Archive for the ‘toys’ Category
The O-Face Game
It’s that time again: Crappy Catalog Season. I hate those tree murdering, mailbox overfillers, but I can’t help flipping through the more colorful ones. Especially Spilsbury. Their products are flimsy crap, but shiny flimsy crap, so that makes it ok. This may be the most awesome novelty game ad ever:
How long can you hang on? Both contestants grab hold of a handle, then prepare for shocks of increasing intensity and duration. Shocking Duel will sort out the men from the boys!
Excuse me?
More crappy posts about shitty gifts:
Jesus Saves … guitar picks? - The Nipple Extractor - The Scat of Luxury - The tiniest Santa
We just switched themes, so expect some complications. Please let us know of any issues.
Give your child the gift of Jesus
DELUXE JESUS ACTION FIGURE
Won’t He be pleased! Read the rest of this entry »
It’s 420 in Poohville
Winnie the Pooh Fort Bunk Bed. Fort Winnie. Say it aloud, kids.
In the original stories, pooh was always looking for his pot.
They added the word “hunny” when they decided to market it to children. *
Photoshop Challenge: Anyone wanna create Tigger’s Tiggerific Methlab? Read the rest of this entry »
Gary Coleman: Model Railroader, Model American
Our brave friend, Zach Action has accepted an assignment.
.
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Gary Coleman is a huge model train enthusiast. If you don’t believe me, you can look it up. Apparently the word “addiction” is appropriate, as he has spent thousands and thousands upon thousands (literally THOUSANDS) of dollars on the hobby. Read the rest of this entry »
All your Lego are belong to Jesus
Maybe the best thing EVER!
http://thebricktestament.com
<– Update again: It’s back up now! YAY!
Bible stories, illustrated with Lego blocks.
Here are some of my favorite photos, taken delightfully out of context:
The five greatest pop culture crimes
Woo hoo! We got us a submission from my hero, A.J. Valliant over at BeatsEntropy.com!
Step up, bitches! -bagel
The five greatest pop culture crimes committed against me, AJ Valliant
I am man deeply attuned with pop culture memes of my generation; perhaps too deeply. You see my judgement and ability to objective distance from subjective experience are poorly formed, stunted even. This has resulted in a great many harms and slights absorbed from an otherwise impersonal medium. Crimes even, committed against me, AJ Valliant, by pop culture.In order of harm caused I give you the top 5.
Lead Toys From China: Murder or Salvation?
When I started planning this post, it was going to be just about stupid product recalls. I saw a recall at Wal-Mart for a kite a couple months back and seriously – how the fuck does a kite cause ‘serious injuries up to and including death?’ Of course, this being Wal-Mart, I wouldn’t put much of anything past the fucking drooling hicks that shop there. I went looking for some information about this and I couldn’t find that kite on the internet, but I did find something just as scary.
China is murdering us.
Slowly but surely, they’re trying to kill each and every one of us. First it was our pets. Then they put antifreeze in our toothpaste. But now it’s something even worse. Even more insidious. They’re trying to kill our children, now.
Our fucking children.
Now, this one is really pissing me off. I mean, I don’t actually get to see my kid that much, but I sure as fuck don’t want him to die at the hands of a Chinese toy company.
How are they accomplishing this nefarious task? Lead fucking paint. Okay, when I was a kid, we’d joke about someone being a retard because they ate paint chips when they were a kid. Ten years from now, they’ll still be making this same joke, but with two big differences. First, it’ll be lead from Chinese toys, and second it won’t be a fucking joke.
About 75% of toys in America come from China, and in a two month span in 2006 over a million fucking toys were recalled due to lead content. These toys include everything from the bullshit found in supermarket vending machines, all the way up to relatively high-end toys and games sold at major retailers like Target.
Let’s look at a few specific items that have been recalled recently.
I dream of eBay with real human hair
Last night I had the most realistic dream I’ve ever suffered. I dreamed I went shopping with my mother.
It was hell.
My mother shops like (an addict, a professional wrestler, an ocd?).
