Dear Internet: I think something’s stuck in there

Dear Internet,

I met my biological father yesterday, and now my pee comes out sideways.
Is this just a coincidence, or should I get tested?

Touched,
Bagel

Last time on Ask the Internet: Anilingus Breath Strips

Ask the Internet

Dear Internet,

I am a germophobe, but my boyfriend wants me to lick his butt. What should I do and is he gay?

Sincerely,
Hygienocide   

The State of the American Mind

An End Of The Year Editorial On The State of the American Mind:
Looking At Our Lives
or
I’m Not A Drunk, You Are

Deviant was drunk when he wrote this for us, but not nearly as drunk as you. I think it has something to do with this.

There are too many moments these days where I cannot recognize you.

I appreciated you drunkenly pulling me aside this New Years Eve in the safety of your vomit-spewed bathroom to tell me that I have a drinking problem.

Well sure, I seemed to have been functioning well during the office Christmas party, when in fact I had been in a zombiefied black-out vodka state, and yes I kissed the departing CEO of the company on the lips on a dare, and yes I vomited all over the subway platform on the way home in the early evening…

But I think it’s imperative for you to know that, in this relationship, it is in fact YOU who are the drunk.

I may have gotten us forcibly removed from several watering holes by very large black bouncers, but I want you to note something about my drunkeness and your drunkeness.

I don’t sit at home sobbing to myself, complaining about life, and polishing off two bottles of wine all by myself like you do.

Dear Pulsing Wad of Anal Mucous Excretion

 Advice from Discouragement Kitten

Question:
every time my friend calls me up and we sit down for a beer he gloats for two hours about how much money he makes and how amazing his life is and I go home feeling like shit. DK why do I keep seeing this person?

Answer:
Dear Pulsing Wad of Anal Mucous Excretion:

Obviously this guy is insecure and/or boring. He either desperately wants your approval and believes tales of his awesomeness will sway you to be impressed OR he simply has nothing else to chat about. Why on earth do you give a shit how much money he makes? What impact does the quality of his life have on the satisfaction you feel with your own life? He could have a fantastic life filled with money, an endless supply of (meaningful) sex, elephants to ride in his back yard, ninja friends, rocket cars, fruity pebbles, fuck – this piece of butt rot may well have the solution for unified fucking theory up his sleeve – how does that change how you feel about your life one iota?

MySpace Manners as Interpreted by a Little Kitten

Advice from Discouragement Kitten

Question:
Dear Discouragement Kitten:

I have a MySpace etiquette question I would like to ask you. If your “friend” has a profile song that you really really like, is it rude to put the same song on your own profile? And if so, is there a statute of limitation, with when passing, said act would no longer be considered rude or “biting”?

Sincerely,

Manners confused

Answer:
Dear Manners confused:

What the fuck ever gave you the idea that I’d be a good source for proper fucking etiquette?  Is my blog titled Dear Fucking Manners Kitten?  No, it’s Schadenfreude -

Catcher in the Rye is a real good book

Zach Action has written a follow up to my very own bagelicious book review: J.D. Salinger is Naked. I love this man.

Zach’s Zany Reading Recommendations: Catcher in the Rye

Never trust your erection to a foreigner

Ten things learned from Overheard In New York:

1.  ”A truck ain’t a pair of jeans, son.” (Noted.)
2. “If you miss your stop, that sucks — we ain’t goin’ back” (Check.)
3. “A practical joker? Isn’t that just called a felon?” (In some countries, yes.)
4. “My psychiatrist told me two important things: one, never trust foreigners; two, don’t ever waste an erection, even if you’re alone.” (…but don’t trust that erection to a foreigner!)

Dangerous Levels of Non-clinical Retardation in our Society

Advice from Discouragement Kitten

Question:
I recently fell for another man in a position of authority who led me on just a bit. It was at the height of my crush when I was shot down and left to rot in the streets of. Discouragement kitten, why am I so stupid?

Answer:
Dear Stupid ButtFuck:

Unfortunately not as much research has been invested in the root causes of stupidity

Straight Woman’s Guide To Bedding A Gay Man

I offered Deviant  an assignment. Can’t believe he actually did it.
      Jesse & Soy, you boys better step up!     -bagel

With modern men and women increasingly branching out into alternate mating lifestyle choices, many women I’ve encountered ((coughBagelcough)) have asked me what it takes for a woman to bed a gay man.

I can’t say I blame women. Gay men clean their asses, work-out, have bigger penises, and have an extra bone in our skulls that make us adept at Language and tongue-action.

I know some of you watched that this scene from The Opposite of Sex

But sadly this isn’t going to happen. You can’t get the hunky gay guy…..hell I can’t even get the hunky gay guy!! Nobody gets him except other hunky gay guys, and they usually get him with Crystal Meth at some gay orgy.

So I begrudgingly will relate to you my tips on how a woman can bed a gay man.

1) Know your gays.

Perturbed by Inoperative Penile Metaphors

 Advice from Discouragement Kitten

Question:
Dear DK,

I have a secret job as an English tutor (Shhh, don’t tell the government!) and I recently started tutoring a guy whose preferred nickname translates badly… he wants me to call him Horse (his real name is something complicated in Korean), but his last name is Hwang. Now, sure I don’t call him “Horse Hwang” every time I talk to him, but the whole phrase sort of hangs in my head whenever I meet up with him and it really makes me want to giggle. Should I mention to him that the nickname sounds dirty in English before he starts using it all over the place or just ignore it and learn to stop snickering to myself about it?

Thanks,
Perturbed by Inoperative Penile Metaphors