Pringles Can Designer Buried in Pringles Can

(Cincinnati) Chemist/inventor Fredric J. Baur passed away last month at the age of 89. As a food storage/quality control expert for the Proctor and Gamble corporation, Baur designed the tubular packaging for Pringles, the bizarre, potato-like snack food product. Baur filed to patent the design in 1966. Apparently, Baur was pretty proud of his creation, because he requested that his family bury a portion of his ashes in a Pringles can. I guess that once you pop, you really can’t stop.

Fred Baur at ’06 World Cup Finals

Vice President Jokes about Incest

Vice President Dick Cheney has once again lived up to his first name. It happened Sunday at the National Press Club on Monday, Jun 2, where Cheney was congratulating the winners of the Gerald R. Ford Journalism Prizes for Distinguished Reporting on the Presidency. When responding to a reporter’s inquiry about his family tree, Cheney noted that he had relatives named “Cheney” in both his father’s and mother’s families. To drive his pointless point home, Cheney made an attempt at “humor” (something a guy like Cheney shouldn’t be trying to do, anyway) which thoroughly pissed-many of the residents of a key state in the ’08 Presidential race. The exact quote: “So I had Cheneys on both sides of the family and we don’t even live in West Virginia!” Quickly, Cheney jovially qualified his statement, saying “You can say these things when you’re not running for re-election.” Really? Thanks for clearing that up, asshole.

I said Mosque, not Mosh

Giving a New Meaning to the Term “Bombtrack”

In recent years, a new subculture has begun to use the medium of punk rock to share its views with like-minded music fans and the world at large. Anarchists? Well, if you paid any attention to punk rock over the last 25 years or so, you’d know that anarchists are already making ideological punk music. Luddites? Well, there is a sizeable acoustic punk scene, but they still use modern means of recording, distribution and conveyance to shows. Washed up, trashy, talentless twenty-something rehab urchins with astoundingly poor judgement? No, but good guess!

The subculture in question is (drumroll, please): “progressive Muslims”

Five Reasons to NOT See a Gynecologist Immediately

Two weeks ago, FoxNews.com released a list of 5 Reasons to See a Gynecologist Immediately.

1. Painful blister-like lesions on the vagina or rectal areas
2. Significant vaginal bleeding
3. Sudden, intense belly pain
4. Post menopausal bleeding.
5. New breast lump 

Thanks for that, Fox. I’m sure there’s someone out there who didn’t know. Like this girl, or maybe these ladies.

The internet is awash with reasons to see your doctor. No one ever talks about when to leave your doctor the hell alone. We here at ЯR aren’t in bed with the AMA, and welcome frivolous lawsuits. Just because I have no medical training doesn’t mean I can’t make up medical advice that will probably kill you.

Five Reasons to Leave Your Gynecologist The Hell Alone:

1. Rhythmic abdominal cramping followed by the excretion of a screaming, writhing lump of tissue: It’s nothing. Wrap it in plastic bags and bury it in your backyard. Your maternal instinct will tell you to toss it in a dumpster — don’t do this. As an avid viewer of CSI, I know the dumpster-method never ends well.

Italy Gripped by Wave of Hypnotic Crime

Hypnotist Gives New Meaning to Phrase “Italian Job”

At times, checkout counters can have a hypnotic effect on us. There’s a rack of tabloid gossip rags shouting in our faces. The dissonant screams and bellows of kids that create waveforms that turn our minds inside-out. There’s the elderly lady in front of the line who’s trying to haggle the cashier over a dented soup tin and the scary revelation of just how many types of gum there are. No wonder our brains try to take us away from the horror of it all.

To wit, a customer in Italy is trying to further enhance the otherworldly checkout experience for his own fun and profit. Closed Circuit Television footage taken from a supermarket and a bank in Italy’s Marche region have shown a patron placing tellers into a suggestive hypnotic state and defrauding them of hundreds of Euros each. So effective was the trance that many of the employees didn’t realize what had happened until they were ready to count their tills at the end of their shifts.

Stolen Beer Suit

 
Michigan Police Search for Stolen Beer Costume

Detroit–Metro cops are uniting behind a heinous case the likes of which haven’t been seen in the notorious city before. Could they be investigating a septuple-homicide on the west end? A massive drug ring? A serial arsonist? Nahhh! This is Detroit we’re talking about. There aren’t enough police resources in the whole department to handle all the “serious” crimes that happen in this unfortunate city, plus the cops there know that those things usually take care of themselves, anyway.

Belfast pizzaria sues food critic

Irish Pizzaria’s Libel Award Against Food Critic Overturned.

Belfast–The proprietor of an Irish restaurant who won a libel suit against a newspaper has seen his award overturned by The Court of Appeal in Northern Ireland. Lord Chief Justice Sir Brian Kerr overturned the lower court’s ruling, which had become a landmark case among the UK press.

More than 7 years ago, restaurant critic Caroline Workman reviewed Goodfellas restaurant for The Irish News. Her commentary on the Goodfellas dining experience was less-than-flattering, referring to the eatery as “joyless” and “smoky”. Scathing! Some others of Workman’s assertaions: “The staff have no more time to be involved with their customers than those in a motorway cafe” and “Our main courses arrived in as much time as it took the chef in view to rip open three blue industrial-size bags of processed cheese.”

The South(ern Suburb) Rises Again

Military Relics Dealers are the New Meth Labs

Nearly 150 years after it ended, the American Civil War has most likely claimed its final casually. In mid-February, a loud blast echoed through the city of Chester, VA. Following the concussion, police found Samuel H. White, aged 53, dead in his backyard. Later, they learned that White was a Civil War relic dealer whose inventory included various munitions, including high caliber bullets, cannonballs and even artillery shells. Mr. White was apparently attempting to disarm a Civil War-era shell when it went off. White’s website (currently offline, but archives are available here), stated White had disabled some 500 Civil War rounds for sale “and (I) still have all my fingers (I must be doing something right, knock on wood)!”

Tax Hike for Jim Jones

County Assessor Hikes Resident’s Tax Value.
Property Owner Alleges Selective Retaliation.

Morgantown, WV– A property owner claims his recent assessment and property tax hike is unfair. Well, most of us would be prone to think that. However, this particular tax increased from $300 to nearly $4,700, or over 1,500%. Also, it happened shortly after Monongalia county Chief Deputy Assessor Bill Perry allegedly offered to buy the property and was turned down.

Baseball Team Looks to Fat Guys to Save Franchise

MLB Team Thinks Fat Male Cheerleaders will Bring in the Fans!

Miami– So, you have a team with a championship history, a growing home city with several major sports franchises with which to compete and the lowest attendance in the league. If you were part of the management braintrust charged with turning the team around, what would you do? Angle to trade for a “big name” player? Involve your players in various high-profile community activitities? Well, if you’re calling the shots for the Florida Marlins, you already have the answer!

The Marlins have put out the call for a highly-skilled, military drill-precision company of portly guys to act as cheerleaders. Ba-da Bing! Why didn’t I think of this when I was GM of the Pirates? (The Blanton Middle School Pirates, that is.) I always say, “Nothing puts butts in $85 seats on blisteringly-hot, stiflingly humid days like sweaty guys with beer guts doing a coordinated dance number to “Who Let the Dogs Out”!