The Myspace Suicide Massacre
Deviant told me if I didn’t post this, he would flirt with me until I hanged myself. Threats are hot.
The entry which you are about to read is a fictionalized reinactment of the tragedy which befell a pair of suburban families, in particular Megan Meier and her non-existant Myspace boyfriend Josh Evans… For them, an idyllic summer afternoon myspace exhange became a nightmare. The events of that day were to lead to the discovery of one of the most bizarre crimes in the annals of American history.
The Myspace Suicide Massacre!!!
Josh Evans: hi this is “Josh Evans,” I’m a 16 year old boy that lives
in your neighborhood. I just moved here so I don’t have a phone so I
can’t talk to you directly. I like long walks on the beach and singing
to my childr– I mean skateboarding.”
Megan: i like chatting with random guys online because i have no self
esteemand also masturbating to Fall Out Boy videos. Im into emo,
cutting myself, and casual sex, you?
Josh Evans: Wow Megan, you seem like a kewl girl and very ‘leet.’ I
really would like to chat with you some more about Fall Out Boy and
gossip about all the young women you make fun of at school.”
Megan: omg this girl next door, we used to be totally like bffs and
then she said i was fat and i was all not nu-huh your fat and she was
all like no wai cuz im not, you know like fat im really hot wait, you
said you couldnt come meet me, right?so yeah, im really hot
Josh Evans: Just a moment Megan I’m changing my tampon
Megan: boy tampons? lol
Josh Evans: Yeah….tampons for…my ass of course
So, yeah the girl next door, you think she’s totally heinous huh? Well
no Megan, I can’t come meet you, because you know what? You are a
fatty whore who will never make any man erect! Your vagina smells
like tuna casserole and there are elves living in your fat folds. You
are so fat that people mistake you for Britney Spears. Neener neener,
pumpkin eater, your cooch will never house any peter. You should kill
yourself–that’s right–you should kill yourself so that we can use
your extra fat to feed Africa and end world hunger.
((hours later Megan had hanged herself. What followed was a media frenzy))
Josh Evans: Oh noes, Fox news is cumming. What have I done?
Hey, we’re MTV’s Fall Out Boy. We’re here to talk about a very serious issue, and that is teen suicide. Every year, millions of fatties commit suicide because of self-confidence issues. If you know of anyone who is the victim of a crazy bored mother who logs online and pretends to be a boy for the purposes of harassing a fatty, then make sure to report this person to the police immediately. Since this isn’t technically a crime, you’re more likely than not just wasting time, but it IS the thought that counts.
As you all know, we have several fatties in our band, but we respect them just like we’d respect any other minority.
Yes, its true that in this case the boy named Josh Evans never existed, and that he was, in fact, a gross overbearing mother pretending to be a boy, but maybe—just maybe—there is a little bit of Josh Evans in all of us; and if we want to meet our Josh Evans then perhaps all we can do is just….believe?