s-not” vibe of every Roger Corman film. Then, there’s the primo pieces of teenage tail displayed throughout including the lovely P. J. Soles and the even lovelier Dey Young. (I’ve always been a sucker for girls wearing glasses.) Lastly, there’s the charming Cro Magnon rock that The Ramones wrung from their instruments to keep this clunker of a drive-in flick together.

* Velvet Goldmine (1998) So, you have a character who’s a thinly-veiled copy of an early ’70s David Bowie who meets a thinly-veiled copy of an early ’70s Iggy Pop and destruction ensues? Clearly, Velvet Goldmine gets ’0′ points for originality, though it gets several for being the closest film to capturing the flamboyant, excessive spirit of 70s glam rock. Ironically, cross-dressing comic actor Eddie Izzard plays a fairly straight-laced entertainment manager in this one.

* SLC Punk (1998) There’s something about living in an uptight, repressive environment that tends to make some youngsters rebel a little harder–and it doesn’t get more uptight and repressive than it does in Salt Lake City, where Donnie and Marie are considered “rock music” and it’s hard to find a caffeinated soda, let alone a bottle of Jaegermeister. Matthew Lillard (Without a Paddle, Scooby Doo) plays a restless, blue-haired anarchist trying to resist his hometown’s pull to the center.

* Heavy Metal in Baghdad (2007) In a city filled with determined insurgents, perilous checkpoints and deadly IEDs, 4 determined young men meet to conspire and sharpen their deadly skills. However, these are no suicide bombers-in-training–they’re a heavy metal band, much like the ones we have here in the west–except for the incident where mortar fire destroyed their practice space and the whole being -forced-to-write-and-perform-an-anthem-about-a-ruthless-dictator deal. Heavy Metal in Baghdad chronicles the trials of this metal band in their unlikely location.

* Working Class Rock Star (2008) These days, unless you’re a current member of Metallica or a former member of Nirvana, you ain’t gunna make no money in the music industry. You still wanna be a rock star, though–right? Well, how are your typing skills? Sure, if you live in a nanny state like Sweden or Canada, you can suck straight from the tax teet to make ends meet, but the rest of us are going to have to punch the ol’ clock. Working Class Rock Star Follows young artists you might have heard of in bands like Lamb of God, Unearth, Arch Enemy and GWAR to see how they make a living when they’re not getting sucked-off during drum solos. Opens this summer.)

* Purple Rain (1985) Sure, nobody is going to accuse Prince of being a good actor. (Is it still “Prince”, or has he gone back to “Slave” or that symbol again? I enjoyed that.) That being said, Purple Rain captures His Royal Badness at the height of his rock star ego trip, replete with striking visuals, a fairly well-developed storyline and some intense performances. As an unexpected bonus, there’s Morris Day’s performance of one of the great villains in modern cinema

* Heavy Metal Parking Lot (1986) Back in the mid-’80s, two punk/new wave fans borrowed some video equipment and drove over to an arena near Washington, DC. Their mission: to interview the tailgating headbangers waiting to see a Judas Priest/Dokken concert. The results, quite frankly, would make any respectable metalhead cringe. Ugly truths about rock music fans were revealed, with little manipulation on the part of the filmmakers. Warning: mullets, animal prints and seriously jacked-up Camaros are on full display.

* The Filth and the Fury (2000) There have been many Sex Pistols documentaries, but The Filth and the Fury is the definitive one. Free from the influence of the group’s svengali manager, Malcolm McLaren, Filmmaker Julien Temple mixes completely random stock footage, hilarious “Saturday Morning”-style animation and outrageous interviews with the surviving members of the group to put the ‘Pistols in their proper historical context. As you’d expect, John “Johnny Rotten” Lydon steals the film, though more with his genuine honesty and humanity than his trademark antics.

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Masturbate and/or vomit, as nessesary.

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After a couple of minor financial bombs went off in my face, I set out to find ways to downscale my lifestyle. One of the first things I did in accordance was to go to a cheaper barber. I was excited at the prospect of saving $5 over my regular barber.

After years of going through this ritual, I have a pretty good idea of what works for me and how to communicate it to the guy with the shears. “I’d like a number 5 on the sides and back, and 1/2 inch trim on top”, I said. (“Number 5″ refers to the 5th click on the electric trimmer, not a cryptic Beatles reference, although hair professionals usually appreciate my a capella rendition of “I am the Walrus”. Koo-koo-ka-choo.) The elderly barber nodded and set to work. Setting his buzz-cutter to the right position, he made short work of the sides and back of my head.

I’m aware that he did trim my hair on top. It looked a little tall but, then, it always does. (The hair usually lays down after I take a shower.) However, it didn’t this time. Looking in the mirror, I could see that my hair looked almost as long as it did before. To add insult to injury, my closely-cropped sides further accentuate the high-stacked coifs on top. The long, heavy hair sort of spills over on the sides, too, like a shallow mushroom cloud of crude protein fibers. Honestly, it looks like a really bad New-Wave hairdo, or, perhaps like the unfortunate aftermath of several hours of headband-wearing. I feel like I should be playing bass for Loverboy or Billy Squier.

So, now I’m faced with another dilemma: Go and have a barber who knows what he’s doing fix the problem, thereby laying another $12 on top of the $7 I already paid
–or–
Hope that the 2 week rule for bad haircuts holds true.

I believe I’ll take my chances with the second option.

Related posts: Welcome to the Neighborhood - How to be White Trash