Warm fuzzies crawlin’ all over me

In a pitiful attempt to win our favor, loyal ЯR participant Keywork has written a cloying review of our beloved website. It seems he’s such a big ass-suck fan, he could do nothing but praise our groundbreaking family website. Enjoy, friends! 

You Can Have My Ration.

Ration Reality. I stumbled upon this incoherent, slimy sac of anal seepage a few months ago. And I can tell you this: don’t visit this blog, Bagel has syphilis. Yes, the editor, Bagel of Everything, has syphilis. Frat boys beware. Never in my life have I ever read such horrible propaganda. Let’s look:

9 movies that suck…

9 movies that suck but you have to see them anyway because everyone else has and you’ll never know what people are talking about unless you suffer through them

1. Men in Black

Ever pull the wing off a fly? Care to see the fly get even?

Oh noes! There are aliens living among us, being all allegorical about race relations! Someone call the Mib Squad: The first, last, and only line of defense against the most ham-fisted metaphors in the universe!

2. Titanic
The unsinkable ship is sinking! Fortunately, I have a doctorate in applied physics and have spent years calculating the specific counter-intuitive actions that will save us from just such an event! (later…) Oh, sweet forced irony! I died anyway!

The Boss Hoss: Welcome to Trashville

ЯR             Oktober’s Official Band: The Boss Hoss             ЯR

The BossHoss: “Country Trash Punk Rock.”

After 15 years of playing and recording in rock ‘n’ roll bands, and another 3 writing about rock ‘n’ roll bands, it’s tempting to say that I’ve pretty much seen all the weirdness you could ascribe to rock ‘n’ roll bands, but then I saw The BossHoss…

The Boss Hoss plays a raucous, countrified style of punk-a-billy rock. Nothing new there. Cow-punk had its day 20 years ago with X and Lone Justice. Fair enough. What about the fact that most of their repertoire consists of bizarre hick-rock covers of popular songs like Nelly’s “Hot in Heere”, Ministry’s “Jesus Built my Hotrod” and Cameo’s “Word Up”. To make it still more intriguing, they somehow convinced one of the world’s biggest record labels to get on board with them. Oh, and they’re not from Nashville or Bakersfield–they’re from Germany!

Ja. Dieser band kommt aus Deutschland, y’all.

Looking at it all on paper, this could either be total fucking win or the absolute worst band ever to disgrace a stage.

Resident Evil: Putting the STINK in Extinction

Resident Evil:Extinction is not a good film.

 
With Sony product placements outnumbering gratuitous nipple shots,
this movie was worse than the home movie of my first big-kid poops.

A suburban housewife’s guide to mid-90′s gangsta rap music

Alright, ladies. Before delving into the realms of true gangsta rap, we need to familiarize ourselves with a few key terms. Dictionary.com is a fine source of reference for such an endeavor.

gangsta (gāng’sta) n, adj
(Black English) a member of a youth gang

rap (rāp) n. Slang
A talk, conversation, or discussion.
A form of popular music developed especially in African-American urban communities and characterized by spoken or chanted rhyming lyrics with a strong rhythmic accompaniment.
A composition or performance of such music.

nigga n., [nig-ga]
(ethnic slur) extremely offensive name for a colored person; [syn: negro]

Concert Notes: The Bruce Willis Blues Band – Tachi Palace Casino

My wife has never met a slot machine that she didn’t like. Sadly, her love is very nearly always unrequited.

Her love does, however, occasionally get us free shit. It’s been a while – 8 or 9 months – since we’d been to Tachi Palace, as it’s quite a drive to get there for us, and because quite frankly it sucks. But, the other day we received a voucher in the mail for free tickets to see the Bruce Willis Blues Band perform live. There would be complimentary beverages and food offered, so that was quite a selling point.

The Sudoku of the Flying Toilet Brush Holder

Reviews taken from Amazon.

The 2007-2012 Outlook for Bathroom Toilet Brushes and Holders in Greater China This study covers the latent demand outlook for bathroom toilet brushes and holders across the regions of Greater China, including provinces, autonomous regions (Guangxi, Nei Mongol, Ningxia, Xinjiang, Xizang – Tibet), municipalities (Beijing, Chongqing, Shanghai, and Tianjin), special administrative regions (Hong Kong and Macau), and Taiwan (all hereafter referred to as “regions”). Please kill me. Latent demand (in millions of U.S. dollars), or potential industry earnings (P.I.E.) estimates are given across some 1,100 cities in Greater China. For each major city in question, the percent share the city is of the region and of Greater China is reported. Each major city is defined as an area of “economic population”, as opposed to the demographic population within a legal geographic boundary. Take away all my pain. For many cities, the economic population is much larger that the population within the city limits; this is especially true for the cities of the Western regions. For the coastal regions, cities which are close to other major cities or which represent, by themselves, a high percent of the regional population, actual city-level population is closer to the economic population (e.g. in Beijing). Please for the love of God, just fucking kill me. Based on this “economic” definition of population, comparative benchmarks allow the reader to quickly gauge a city’s marketing and distribution value vis-à-vis others. This exercise is quite useful…

