Is this really the best we can do?

We got tagged. Fuck you very much, WPMB!

I think I’m supposed to list our 5 best posts. I’m not really sure, as I didn’t actually read it. We’re a 3 person team, so we’ve each chosen the best of our own work, plus one of our comics and a contributor post.

• The Bagel of Everything: J.D. Salinger is Naked
• Jesse Custer: Chocolate Soldier
• Soylent Ape: Hip-Hop Hitler
• RationReality Comics: Mommy, am I going to hell?
• Contributor: Freedom of Speech Strikes Back by Deviant

Jesus Gave My Pee Pee a Mouth Hug

If Discouragement Kitten wasn’t a girl, and also a kitten, I’d make sweet sweet snowballs with him/her/it.  If you folks aren’t reading DK’s blog, I don’t think I like you anymore.

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Discouragement Kitten

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Question:
i have a recuring fantasy where I am being raped by jesus while mohammad is holding my legs apart. Vishnu and Buddha are taking pictures for their sick site dirtybitch.com. I feel useless and spent after it is over but at the same time scarily aroused by the fact all these gods (or their prophets) want my man bits.

am i gay/wrong for this?

Answer:
Dear Wrong Gayman:

I don’t know if you’re gay, but you’re definitely wrong – and not for the reasons you think. Really, this fantasy is all screwed up and lacks basic elements of creativity, surprise and logic. You have the characters in roles they don’t belong in – everything – from the top down is just a gayfuckingmess.

First of all, lets discuss the positions you’ve slotted your prophets into.

Jesus – Rapist
Mohammed – Accomplice to rape – forcefully holding your legs apart
Vishnu/Buddha – Pornographic photographers

Jesus was a turn the other ass cheek kinda guy. Mohammed is more action oriented – you could swing it around having Jesus hold your legs (this is a more passive aggressive action – I think much more inline with the psychology of Jesus. I mean really – the turn the other cheek mentality really is just a mechanism for making the person that’s committed an injustice towards you feel bad.) Mohammed would probably be more inclined towards penetration in this fantasy – he could impregnate you with Islam if you will.

Charity Orgy at the Aids Factory: Film at 10

Big Gay Pride Orgy, tonight 10pm.

Admission is $20, but if you’re hott I imagine you can get your STDs for free. All profits go to charity, naturally.

Check out this email I got from an equally disgusted anonymous source, who also informs me that the building is known to locals as “The Aids Factory”, inspired by its lovely graffiti.

The Sudoku of the Flying Toilet Brush Holder

Reviews taken from Amazon.

The 2007-2012 Outlook for Bathroom Toilet Brushes and Holders in Greater China This study covers the latent demand outlook for bathroom toilet brushes and holders across the regions of Greater China, including provinces, autonomous regions (Guangxi, Nei Mongol, Ningxia, Xinjiang, Xizang – Tibet), municipalities (Beijing, Chongqing, Shanghai, and Tianjin), special administrative regions (Hong Kong and Macau), and Taiwan (all hereafter referred to as “regions”). Please kill me. Latent demand (in millions of U.S. dollars), or potential industry earnings (P.I.E.) estimates are given across some 1,100 cities in Greater China. For each major city in question, the percent share the city is of the region and of Greater China is reported. Each major city is defined as an area of “economic population”, as opposed to the demographic population within a legal geographic boundary. Take away all my pain. For many cities, the economic population is much larger that the population within the city limits; this is especially true for the cities of the Western regions. For the coastal regions, cities which are close to other major cities or which represent, by themselves, a high percent of the regional population, actual city-level population is closer to the economic population (e.g. in Beijing). Please for the love of God, just fucking kill me. Based on this “economic” definition of population, comparative benchmarks allow the reader to quickly gauge a city’s marketing and distribution value vis-à-vis others. This exercise is quite useful…

The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster CAN I GET A “RAMEN” FROM THE CONGREGATION?! Behold the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today’s fastest growing carbohydrate-based religion. According to church founder Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: the Flying Spaghetti Monster. What drives the FSM’s devout followers, a.k.a. Pastafarians? Some say it’s the assuring touch from the FSM’s “noodly appendage.” Then there are those who love the worship service, which is conducted in pirate talk and attended by congregants in dashing buccaneer garb. Still others are drawn to the Church’s flimsy moral standards, religious holidays every Friday, or the fact that Pastafarian heaven is way cooler: Does your heaven have a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano? Intelligent Design has finally met its match–and it has nothing to do with apes or the Olive Garden of Eden. Within these pages, Bobby Henderson outlines the true facts– dispelling such malicious myths as evolution (“only a theory”), science (“only a lot of theories”), and whether we’re really descended from apes (fact: Humans share 95 percent of their DNA with chimpanzees, but they share 99.9 percent with pirates!)

Butt sex hurts lady bloggers

 Since 6th grade, my boyfriends have been wanting to stick it in my pooper. I’ll be the first to admit: I was a slutty adolescent. However, I reached no impossible level of sluttitude that my 13 year old pussy shouldn’t have been adequate, even for the most pencil dicked quarterback.