Prodigy: A suicide note

 

Is it wrong to write fictional suicide notes for fun?

I have a new lamp

I awoke this morning to find a lamp sitting in my livingroom next to my front door.

It’s kind of a nice lamp, I guess: a white paper lantern on a tall black pole.

Where did it come from? I’ve never seen this lamp in my life. Did I steal it in my sleep? Did I buy it? I’ve not bought a new lamp in like… hell, I’ve never bought a new lamp!

Anyone missing a lamp?

Oh, and kids… The comic is late. Jesse, the artist, has been ill. Goto his page and taunt him. He won’t be able to defend himself for days!

Jesus Gave My Pee Pee a Mouth Hug

If Discouragement Kitten wasn’t a girl, and also a kitten, I’d make sweet sweet snowballs with him/her/it.  If you folks aren’t reading DK’s blog, I don’t think I like you anymore.

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Discouragement Kitten

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Question:
i have a recuring fantasy where I am being raped by jesus while mohammad is holding my legs apart. Vishnu and Buddha are taking pictures for their sick site dirtybitch.com. I feel useless and spent after it is over but at the same time scarily aroused by the fact all these gods (or their prophets) want my man bits.

am i gay/wrong for this?

Answer:
Dear Wrong Gayman:

I don’t know if you’re gay, but you’re definitely wrong – and not for the reasons you think. Really, this fantasy is all screwed up and lacks basic elements of creativity, surprise and logic. You have the characters in roles they don’t belong in – everything – from the top down is just a gayfuckingmess.

First of all, lets discuss the positions you’ve slotted your prophets into.

Jesus – Rapist
Mohammed – Accomplice to rape – forcefully holding your legs apart
Vishnu/Buddha – Pornographic photographers

Jesus was a turn the other ass cheek kinda guy. Mohammed is more action oriented – you could swing it around having Jesus hold your legs (this is a more passive aggressive action – I think much more inline with the psychology of Jesus. I mean really – the turn the other cheek mentality really is just a mechanism for making the person that’s committed an injustice towards you feel bad.) Mohammed would probably be more inclined towards penetration in this fantasy – he could impregnate you with Islam if you will.

Friends with Knives

Last night I dreamed that I had a friend who worked at a disposable plastic utensil factory. She brought me a case of reject knives that had been made too sharp. They were sharp indeed, like Ginzu sharp.

I wish I had a friend like that. It would be awesome.

The possible spoon malformities have amused me all day.

You Are a Pinky

You are fiercely independent, and possibly downright weird. A great communicator, you can get along with almost anyone. You are kind and sympathetic. You support all your friends – and love them for who they are. You get along well with: The Ring Finger. Stay away from: The Thumb

What Finger Are You?

-bagel

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-random- -submit- -comic- -technorati- -del.icio.us- -digg it!-

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How to be a failure

You’ve probably seen them: the miserable wage slaves, the crushed non-starters, the people whom we can tell have abandoned any vestige of hope. Indeed, failures are all around us! You’ve probably even asked yourself “how can I become so miserably put-upon, myself?” Well, your days of asking are over, because becoming a failure can be done in just four simple steps

Step 1. Get off to a good start by setting your expectations (and the expectations of those around you) very high! (After all, failure cannot exist without the potential for success.) Get good grades. Excel in extracurricular activities. Provide every reason to believe that you have the intelligence and determination to be a huge success in any endeavor you may choose to undertake.

I dream of eBay with real human hair

Last night I had the most realistic dream I’ve ever suffered. I dreamed I went shopping with my mother.

It was hell.

My mother shops like (an addict, a professional wrestler, an ocd?).
She tries on everything in the store at least three times and buys half of it. Two or three pieces she wears, while the rest feed the moths in her closet.

I shop like a man. I have a plan when I goto the store. I know what I want before I go there. If I want pants, I goto where the store keeps the pants. I hate trying things on, but I have to, as I’m about as good at guessing the right size as a six year old. I do tend to detour towards any clearance racks I may sense, as I do have a vagina.

I’m pretty much a lesbian, except for that whole sexual preference thing.
Don’t get me wrong, I do like pretty things.

I opened a window into eBay to find some examples of pretty things I like, intending to share a few photos of the beautiful things I enjoy (weapons, folk-art, folk-art-weapons). I’ve not eBayed in a while, and was completely unprepared for what I found:

Egg People!
This dude makes celebrity likenesses out of goose-eggs.
Marilyn Monroe, Prince, Captain Picard, Criss Angel, Biggie Smalls, Laurel & Hardy, Anna Nicole Smith, Jay Z, The Pope.
As fine as his art, he also has the wost ever website: iamjohntheeggman.com
Seems there were no American Idol eggs. I wonder if they sold out, or the artist is “above” that.

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Booby Trap
“This sculpture was throw on a potters wheel. It has a hole in the neck like a vase. This auction is for a “one of a kind” sculpture by Famous artist Ed Drahanchuk. Made in clay a female bust with little man caught in bosom. The Statue is named “Booby Trap”. Comical yet seductive.”

Hell yeah! To quote poet/philosopher Dr. Zoidberg, “One art, please.”