The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster CAN I GET A “RAMEN” FROM THE CONGREGATION?! Behold the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today’s fastest growing carbohydrate-based religion. According to church founder Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: the Flying Spaghetti Monster. What drives the FSM’s devout followers, a.k.a. Pastafarians? Some say it’s the assuring touch from the FSM’s “noodly appendage.” Then there are those who love the worship service, which is conducted in pirate talk and attended by congregants in dashing buccaneer garb. Still others are drawn to the Church’s flimsy moral standards, religious holidays every Friday, or the fact that Pastafarian heaven is way cooler: Does your heaven have a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano? Intelligent Design has finally met its match–and it has nothing to do with apes or the Olive Garden of Eden. Within these pages, Bobby Henderson outlines the true facts– dispelling such malicious myths as evolution (“only a theory”), science (“only a lot of theories”), and whether we’re really descended from apes (fact: Humans share 95 percent of their DNA with chimpanzees, but they share 99.9 percent with pirates!)

Fluorescent Nazi Bunnies in Variant Sexual Practices

Some light reading.
All reviews taken from Amazon.com.

SS & M: Being excerpts from the Nazi Death-Head files Jordann Smith, THE BISHOP OF GRUNEWALD: A TALE FROM THE DUNGEON. “Maltese channels the Marquis de Sade for this one! Painfully good reading!”Book Description THERE ARE SECRETS! Jews, like Marta and Megan, know them. THE FATHERLAND DEMANDS THEM! Nazis, like SS Colonel Saber and Major Sonnenburg, want to know them, have to know them, see not knowing them as a threat to the purity of the Aryan nation. NO ONE CAN STAND IN THE WAY! That Jews like Melissa (“M”) haven’t got a clue makes no difference at all to Nazi Captain Stahlhelm, who thinks she does. ANY AND ALL MEANS ARE JUSTIFIED! There’s a plague loose within civilized society that needs to be ferreted out and destroyed. Anyone who stands in the way of the Final Solution will be eliminated-with prejudice! HEIL HITLER! Bagel note: What in the holy fuck?!

How To Pick Up Japanese Chicks And Doom Your Immortal Soul This brave, occasionally moving and often hilarious memoir traces Muggins’s relationships with Japanese women over the course of two decades. Few books set in contemporary Asian societies have been as successful at pulling the reader into the cultural milieu and making the foreign familiar. The author protests perhaps too strongly that How to Pick Up Japanese Chicks. should not be mistaken for a self-help manual. In fact the smiles, the belly-laughs, the wistful there but for the grace of God go I nodding that every page elicits testify that it is the best sort of therapy for anyone suffering from relationship fatigue anywhere, anytime.

Craptain Jack and the Shmees

 Official Band of Ration Reality

 

Getting To Know…

Craptain Jack and The Schmees

By Jody E. Wilson

And by “get to know”, I mean you’re gonna get to know stuff you could figure out with a cheap Dell, dial-up and 4th grade education. These guys are funnier than Molly Hatchet and twice as talented. They and many others probably consider them to be a “joke” band but that would be selling them short… shorter than I am compared to their singer, Craptain Jack, who must be 8’ 11”. I won’t be so insulting as to tell you the band’s theme but I’ll give you a hint: it rhymes with “pirate”. My favorite track has to be “Rippin’ a Fot”, a jazzy butt-rock number that chugs along like a hooker on crank. These guys are from below the Mason-Dixon line but don’t discount their intellects based only on that. After all, my boss is a redneck, too. Jolly fucking ho.

Books that exist

A list of 6 books I’d read, if I read books.
These are linked up to Amazon, where sample chapters are available free for many of them.

White Trash Etiquette: The Definitive Guide to Upscale Trailer Park Manners White Trash Etiquette contains everything you need to know to live like decent trash, including: The proper way to fake a back injury How to prevent your in-laws from stealing the silverware at wedding receptions The Ten Hottest White Trash Career Opportunities How to improve your drunk-driving skills Sound advice on everything from lying to your boss to making your next convenience-store robbery fun for the whole family There’s also troubleshooting for troublemakers: I’m getting married; can I still wear white if I’m a tramp? Can chicks ever really respect an accountant? How do I pick a good bail bondsman? How can I get my 14-year-old cousin unpregnant? And much more.

The Art of Auto-fellatio: Oral Sex for One The ultimate in safe sex — self-performed oral pleasure at any hour of the day! If you’ve ever dreamed about this practice, this book can make your fantasy a reality.  It’s both a fascinating examination of social perceptions and cultural mores, and a guide to specifics. The response to Gary Griffin’s first groundbreaking book, Penis Enlargement Methods: Fact and Phallusy was so enthusiastic that his readers asked for more, prompting research in other related areas. This eventually resulted in a complete catalog of thirteen books. The goal is to take the mystery and taboo out of male sexuality and to help every man by providing factual information about his body and its function. As the Executive Director of the American Academy of Phalloplasty Surgeons, Gary Griffin witnessed an amazing increase in interest in the subject of male sexuality that shows no signs of abating.