I dream of eBay with real human hair
Last night I had the most realistic dream I’ve ever suffered. I dreamed I went shopping with my mother.
It was hell.
My mother shops like (an addict, a professional wrestler, an ocd?).
She tries on everything in the store at least three times and buys half of it. Two or three pieces she wears, while the rest feed the moths in her closet.
I shop like a man. I have a plan when I goto the store. I know what I want before I go there. If I want pants, I goto where the store keeps the pants. I hate trying things on, but I have to, as I’m about as good at guessing the right size as a six year old. I do tend to detour towards any clearance racks I may sense, as I do have a vagina.
I’m pretty much a lesbian, except for that whole sexual preference thing.
Don’t get me wrong, I do like pretty things.
I opened a window into eBay to find some examples of pretty things I like, intending to share a few photos of the beautiful things I enjoy (weapons, folk-art, folk-art-weapons). I’ve not eBayed in a while, and was completely unprepared for what I found:
Egg People!
This dude makes celebrity likenesses out of goose-eggs.
Marilyn Monroe, Prince, Captain Picard, Criss Angel, Biggie Smalls, Laurel & Hardy, Anna Nicole Smith, Jay Z, The Pope.
As fine as his art, he also has the wost ever website: iamjohntheeggman.com
Seems there were no American Idol eggs. I wonder if they sold out, or the artist is “above” that._____________
Booby Trap
“This sculpture was throw on a potters wheel. It has a hole in the neck like a vase. This auction is for a “one of a kind” sculpture by Famous artist Ed Drahanchuk. Made in clay a female bust with little man caught in bosom. The Statue is named “Booby Trap”. Comical yet seductive.”Hell yeah! To quote poet/philosopher Dr. Zoidberg, “One art, please.”
_____________
Bronze Gothic Nude Men Book Ends
“Accessorize your home with your personal touch Style is often conveyed in the details. This set of BRONZE GOTHIC NUDE MEN Book Ends is The Perfect blend of practicality and luxury”(insert lame goth joke here)
I need this so fucking much._____________
Cat-a-Pult Feline Launcher
“Do cats really always land on their feet? With the Cat-A-Pult™ you can put the old saying to the test by flinging felines across the room. Just load one of the 1-3/8″ (3.5 cm) plastic cats into the 5-3/4″ (14.6 cm) plastic shooting device and pull the trigger! It’s the best thing since cat juggling! 4 cats included. Illustrated blistercard.”
Cockroaches are about 1 3/8″, aren’t they?_____________
OLD GERMAN, HUMAN HAIR , COMPOSITION DOLL, MARKED
“SHE IS SO OLD. SHE IS ABOUT 17 AND 1/2 INCHES TALL.EVERYTHING ABOUT HER LOOKS GERMAN TO ME.THE DOLL IS ALL COMPOSITION.SHE HAS LONG HUMAN HAIR THAT IS FASTENED UP ON HER HEAD BY LONG OLD FASHIONED BOBBY PINS.HER EYES LOOK LIKE OLD GLASS EYES.THERE ARE SPRINGS HOLDING HER LIMBS AND HEAD ON.HER JOINTS ARE STILL NICE AND TIGHT.SHE HAS SOME CRAZE LINES ON HER FACE AND MORE AROUND HER EARS AND UNDER HER HAIR.”
Scary zombie doll! The rambling description is much longer, but I was afraid my clipboard would start shooting tech students had I copied the whole thing.
_____________
Seems my whole life is an intro to a tangent.
Funny title, I wonder if people will get the reference. Browsing eBay is like walking up to a commercial abyss. Be prepared; terrible truths about who we are may be revealed. Remember–to paraphrase Nietzsche–when you look into the eBay, the eBay also looks into you!
Matt
May 26, 2007 at 12:16 pm
Those dolls are truly disturbing. I would never buy one for fear that she might begin to talk, use her springs and glass eyes as weapons and threaten my life.
KDF
May 26, 2007 at 12:59 pm
@matt: “looks into you”…is that why my anti-spyware goes nuts when I goto ebay?
@KDF: thats exactly why I would buy one!
The Bagel of Everything
May 26, 2007 at 2:34 pm
wow, this is a great blog and I love the layout of WordPress. I don’t like having to put in my email and I know it will be spammed harder than it already is…but that’s why i have aol ;)
ellen
May 27, 2007 at 5:32 pm
@ellen: your email doesn’t show up, only your name and website. I can’t seem to turn off “email req.” without also turning off “name req.” and I’d get all lost with a bunch of nameless comments.
