Ration Reality Product Test - Chocolate Soldier
So there I was, strolling along through the crap-infested monstrosity known as Big Lots. No matter what the advertising on television tells you, Big Lots is in fact a steaming pile of shit. This does not, however, stop me from shopping there from time to time. Today was one of those times.
While wandering the aisles, picking up off-brand Q-tips (99 cents for 1,500, you can’t beat that!), I happened upon a product called Chocolate Soldier. It’s a drink, apparently similar to Yoo-Hoo. It looked … well, quite frankly it looked fucking disgusting, and I decided that at the price of $1.50 for a six-pack, I could not pass it up. I grabbed one, put it in the cart, and rushed home to put it in the refrigerator.
After allowing it to chill for a few hours, I pulled it out of the fridge for some photos. In the picture at the right, you can see what the whole six-pack looks like. My first clue to be suspicious should have been the picture of Terrance (or is it Phillip?) used as a product logo, with the diarrhea fountain right next to him. Sadly, I did not pay attention to such blatantly obvious clues.
Turning the six-pack around to the side yielded a very disturbing image. Instead of a smooth drink with the consistency of chocolate milk, all the chocolate had settled out of the Chocolate Soldiers, leaving behind a greyish-brownish fluid which appeared to have the approximate consistency of the runny parts of cottage cheese. The chocolate had settled into a thin layer of sedimentation at the bottom of the glass bottle.
Because I’m the kind of guy that follows directions, I shook the bottle up until the particulate matter had gone back into solution in the beverage. (Solution? Suspension? Whichever. I don’t know what the shit was, so I don’t know if this was a solution or a suspension. Presumably a suspension, though.)
I was not about to follow the directions on the bottlecap exhorting me to “Chug it!” I may be crazy, but I’m not fucking stupid. I took a sip, and at first taste it seemed … vaguely choclatey. Not especially choclatey though. There was an odd aftertaste, though, slightly bitter. It reminded me oddly of the carob that my mom would use in place of chocolate whenever she went on a health kick when I was a kid.
I took several more sips, and discovered several other lovely aftertastes. One was very definitely an oily sort of flavor, like I was drinking through a layer of cooking oil before getting to the ‘chocolate.’ The other was musty, like what the showers at college always smelled like. Sort of mildew-y, but with a hit of disinfectant as well. Very odd flavor.
By three quarters of the way down, there was a grittiness to it, as if the particulate matter was precipitating out of the … suspension, sollution, whatever the fuck it is. This part was not enjoyable, not in the least.
So anyway, I finally reached the bottom of the bottle. It was fucking disgusting, but I made it. In fact, I’d say it is quite possibly the most disgusting thing I’ve ever done that didn’t involve either money or sex, or sometimes money and sex. I cannot in good conscience recommend that anyone drink this, unless it gets them to the final round in Fear Factor or something. This shit is awful. If you don’t believe me, you can order it here and try it yourself.
Edit: It’s been about 35-40 minutes now since I drank the Chocolate Soldier. I’ve spent most of that time in the bathroom, either shitting my guts out or vomiting. Sometimes both at the same time. I highly recommend that nobody try this shit. EVER.
See also: Crass Commercial Message: Geeks.Com
I told you not to drink it, idiot. Now you’re going to die.
In Canada there was a chocolate drink marketed by Parlamat. I think it was called UCAL or something. Similarly, it would settle into different strata: unflavored milk beverage, mildly-flavored milk beverage with a greyish color and a bitter almost dark-chocolatey flavor, sweet chocolatey beverage and a layer of chocolate powder with the appearance and texture of iron filings. If you didn’t shake it well, the chocolate grains would irritate your throat and leave it sore. No real problems with nausea or diarrhea, though.
Oh, shit dude. I know exactly what you’re talking about. We’d get that in the Navy, too, whenever the supply budget was too low to get actual milk, we’d get the Parmalat stuff instead. The chocolate … holy hell. Terrifying stuff. The shit we’d get was shelf-stable, it’d been irradiated I guess. Exactly like what you described.
Man, I’d totally forgotten about it. It would have been good for a comparison with the Chocolate Soldier.
We should open a store where we only sell “fucking disgusting” food. Someone is squatting on ProbablyPoison.com. Wonder how much they want for it?
Fight on Chocolate Soldier, fight on.
ONG-ewwww!!! You poor thing….were you REALLY in the bathroom after consumption? Well, you did it to yourself….so i really shouldnt be feeling bad for you!
(happy Dad day-if there are any dads out there reading!)
I just did a comment-but id didnt go through, unless you are now proof reading them, before approval!?! whateva….
Hello Bagel of Everything, i added you to my Affiliates, if you would be so kind as to add me to your Affiliates or BlogRoll, i would much appreciate it :)
I’m on it, fresh
Thank you! good day :)
You my friend, are the soldier. This is great writing. Lots of cursing, idiocy and the devil may care attitude that I would instill in my children if I knew them. Yoo hoo was my favorite drink when I was a child in NYC. Back then it was very hard to find outside of the east coast. When I first came west I had a hard time finding it and I too tried many chocolicious imposters and also found chocolate soldiers flooding out of my ass like I was getting ass fucked in the worst game of Risk EVER (you can never win with Africa… fucking racists). I sincerely hope that your trips to Big! Lots! continue and you make this a regular column. Don’t let a Chocolate Soldier induced case of Bird Flu stop you. Take back the night!
@Stona: Our automatic spam catcher caught your comments. I don’t know why it picks on innocent friends sometimes.
@Bagel: I shall NEVER Spam! it must be the goverment!
Dear Jesse: I’m glad you didn’t die.
Y’know something, so am I?
Also: watch this space! I went to Big Lots tonight, and I found several more products that I’m going to test out in desperate attempts to destroy myself!
Next up: Off-Brand Energy Drinks!
no one ever beat you when you were a kid for buying food or beverages at big lots?
You know, I got beaten for a lot of shit when I was a kid. One time in particular, I forgot to turn my socks right-side out when they went in the hamper. According to my mom and stepfather, this was a willful act of rebellion against their God-ordained authority. Hilarity ensued.
I suspect that the only reason I never got beaten for getting food at Big Lots is that there were, in fact, no Big Lots at all in my home state.
i did as well…earned everyone of em, too.
hey jessie
My brother and I used to have a contest: Who could get the most crap for $5 at biglots. Bulky items such as pillows and TP were off limits.
This was long before they went all Pier 1 on us.
i once got crossways with a botlle of strawberry yoohoo. extremely unpleasant event. also, while serving in iraq, we happened upon a yoo-hooesque fluid packaged by the kuwaiti gov’t. the kuwaitis still like us for that thing we did for them back in the 90s. however, upon drinking their take on choclatey happiness, i found that happiness to them is a four hour sit and chat with the porcelain allah. cheers.
“four hour sit and chat with the porcelain alla”
thats kinda catchy
thanks, cj. i think i’m going to start hanging out here more often. at least until my meds wear off.
ah ha!
A new recruit!
The line for lobotomies starts here.
in regards to ration reaty, whats not to like…
but stay on the meds you’ll be needing those…hands bagel a drill
it’s cool, THEY never really properly patched up the hole from the last experiment.
Home Surgery!! (Laughs giddily.)
The only kind I can afford.
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