Books that Exist: Rejuvenation and Unveiled Hidden Phenix

 

Rejuvenation and Unveiled Hidden Phenix:
Carlos Castaneda Shamanism Plus Alpha After His Death

(Yes, that’s Phenix. WTF is a phenix? Is that anything like a phoenix?)

 Hiroyuki Nishigaki is the author of four books in Japanese, including How to Attain Silent Knowledge. A female inorganic ally gave the author the ability of space travel at age of 10 and 56. His first space travel was at the age of 56.

Check out these excerpts: 

Foreigners are Weird – Bizarre Commercials Vol. 1

Weird Foreign Commercials

There’s a wide, wild world out there, and we are but a part of it. The cultural applications and nuances of some societies are often different and difficult for outsiders to grasp. This is a given.

When we visit a foreign land, we expect to see foreign things–things we won’t try to understand. Then there are the things we wish to Heaven that we did understand, because the strange imagery we’ve seen will cause us to question our very existence unless we can get an explanation. With that in mind, here are some seriously fucked-up commercials from all over the world. Watch at your own risk.

WTF Films: A Wicked Deception

In the spirit of international brotherhood, the dialogue for the following film has been translated from English
into French, then into German, then back into French, then back into English using a popular translation website.

It’s like totally Shakespearian.

Perturbed by Inoperative Penile Metaphors

 Advice from Discouragement Kitten

Question:
Dear DK,

I have a secret job as an English tutor (Shhh, don’t tell the government!) and I recently started tutoring a guy whose preferred nickname translates badly… he wants me to call him Horse (his real name is something complicated in Korean), but his last name is Hwang. Now, sure I don’t call him “Horse Hwang” every time I talk to him, but the whole phrase sort of hangs in my head whenever I meet up with him and it really makes me want to giggle. Should I mention to him that the nickname sounds dirty in English before he starts using it all over the place or just ignore it and learn to stop snickering to myself about it?

Thanks,
Perturbed by Inoperative Penile Metaphors

The Sudoku of the Flying Toilet Brush Holder

Reviews taken from Amazon.

The 2007-2012 Outlook for Bathroom Toilet Brushes and Holders in Greater China This study covers the latent demand outlook for bathroom toilet brushes and holders across the regions of Greater China, including provinces, autonomous regions (Guangxi, Nei Mongol, Ningxia, Xinjiang, Xizang – Tibet), municipalities (Beijing, Chongqing, Shanghai, and Tianjin), special administrative regions (Hong Kong and Macau), and Taiwan (all hereafter referred to as “regions”). Please kill me. Latent demand (in millions of U.S. dollars), or potential industry earnings (P.I.E.) estimates are given across some 1,100 cities in Greater China. For each major city in question, the percent share the city is of the region and of Greater China is reported. Each major city is defined as an area of “economic population”, as opposed to the demographic population within a legal geographic boundary. Take away all my pain. For many cities, the economic population is much larger that the population within the city limits; this is especially true for the cities of the Western regions. For the coastal regions, cities which are close to other major cities or which represent, by themselves, a high percent of the regional population, actual city-level population is closer to the economic population (e.g. in Beijing). Please for the love of God, just fucking kill me. Based on this “economic” definition of population, comparative benchmarks allow the reader to quickly gauge a city’s marketing and distribution value vis-à-vis others. This exercise is quite useful…

The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster CAN I GET A “RAMEN” FROM THE CONGREGATION?! Behold the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (FSM), today’s fastest growing carbohydrate-based religion. According to church founder Bobby Henderson, the universe and all life within it were created by a mystical and divine being: the Flying Spaghetti Monster. What drives the FSM’s devout followers, a.k.a. Pastafarians? Some say it’s the assuring touch from the FSM’s “noodly appendage.” Then there are those who love the worship service, which is conducted in pirate talk and attended by congregants in dashing buccaneer garb. Still others are drawn to the Church’s flimsy moral standards, religious holidays every Friday, or the fact that Pastafarian heaven is way cooler: Does your heaven have a Stripper Factory and a Beer Volcano? Intelligent Design has finally met its match–and it has nothing to do with apes or the Olive Garden of Eden. Within these pages, Bobby Henderson outlines the true facts– dispelling such malicious myths as evolution (“only a theory”), science (“only a lot of theories”), and whether we’re really descended from apes (fact: Humans share 95 percent of their DNA with chimpanzees, but they share 99.9 percent with pirates!)

Endangered Pleasures, Sex, Shit, and Yo Momma

4 more books I’d read, if I read books.

See Also: Books that exist

	How to Good-Bye Depression: If You Constrict Anus 100 Times Everyday. Malarkey? or Effective Way? I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession everyday is effective to good-bye depression and take back youth. You can do so at a boring meeting or in a subway. I have known 70-year-old man who has practiced it for 20 years. As a result, he has good complexion and has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle. He is full of vigor, happiness and joy. He has neither complained nor born a grudge under any circumstance. Furthermore, he can make love three times in succession without drawing out. In addition, he also can have burned a strong beautiful fire within his abdomen. It can burn out the dirty stickiness of his body, release his immaterial fiber or third attention which has been confined to his stickiness. Then, he can shoot out his immaterial fiber or third attention to an object, concentrate on it and attain happy lucky feeling through the success of concentration. If you don’t know concentration which gives you peculiar pleasure, your life looks like a hell.
	Endangered Pleasures: In Defense of Naps, Bacon, Martinis, Profanity, and Other Indulgences First cigars and gin topped the list. Then red meat, Cadillacs, coffee with caffeine, and sleeping late all began to edge toward extinction. Barbara Holland makes an impassioned defense of life’s little pleasures in a book that will entertain diehard sinners, comfort the secretly licentious, and encourage those who just need a little nudge to abandon jogging and no-fat salad dressing. “Perhaps it’s a good time to reconsider pleasure at its roots,” declares Holland (Secrets of the Cat), introducing this collection of entertaining, genteel meditations. As the subtitle hints, the author, living in the Virginia countryside, is no sybaritic renegade but a woman who can find happiness in antinomies like “Working” and “Not Working,” “Buying Things” and “Saving Money,” and “Going Out” and “Staying In.” She writes with conversational ease, and some observations linger: To the miserly, “a penny spent is a penny mourned”; mail is “one of life’s small recurring pleasures”; sports, “unlike life, are played according to rules.” Holland even reveals that she drives without using her seat belt. Illustrations.
	A Portrait of Yo Mama as a Young Man Yo mama sucks. For years, everyone has talked about yo mama, pointing out her failings in important areas such as appearance, mental capacity, and weight. Now, two researchers and retired sewer cartographers have spent over a decade investigating yo mama, assembling a wide range of evidence against her. They stalked, photographed, and studied the horrible woman who brought you into this world—yo mama—then compiled their findings. Here is some of the evidence you will find in A PORTRAIT OF YO MAMA AS A YOUNG MAN: yo mama’s résumé, her last will and testament, her internet searches, personals she has placed, e-mails yo mama wrote to you while you were in college, and numerous charts and graphs. From this thorough and authoritative work you will learn facts such as: Yo mama says “comprised” when she means “composed,” as in, “I am comprised mostly of grease and sugar.” Yo mama’s so lupine, she chases rabbits. I had sex with yo mama and it was horrible. Just a horrible, horrible time. If nervous tics were pizzas, yo mama would have five pizzas that freak everybody out.