Straight Woman’s Guide To Bedding A Gay Man

I offered Deviant  an assignment. Can’t believe he actually did it.
      Jesse & Soy, you boys better step up!     -bagel

With modern men and women increasingly branching out into alternate mating lifestyle choices, many women I’ve encountered ((coughBagelcough)) have asked me what it takes for a woman to bed a gay man.

I can’t say I blame women. Gay men clean their asses, work-out, have bigger penises, and have an extra bone in our skulls that make us adept at Language and tongue-action.

I know some of you watched that this scene from The Opposite of Sex

But sadly this isn’t going to happen. You can’t get the hunky gay guy…..hell I can’t even get the hunky gay guy!! Nobody gets him except other hunky gay guys, and they usually get him with Crystal Meth at some gay orgy.

So I begrudgingly will relate to you my tips on how a woman can bed a gay man.

1) Know your gays.

Making MySpace useful

Yes, bloggers. There is a use for myspace.

Aside from all the trojan-infested ringtones you can download, myspace is a great image host.

Confessions of a pizza delivery girl

I put myself through college delivering your damn pizza, and I learned more from those jobs than I ever did in class.

1. We judge you: You think you already know this. You have no fucking idea. We don’t even look at your pie. We know an internet addict from a working mom before we even pull into the driveway. We sum you up on delivery, and exaggerate the story on our way back to the store. By the time your profile is shared with our fellow drivers, it would make your whore of a grandmother cry.
2. We don’t want a slice of your pie : Any driver who has been on the job longer than 2 weeks can’t fucking stand the smell of pizza. It’s permeated his/her hair, clothes, car upholstery. A shower does not take the stench away. Do not offer your driver a slice. Do, however, offer adult beverages and illicit substances.
3. We don’t remember your tip : Unless you order everyday, or your tip is extravagantly large, or a gooseegg, we aren’t going to remember it. We won’t spit in your pizza next month because you only tipped 5%.
4. How to get your pie spit in : Live a long ass way from the curb. Have alot of stairs to haul our asses up. Be better than us. Pay us in change.
5. We don’t want your coupon : Every place I’ve ever worked didn’t require the coupon. Don’t bother giving it to us unless we ask. We just wad them up, throw them on the floor of our cars.
6. Your driver is probably stoned : Unless we’re broke. If your driver doesn’t look stoned, please tip well, so s/he can get *well*
7. Your nudity : We see alot of it. Customers think they’re being outrageous, doing something noone has done before, shocking us. Frankly, in an 8hour shift, we’ve seen at least 2 customers in the all together. Don’t flash, unless you’re hot. Or have weed.
8. I am not new : If your driver tells you she is new, she is probably lying. We learn on our first day that “I’m sorry, I’m new” covers a multitude of sins, and normally nets a fat tip. If I was running late, the pizza didn’t survive the trip, or just wanted some sympathy, “I’m new”.
9. We work really fucking hard : It’s a difficult job. Late pizzas usually aren’t our fault, but we get bitched. Incomplete orders usually aren’t our fault, but we get bitched. People are assholes. Be nice to your driver