Straight Woman’s Guide To Bedding A Gay Man
I offered Deviant an assignment. Can’t believe he actually did it.
Jesse & Soy, you boys better step up! -bagel
I can’t say I blame women. Gay men clean their asses, work-out, have bigger penises, and have an extra bone in our skulls that make us adept at Language and tongue-action.
I know some of you watched that this scene from The Opposite of Sex
But sadly this isn’t going to happen. You can’t get the hunky gay guy…..hell I can’t even get the hunky gay guy!! Nobody gets him except other hunky gay guys, and they usually get him with Crystal Meth at some gay orgy.
So I begrudgingly will relate to you my tips on how a woman can bed a gay man.
1) Know your gays.
Now there are two sort of gay men that women should ideally go for: The in-the-closet-doesn’t-even-know-he’s-gay-yet homo and the fruity drunk lithe boy who likes to make out with chicks.
Now the in-the-closet man will give it to you good at first, then things will peter out (see: James McGreevy, the early years) and the lithe boy will give it to you like another girl (see: James McGreevy the later years).
It is my basic understanding that all heterosexual women find hetero sex revolting, and that they are scared of penises and violence and the like. I know this because many of the women I know will make out and eat out another woman at the drop of a hat–and go so far as to play with each other’s breasts–but as soon as a man/penis shows up, they become shy and scared, and it takes them an entire month before they even entertain the notion of inserting their mate’s penis anywhere near their mouths.
This is why the lithe party boy is for you. Once he’s drunk and in the feeling for romance, he and you will experience all the joys of lesbian sex. He will be as gentle as a summer rain with you, and when all is said and done, he will cry himself to sleep. Awww
2) Become a Crystal Meth dealer.
If skank ho’s suck their crack dealer’s dick for a little extra blow, then certainly some party boy gay dude will finger you for some Tina.
3) Pretend you’re a boy.
I mean DUH!! What the hell? Do you think I wouldn’t give you an actual pointer? This one works but you have to have balls of steel and be very determined to follow your silly plan through. I guarantee that if you turn up at a dimly lit gay club looking like Katherine Moennig, then you will surely sucker some poor ‘mo into bed with you! (Note: Her covering of her breasts)
4) Hang Around Ex-Gay Centers.
This isn’t really a tip for how to bed a gay man so much as it is general advice. Dude! Everyone should hang around Ex-Gay centers! Their is NOTHING more fun in life than cruelly torturing the weak and feeble minded, especially when they’re born again sodomites.
But seriously, I hear they’re strewn all over West Virginia somewhere.
5) Go for minorities.
Particularly black men and Asian men. For some reason black people HATE gays…even if they ARE gay, so you can use this hate to your advantage…not unlike how Emperor Palpatine used Luke Skywalker’s hate to almost turn him to the dark side.
“Take your Jedi weapon! Use it. Strike me down with all of your hatred and your journey towards the dark side will be complete!”
I don’t know why I mentioned Asian men…but they seem to be a bit whacky with their sexuality. Actually I have a Jap friend who claims he’s bi, so I can hook you guys up if you want. OMG A/S/L?
6) Douche your vagina with the scent of ball sweat.
This one doesn’t fail. Who wants a vagina that smells like a vagina? Not gay guys!
You can fool them while they’re intoxicated, according to Bagel, by rubbing Durian plant on your vageen, which simulates the scent of rancid genital sweat.
I recommend you gently rub the thick dewy moisture found congregated in the mountains of the Himalayas to best mimic the acute muskiness of ball cheese.
7) Show Them Your Husband’s/Boyfriend’s Cock
Push it against the window so I can see it. Yeah that’s right…tug on it a bit. Mmmmmhmm He likes that doesn’t he? Yeaaaaah.
8) I think the last and final tip to bedding a gay man is…have confidence in yourself. Drop the lady schtick, well know you want it, we have it, so come and get it. There is no better way to bedding a gay man than getting obnoxiously drunk and just flinging yourself at gay men, and ordering them to touch your breasts through slurred speech.
Good luck out there ladies, and Enjoy Your AIDS!
See also: Prostitution Solution