The Bagel of Everything
May 27, 2007 at 5:37 pm
Does the fact that it’s an old German doll with REAL HUMAN HAIR make anyone else’s skin crawl? Does this shiksa have an auction for “old German lampahades”? Es ist Scheiß Gruselig!
Soylent Ape
June 16, 2007 at 5:23 am
I love The Grape Ape. He said shiksa.
jody eugenius wilson
June 16, 2007 at 6:52 am
Post-script:
Shiksa and Shaygetz are the Yiddish derivative of the respective
feminine and masculine Hebrew words for something unclean, dirty. The
appellations are customarily applied to gentiles who do things
inimical to Jewish interests, such as vandalizing Jewish buildings,
robbing Jewish kids of their lunch money, or becoming romantically
involved with Jews :-). The root is “sheketz”, which refers to house
rodents and lizards. They impart ritual impurity, and therefore the
term lends itself to the same kind of idea. Some have taken to using
the term to refer to Christian women in general. If Christians were
using the term against Jews in English, they would be saying “Filthy
Jews” or “Dirty Jews”, and we Jews would rightly be offended. Hence,
use of these terms should really be avoided; it is insulting and
inappropriate, even if no bad intent was behind the usage. It is
always better to use neutral, less pejorative (judgemental) terms,
such as non-Jew or Christian.
Fuck that. I love it.
jody eugenius wilson
June 16, 2007 at 6:54 am
PPS: Goyim means cattle…
We’re fuckin’ evil, huh?
Watch your ass…
Mooooooooo
jody eugenius wilson
June 16, 2007 at 6:55 am
@ Jody:I think the term has become a lot more sterile and removed from the original meaning, even for people of Jewish extraction. I’m not even fully Jewish, but I like the ‘fuck you’ attitude that goes along with using the term. Ever notice that you hear ‘shiksa’ a whole lot more than ‘shaygetz/shegetz’? strange…
Many Jewish anthropologists and linguists try to go to great lengths to explain that “goyim” does not, in fact, refer to cattle. I don’t know why; it means what it means. Besides, gentiles don’t care and they’ll pay money to hear Jackie Mason call them “cattle” for 2 hours.
Goylent Apetz
June 16, 2007 at 11:40 pm
Soylent: “Does the fact that it’s an old German doll with REAL HUMAN HAIR make anyone else’s skin crawl? Does this shiksa have an auction for “old German lampahades”? Es ist Scheiß Gruselig!”
Creepier and creepier!
I hadn’t thought of the doll like that. Certainly makes her much less cuddly.
bagel of everything
June 19, 2007 at 4:16 pm
There was a bar down the street from where I went to college, they had antique German lampshades.
It was pretty creepy … but thanks to blue laws, it was also the only bar open on Sunday ‘cuz it was a ‘private club.’
Jesse Custer
June 19, 2007 at 4:34 pm
Antique German lampshades…
Do you have to use a low wattage bulb with those? I mean, the smell…
Bagel of Everything
June 28, 2007 at 11:25 am
ehhh … you do, but it’s not for the smell, it’s just a fire hazard. Bear in mind that you didn’t generally find 100-watt bulbs back in the 40′s …
Unless you know what you’re looking at, you’d never be able to tell the difference between that and any other antique parchment lampshade. The ones that were at that bar were a uniform tannish-brown, like old paper. Only way to tell what they actually were is that a couple of them had nipples or navels in them. *shudder*
Jesse Custer
June 28, 2007 at 2:19 pm
How do you tell them apart from your momma?
Bagel of Everything
July 3, 2007 at 7:49 am
Well, they both have that same leathery appearance, and like maybe they’re stretched a bit too thin, but the big clue is that the lampshades have that inner glow, while my mom has only a cold pit inside her.
Jesse Custer
July 3, 2007 at 9:42 am
So what you’re saying is, you’re a momma’s boy?
bagel of everything
July 10, 2007 at 7:50 pm
Well, I took after her in having a empty, gaping pitiless hole inside me, yes.
Aside from that … not so much.
Jesse Custer
July 10, 2007 at 7:57 pm
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I’d probably break the booby trap the first day it was in my house.
You know, like if it fell off the bed or something.
micky2
December 11, 2007 at 10:24 am
I see what you did there.
I like that “It has a hole in the neck like a vase. ”
Hope they sanded down those sharp edges
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December 11, 2007 at 11:23 am
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