She tries on everything in the store at least three times and buys half of it. Two or three pieces she wears, while the rest feed the moths in her closet.
I shop like a man. I have a plan when I goto the store. I know what I want before I go there. If I want pants, I goto where the store keeps the pants. I hate trying things on, but I have to, as I’m about as good at guessing the right size as a six year old. I do tend to detour towards any clearance racks I may sense, as I do have a vagina.
I’m pretty much a lesbian, except for that whole sexual preference thing.
Don’t get me wrong, I do like pretty things.
I opened a window into eBay to find some examples of pretty things I like, intending to share a few photos of the beautiful things I enjoy (weapons, folk-art, folk-art-weapons). I’ve not eBayed in a while, and was completely unprepared for what I found:
Egg People!
This dude makes celebrity likenesses out of goose-eggs.
Marilyn Monroe, Prince, Captain Picard, Criss Angel, Biggie Smalls, Laurel & Hardy, Anna Nicole Smith, Jay Z, The Pope.
As fine as his art, he also has the wost ever website: iamjohntheeggman.com
Seems there were no American Idol eggs. I wonder if they sold out, or the artist is “above” that._____________
Booby Trap
“This sculpture was throw on a potters wheel. It has a hole in the neck like a vase. This auction is for a “one of a kind” sculpture by Famous artist Ed Drahanchuk. Made in clay a female bust with little man caught in bosom. The Statue is named “Booby Trap”. Comical yet seductive.”Hell yeah! To quote poet/philosopher Dr. Zoidberg, “One art, please.”
I vaguely remember the ’80s
I’ve just turned 30, and nostalgia has grabbed me like teeth on the dorsal nerve.
It seems everywhere I shop, whether it’s the Walmart on University Parkway, the Walmart off Stratford, or the Walmart in K’ville, I’m surrounded by cheap plastic imitations of my favorite childhood toys.
My generation has grown up. Most of us (not me) have small children. What better way to sell plastic crap than to rape our sentimentality?
Last Christmas, I bought my 6 year old niece a Cabbage Patch Doll. When I was 6, it was the best gift ever. Wanna know what? She didn’t care. I tried to explain to her that Cabbage Patch was the coolest hottest toy when I was her age. She still didn’t care. I tried to explain that that my mother had to search every big-box retail giant in 3 counties to get me one. She didn’t care.
What did she really want?
American Girl dolls. X-box games. A better iPod. An HD dvd player.
It’s her daddy’s job to get her gifts she likes. I, as her auntie, will give her whatever I feel like.
I do my holiday shopping early, so that I can take advantage of bargains. Also, so I can play with the toys for 6 months before I have to give them away.
Here’s what I’m thinking I’d most enjoy playing with (er, I mean, give to the kids in my family).
G.I. Joe Agent Scarlett
The girl G.I. Joe!
I’m probably the only straight chick with a big metal box of original G.I. Joes.
Mine aren’t worth anything, tho, as I play with them regularly.
Rainbow Brite
Ok, so I’m a little bit girlie.
Also, G.I. Joe likes big women.
Rubik’s Cube
I was 7 when my older brother got one of these. I solved it first try.
Upon getting my own, I rearranged its stickers, swapping them out with those of his, as to make it unsolvable.
You probably already knew that I’m a bitch, right?
Teddy Ruxpin
I hated this stupid toy.
I think I may enjoy it more now.
My dear husband tells me he broke his sister’s Ruxpin by playing a Slayer cassette in it.
The bear’s mouth opened wide, as if to sing, and froze.
GoBots
The poor kid’s alternative to Transformers.
I’d take 2 GoBots over one overpriced Transformer any decade.
My Little Pony
Weren’t these supposed to be scented?
They always smelled like petroleum distillates to me.
I hated these stupid things, almost as much as I hate real horses.
Easy Bake Oven
Great for torturing naughty army men.
Crown Royal Whiskey Velvet Bag
I was well into my teens before I realized this was not an appropriate toy for children.
I used them as pocketbooks.
So….which is your favorite?
